Head Cheese 9 - the news as you think it should be!
Now bite-sized for people with short attention spans!!

Table of Contents:  Page 1 : Single Guy Uses National Holiday To Catch Up On His Personal Hygiene – Catfight: Louis Vuitton Gal Versus Chanel/Tiffany's Chick – Cell Phone Keeps Teenager Too Busy To Develop Bad Habits – Blue Haired Grandmother Actually Devoted Goth – Page 2: Fight Starts After Man Called "Asset" (or "Thespian" "Masticator") – Sweet Recorded Voice Urges Shoppers To Kill Themselves – Health Scandal Headlines of 2020 Being Created Now – Defitinition of “Alternative” Distorted in Dozens of New Ways – Page 3: Girl Smears Make-Up In Train Mishap – Bus Lurches Menacingly Towards Pedestrian – Crippled Man Looks Both Ways Before He Jaywalks – Many English Words Still Unintelligible When Pronounced in Japanese – Page 4: Afghanistan votes to withhold UN back dues until it is reinstated on UN Human Rights Commission and International Narcotics Control Board – Star Wars Missile Defense Shield Useless Against Alien Attack – Hordes of Blanched Women Carry Umbrellas Even on Sunny Days – Page 5: Student Corrects English Teacher's Pronunciation – Elderly Matriarch Can't Wipe Sour Expression off Face – Elderly Woman Spontaneously Strikes Up Meaningless Conversation With Total Stranger – Cell Phone Surgically Removed From High School Student's Palm – Page 6: Low-slung Pants Makes Dumpy Guy's Legs Look Even Shorter – Local Woman Dyes Hair Black – Improperly Perforated Toilet Paper Recalled – Japanese Lead World in Thumb Dexterity, Knowledge of Hair Products – Page 7: Gaijin Indignant Japanese Store Clerk Doesn’t Understand His Katakana English – Millions of Japanese Still Don’t Understand Katakana English – TV Ad Makes Instant Food Look Appetizing – Toy Kitchen’s Plastic Food Increases Desire To Eat Real Plastic Food – Page 8: Middle Manager Struggles To Define “110%” At Inspirational Meeting – Porn Connoisseur Can’t Handle Real Life – Gaijin Groupies Keep Hearing Their Names – Grandmother Dyes Hair To Match Purple Outfit – Page 9: Cancer Cures and Other Medical Advances Makes Nuclear War Viable Option Again – Morrissey Claims He's Human, Needs To Be Loved – Handsome Actor Tragically Typecast in Blockbuster Film Roles – Ladies Man Gets Less Sex Than Faithful Husband – Page 10: Instrumental Karaoke "Air Guitareoke" Biggest Hit In Japan – Expat Unable To Resist Mocking J-Pop Stars – New Motor Laws Introduced – Female Hockey Player Carries Gear Bag Over Elbow, Develops Rippling Muscles – Page 11: Man Says "You're Welcome" Every Single Time He Hears A "Thank You" – Cyclist Walks Bike Up Slight Incline – Native Teacher Sucks At English – Man Begins Sentence With "I'm Not Racist, But..." – Page 12: District of Columbia and British Columbia To Be Returned to Columbian Control After Year 2010 – Guy Wearing Limp Bizzkit T-Shirt Apparently Trying to Make a Statement – Locals Referred To As "Gaijin" – Single Girl Walks Past Mirror – Page 13: Attractive 25-year-old Has Never Had Hair Dyed – Sloppy Ensemble Painstakingly Thrown Together – New Atom Bomb Kills Only Mosquitoes – Canadians and Americans Rumble Outside of Z-Spot – Page 14: Fashion: Those Who Forget History Are Blessed To Repeat It – Cure For Cancer On Hold Until Cure For Baldness Found – Page 15: Plastic Fruit Finally Rots – My Email Lover Doesn’t Treat Me Right – Chanel chick dislikes being referred to as “Chanel chick” – Exchange Student Hates Being Called “Alien” – Elderly Woman In Rush To Board Train –

Q.Q.Q. - Quotably Quotable Quotes

Page 1:

Single Guy Uses National Holiday To Catch Up On His Personal Hygiene – This past Golden Day, MOVA teacher and resident gaijin Gary Chalmers used his free time to catch up on his personal hygiene.  Taking a long soak in the bath instead of just taking a shower, Chalmers washed his hair twice and even found the time to use a body scrubber to really scour his skin and make him feel extra clean.  Once out of the bath, he shaved carefully and trimmed all the stray hairs he could find on his face – beard, mustache, nostrils and eyebrows.  “Getting a national holiday is great,” Chalmers told press.  “Normally I’m so busy, but on a holiday there’s really nothing to do.  So I turned on some music and got clean.  It feels fine for a change.  I wonder when the next national holiday is.”

Catfight: Louis Vuitton Gal Versus Chanel/Tiffany's Chick – Last night in Shinsaibashi passer-bys were entertained by a catfight that broke out suddenly between a Luis Vuitton gal and a Chanel/Tiffany’s chick.  The altercation, which began when Chanel/Tiffany’s chick Sara Yanabai spotted Louis Vuitton gal Yako Yagi’s over-sized Louis Vuitton backpack, turned to her male companion Jun Hara, snickered, and whispered something in his ear.  Yagi, who suspected that Yanabai was telling Hara that the bag was fake, confronted the well-dressed Chanel/Tiffany’s chick and called her a slut, hinting that she had paid Hara or some other sugar daddy in sex for her expensive Chanel bag.  “That tattered paper Tiffany’s bag you carry with the vinyl Chanel bag would have cost you less – you probably pulled out of the garbage of some rich person’s house,” Yagi finally added.  The catfight erupted with both women pulling hair, attacking with their stiletto heels, and slashing at each other with their fake-nailed claws.  As the fight progressed, other Louis Vuitton girls and Chanel/Tiffany’s chicks passing by came to their companion’s aid and a full-on Midosuji rumble resulted.  Police were called and over twenty young women were arrested. 

Cell Phone Keeps Teenager Too Busy To Develop Bad Habits – Research by leading Japanese cell phone companies has shown that among all of the other benefits gained by the wide-spread use of cellular phones among the so-called “cell phone generation” is an unexpected benefit – a marked fall in crime and bad habits among the young.  The reasons cited for this is that teenagers and young adults are just too busy fiddling with the buttons of their cell phone to start smoking, drinking, getting pregnant, playing pool, vandalizing public buildings, and other bad habits of youth.  “Today, youth crime is down nearly fifty percent,” explains researcher John Matsumoto, “and something like this has never happened before in the history of statistics.  It’s just amazing.”  Although the report mentions no negative points about the cell phone revolution, critics have pointed out that cell phone deprivation, which occurs when cell phones are broken or lost or have run out of battery, has been blamed for various acts of acute violence and/or ill health.  The report also claims that cell phoning is not addictive, and probably doesn’t cause brain cancer or traffic accidents either. 

Blue Haired Grandmother Actually Devoted Goth – Although most of the members of octogenarian Kuniko Gakihara’s family assumes that her blue-dyed hair is a quirk of senior fashion, it is only grand-daughter and fellow goth Michiko Gakihara who knows the truth – that her grandmother is actually a devoted goth.  “Grandma has been a goth since she first heard Bauhaus over twenty years ago,” tells Michiko.  “She even went to see Siouxsie and the Banshees once, and Peter Murphy was opening!  She even hung out with the guys from Christian Death.  That must have been so amazing.  I’m always asking her to tell me about it.  For the last ten years since her stroke I’ve been helping her buy the magazines and get her the Malice Mizer bootlegs.  I really envy grandma, she has such perfectly blanched white skin.  I think it’s because she hasn’t seen the sun for over three years.  When she puts her fake fangs in she really looks scary!”

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Fight Starts After Man Called "Asset" – Johnathon Golightly, always known for being a bit of a hothead, was fired for striking his boss during an awards ceremony where he was accepting an award for employee of the month.  The bizarre incident, which is not the first time Golightly has caused fights at work, occurred after the company president Russ Halladay called Golightly a “great big asset” to the company.  Golightly then struck Halladay in the face and stomach and stormed off the stage throwing the award at the audience.  “Golightly is such a spaz,” says co-worker Hazel Sanders.  “Like he’s always hitting people.  The other day at lunch somebody made a comment about how he chews his food and used the word ‘masticate,’ he ground his sandwich into the guy’s face!  There was potato salad all up his nose and had to get it cleaned out at an oral surgeon’s.  Then somebody else asked about his wife, who’s an actress, and referred to her ‘thespian skills,’ he flipped out again and nearly broke the woman’s arm.  He’s a menace, I tell you, a menace!”

Sweet Recorded Voice Urges Shoppers To Kill Themselves – Executive wife Sally Felder received a shock last Friday while shopping with her husband’s secretary Kumiko Tamamochi.  Curious about the recorded messages that played repeatedly in the shopping mall, Felder asked Tamamochi what it was saying.  Tamamochi listened carefully for a few minutes, then explained that the message was urging shoppers to kill themselves.  “I couldn’t believe that this sweet voice was saying such awful things,” says Felder.  “Even Kumiko was surprised.  I wonder why she never noticed what the voice was saying all this time.  And the mall was crowded with people, none of them seemed to notice it either.”  Felder then insisted that Tamamochi help her make a complaint to the store manager, which she reluctantly did.  Store manager Yadashi Muneomoto, though unaware of any irregularities, promised to look into the situation. 

Health Scandal Headlines of 2020 Being Created Now – As the newspapers are full of health scandal headlines, newspaper reporters find no time to research the developing problems that will become the health scandal headlines of the newspapers of twenty years from now.  Experts say that in twenty years AIDS tainted blood will be forgotten as a problem, and difficulties arising from malfunctioning cloned limbs will be more serious.  “Reporters are ignoring the issues as they form,” says media critic Brian Bongwater, “which is very short sighted.  Of course, that is the nature of the industry.  But when people get hurt a few years down the road, I really doubt that the media is going to do the right thing and blame itself.  Irresponsible is what it is.  Right now in a lab somewhere somebody is working on some sort of disposable heart that is going to render its user impotent, somebody else is working on silicon blood that will make its user completely programmable to special advertisers who will pay top dollar for the ability to control consumer spending.  It’s just sick, really.”

Defitinition of “Alternative” Distorted in Dozens of New Ways – In the last decade of the last century, no word had its definition distorted in more ways than the word “alternative,” claims linguist Larry Kingsley-Amis in his newest book of essays entitled “the Chaos Disorder.”  The word “alternative,” which had previously meant “existing outside traditional systems,” has been distorted to carry other meanings such as “strange,” “funky,” “boring,” “initially inventive but eventually more and more uninteresting,” and “reflecting post-war cultural malaise.”  Use of the word as a marketing tool has led to great confusion among the general population, and no two people can agree on its correct usage.  “Like one person says that Madonna is alternative,” explains high school senior Laura Second, “but I say no way, in what alternative universe is she alternative?  Know what I mean?”

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Girl Smears Make-Up In Train Mishap – Yesterday on the Daibento line, commuting office worker Maiko Masumoto smeared her make-up drastically as the train conducter brought the train to an indelicate sudden stop in Ishihashi station.  Dazed and confused after finding herself in a heap on the floor, her first instinct was to open her pocket mirror, when she discovered that the make-up she had been applying was horribly smeared.  “Like, I always do my make-up on the train,” said pretty Ms. Masumoto in a statement to the press, “because I always try to sleep as late as I can.  I was putting my lipstick on with one hand and eye-liner on with another when the stupid conductor lost control or something.  Now I have these two huge long lines across my face – one from the eye and one from the lips.  I look like some sort of visual kei star.  It’s kind of cool, actually.”  Several others were mildly injured in the same mishap, including an elderly woman who broke her hip and left calf bone. 

Bus Lurches Menacingly Towards Pedestrian – His face betraying no emotion, bus driver Tomino Tominaga seemed placidly in control as he brought his bus to a halt inches away from pedestrians attempting a crossing with a walk signal.  The bus, which had been turning right onto another road, was carrying fifteen passengers who all lurched forward slightly as the air brakes were applied suddenly and the bus came to a halt.  Pedestrian John Marley admitted some consternation seeing the huge bus come careening toward him, but was certain that only a professional could be at the control of the bus and his life actually wasn’t in any danger, despite every indication otherwise – mainly the great big huge ten-ton bus coming right towards him!  “Part of me wanted to pick up and run,” says Marley, “and part of me said ‘what the hell is this guy doingl;’ but another part of me knew how important it was to keep my cool, even if the driver was some sort of xenophobic pedophilious human paraquat, and that was the part that prevailed.  Luckily.”

Crippled Man Looks Both Ways Before He Jaywalks – Yesterday in Umeda, a man with a leg in a cast stopped at the edge of a sidewalk at a red light.  After waiting impatiently for over ten seconds and looking both ways down the road, he spotted a break in traffic and proceeded to hobble across the street, flagrantly breaking the law and endangering his own life.  He was nearing the other side of the street when a car came around the corner and began to move towards him.  Picking up his pace somewhat, he managed to hit the other curb before the car passed by, thereby saving his heels from being run over. 

Many English Words Still Unintelligible When Pronounced in Japanese – A large of majority of Japanese citizens, when polled, expressed confusion when hearing English words for objects common found in Japan pronounced in Japanese, or “katakana English.”  Local media leaders and educators expressed their consternation and found difficulty in explaining the lack of understanding for these terms in an era of globalization and internationalization and abundant means of information and education.  “Like, people are fiddling away at their cell phones all day,” says Japan long-term Japanese resident Alan Garlic, “but you say serrura hoonu to somebody and they look at you like you’re an idiot.  Same thing with hottu pottu, like that stupid soup that you eat all winter with the stuff in it.  Or how about ansaringu machinu – everybody’s got one, nobody knows what it’s called.  Like how dumb is that?  Or how about boorettu turein, the bullet train.  A symbol of national pride, but people act like they’ve never heard of one.  I’ve been busting my balls teaching English, the language of the New World Order, since the first Bush came to office, and look what it’s gotten me?  I should have learned Japanese from the start instead of counting on the whole country to catch on to the language of the largest common denominator.  Entering the international community, getting a major league baseball team, I guess that’s all a pipe dream in this country.”

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Afghanistan votes to withhold UN back dues until it is reinstated on UN Human Rights Commission and International Narcotics Control Board – The Afghanistan ambassador to the United Nations caused controversy yesterday in council when he announced that his nation would withhold back dues and other payments until its reinstatement on the UN Human Rights Commission and the International Narcotics Control Board.  The move came one week after an announcement that Afghanistan would no longer be invited to sit on these two councils due to conflicts of interests and other problematic issues.  “Human rights and drugs are a problem in our country, we admit,” said a spokesman for the U.N. ambassador, “but this is the same for any of the countries that are currently sitting on these commissions.  By withholding these dues we are showing our protest and holding the world community by the nose.”

Star Wars Missile Defense Shield Useless Against Alien Attack – The press and reporters called on the Pentagon last week to answer allegations that the Star Wars missile defense shield will be useless against potential attacks by battle-crazed killer E.T.s from outer space.  Little Green Men, or L.G.M., have always been a concern of the military, particularly the Air Force since the days of the original Foo Fighters, and top brass has been unable to rule out the possibility of attacks from highly evolved sentient protoplasmic pod creatures.  Officials were also unable to speculate on what percentage of the earth might be saved by the defense shield, not even a guesstimate was offered by our useless and highly-paid brass bottom feeders.  “If some slug is going to enslave me and my family,” says National Enquirer reporter Sid Bilious, “then I at least want to know whether it was out of incompetence or neglect.”

Gaijin Guy Always Tries to Find Attractive Women to Sit Near on the Train – John Smithies, teaching English in Japan since his university graduation in 1988, has developed and perfected his own Zen art – finding attractive women on subways and sitting nonchalantly in a position where he can check them out at his leisure throughout the tortuous three hour commute to work.  “Unless it is rainy out I always wear shades so that people can’t see where I’m looking,” reports Smithies, “and when I get in I always look around for potential cuties to stand near or sit across from if there is seating.  I take the trains at regular times, so I even know in which car the really hot ones sit and I have something to do on the long commute.  I’m always hoping I’ll run into one of them in Sam and Daves.  I’ve been practicing saying ‘haven’t I seen you somewhere before?’ in Japanese.  I hope it works as well in Japanese as it does in English, rrahr rrahr.”

Hordes of Blanched Women Carry Umbrellas Even on Sunny Days – Extensive research has shown that the number of women in Japan carrying umbrellas on sunny days is nearly equal to, and sometimes exceeding, the number of women who carry umbrellas no rainy days.  And despite the general accuracy of weather forecasting in Japan, there still appears to be misunderstanding among the population at large. “A lot of women in Japan appear to genuinely enjoy carrying umbrellas,” explains Japan observer John Throaty, “and some have even discovered an erogenous zone between their thumb and forefinger along the palm of their hands.  This might, in fact, explain the zeal they express in greeting each other and the zesty declarations that they are, in fact, very very genki.”

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Student Corrects English Teacher's Pronunciation – John Masters, never an A student while at school himself, is getting sick and tired of being repeatedly corrected on his pronunciation by his conversation school students.  “Often,” “façade,” “pedophilia” (which he once told students means “love of feet”) and “placate” are all words that Masters has been called on after using them incorrectly while in class.  “The kids these days,” says Masters, “you can’t put anything by them.  The funny thing is that I’m sure that people pronounce them that way back home, but when they pull out their electronic dictionaries and hit the pronounce button, there’s really no argument I can make any more.”

Elderly Matriarch Can't Wipe Sour Expression off Face – For over twenty years, elderly matriarch Nonoko Omomoto has been unable to wipe a sour expression of extreme distaste off of her face.  Whether teaching flower arrangement or tea ceremony, taking the train to visit various Buddhist priests, or greeting neighbors and other acquaintances, the same sour expression dominates her expression – nay, her entire being, even!  With paper-like white skin stretched tight over her skull, her long face is folded downwards into a bitter frown and a sharp, cold gaze emanates from eyes as black as night.  Mrs. Omomoto, widowed for over forty years, is actually a very sweet person despite the fact that she frightens small children and animals with her withering gaze of disapproval.  “I’ve been aware of this for some time,” admits Mrs. Omomoto, “but have long accepted the fact that not many people find me very warm.  Neither facial massage nor cosmetic surgery have been effective in any way.  The only time I look cheerful and positive, actually, is when I’m playing my Ninendo.”

Elderly Woman Spontaneously Strikes Up Meaningless Conversation With Total Stranger – Yesterday in Tanba Sasayama, Mitsuko Takawabata, an elderly Japanese woman, struck up an entirely meaningless conversation with visiting American tourist John Sasswater.  The 93-year-old Takawabata, well known locally for her friendliness, made several comments about the fine, fine weather after pointing out how several of the local residents had left their houses empty after they moved to work in Osaka, giving the town a rather cold, empty feeling.  Sasswater, who doesn’t speak a word of Japanese, yet also feeling it was his social obligation to not insult the local people, nodded politely and listened attentively as he tried desperately to catch the jist of the conversation.  After talking uninterrupted for fifteen minutes, Mrs. Takawaybata finally moved on of her own accord, much to the relief of Mr. Sasswater.  “She seemed like a nice lady,” Sasswater told reporters, “but I really had no idea what she was talking about.”

Cell Phone Surgically Removed From High School Student's Palm – A panicked eleventh hour teen phoning crisis reached its climax last week as chronic telephonist Mari Yamamura had her cell phone surgically removed from her hand.  The phone, which had become grafted to Ms. Yamamura’s hand over years of constant use, was in drastic need of an upgrade, since it could not perform any of the advanced third generation functions her friends were taking advantage of, and pretty young Ms. Yamamura found herself socially paralyzed for the first time ever.  “Like, the phone was my life, and I was sad to see it go,” explains Ms. Yamamura, “but even if I had a camera in the back of my phone like everybody else does, I don’t think I could have used it with the phone stuck to my hand like that.  I mean, I know it made me look attractive and all that, but I had to go for the new age.  My parents and the guys with the pacemakers at the office thought this would be a clean break and a chance for me to get the monkey off my back, but I like this lifestyle.  Let them envy me and my pretty young body and all my male admirers all they want.  And really now – avoiding a deadly attack of brain cancer and huge foreheads growths later in life concern me less than looking old fashioned anyway.”

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Low-slung Pants Makes Dumpy Guy's Legs Look Even Shorter – Low-slung pants have been popular among teen groups recently, but an expensive pair of Lo-Guys only frustrated dumpy college student Jun Marahama when he discovered that the Lo-Guys made his stubby legs look even stubbier.  “A lot of friends used to call me Doraemon in school,” explains Marahama, “because of my short legs.  And if that wasn’t already bad enough, these pants make my legs look even shorter – they’ve practically disappeared in fact!  Oh, man, the price we men have to pay for fashion!”

Local Woman Dyes Hair Black – After years of dying her hair various shades of brown silver and gold, young office lady Mariko Matsuyamada discovered last week that she no longer could remember what she looked like with her original hair color.  Digging through her albums proved unfruitful.  Finally, on a whim, Ms. Matsuyamada decided to dye her hair black.  “I really wanted to see what I looked like with black hair,” Ms. Matsuyamada told reporters.  “I mean, I had pictures of myself from grade school with full black hair, but I’ve really changed a lot since then anyway, so it was kind of useless.  My friends were really shocked to see me with black hair.  The first few shops I went to didn’t even stock black hair dye, I had to go to a shop that old ladies go to before I could find any, and the hair dressers at first refused to let me use black – I had to pay extra!  But I kind of like it.  Maybe I can start a trend.  But if nothing happens within a week, I’ll just dye it gold again.”

Improperly Perforated Toilet Paper Recalled – Ten million imperfectly perforated rolls of Janssen and Jonssen toilet paper have been recalled from the Japanese market this week.  Because of improper perforation, the toilet paper does not break when tugged and unrolls several feet and forms a pile at the floor of the bathroom.  As most toilet users suffer anxiety of the cleanliness of even their own bathroom floors, this unspoiled TP is often flushed away without being used to polish the users’ heinies, resulting in clogging of toilets and a general snowballing of the problem.  Janssen and Jonssen officials are looking into the root of the problem and are promising proper toilet paper in stores by the end of the week. 

Japanese Lead World in Thumb Dexterity, Knowledge of Hair Products – Americans may lead the world in valuable watching skills, but they still come second to the Japanese in thumb dexterity and knowledge of hair products.  These valuable skills and the pride of many young Japanese have skyrocketed in recent years as the world ranking for thumb dexterity changed from tenth in the world to first in merely two years.  Japan now leads Finland by a very large margin.  Some scientists believe that the rapid rise in thumb dexterity has coincided with the ready availability of cellular phones and the popularity of cell phone emailing.  “The Japanese used to be one of the most widely read peoples on earth,” reports Waseda University professor Jun Hazuki, “but as cell phones replace books among bored commuters, thumb dexterity is a natural correlative to the phenomenon.”  Those who are not using cell phones on the trains are reading up on new hair products. 

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Gaijin Indignant Japanese Store Clerk Doesn’t Understand His Katakana English – John Ducksberry, in Japan for three months and already growing astute in the use of katakana English as a substitute for an inability to speak proper Japanese, was frustrated in his attempts to buy a cellular phone in Osaka last week.  Ducksberry, who spent over an hour in a cell phone vendor, was unable to make himself understood, despite making superhuman attempts to simplify his requests.  “I told the guy as slowly as I could that I wanted a se-ru-ra ho-o-nu, which I think is the Japanese term for cellular phone, and he had no idea what I was talking about.  And here he was working for a cell phone vendor, all day long dealing with cell phones and dialing services.  Like, how stupid is that?  I said sumimasen, serura hone, doo yoo habu?  Subusukuripishion appurikashion pureezu, and he looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about.  What a wanker.”  Ducksberry later asked his girlfriend to call in sick from work to help him translate, then complained to her for the rest of the day about the inconvenience, poor service and high cost of phoning in Japan. 

Millions of Japanese Still Don’t Understand Katakana English – Despite a high saturation of katakana terms in Japanese, millions of Japanese still don’t understand more than a small handful of foreign terms.  Nearly no Japanese understood what se-ru-ra ho-nu (cellular phone) is, nor what the term du-du (dude) implied.  Si-sa-zu (scissors) is an unknown term, as is pei-pa (paper).  “The Japanese in general are already suffering from education stress,” explains educationalist Sadako Sakai, “but in the case of globalization I fear that more training is needed to help them make sense of all of the foreign terms available out there.  Nothing can change the fact that the list of foreign terms is endless, and growing exponentially.  We can’t even keep track of them all, but if no attempt is made to keep pace with it the problem will balloon out of control and nobody in Japan will be able to understand the Japanese language any more.  Let’s start studying from now!”

TV Ad Makes Instant Food Look Appetizing – Recent broadcasts of the new commercial for instant pizza product “Pizza Poo-Poo” show the flat, limp instant food as looking incredibly appealing.  Hot and steaming from a fake oven, sight the instant food makes kids jump for joy and taking a big hot bite makes them scrunch their faces up in deep satisfaction.  Instant pasta and rice looks nearly as appealing in the commercials, despite its disgusting real texture and flavor, and instantly servable veggies certainly don’t look as awful as they really are, with bright computer-generated colors and dry ice vapor rising above them.  “I wish all instant foods really were the way they seem in commercials,” says Gary Gnowles, spokesman for instant food maker Nutri-Pluss, “but we don’t live in a fantasyland, now, do we?”

Toy Kitchen’s Plastic Food Increases Desire To Eat Real Plastic Food – Toy maker Bummy’s new line of Play-Citchen kitchen set’s mini plastic food models look so appetizingly real, say parents in a new market research survey, that kids have become encouraged to eat more real plastic foods.  Instant ramen makers have been the main beneficiaries of the toy’s popularity, as have processed cheese makers, hamburger joints, sugar snack makers, and other similar producers.  “Plastic foods have been enjoyed by only this and the last generation,” says Krunchy Korn vice-president John Spielding, “and plastic toys have been a good way to encourage kids to eat more real plastic foods and get their share of empty calories, carbohydrates, chemical colorings and flavor additives.  We love it.  I have several sets for my own kids.”

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Middle Manager Struggles To Define “110%” At Inspirational Meeting – At an inspirational meeting for new staff members, margarine producer Margo-Vatt middle manager John Smellings found himself struggling with his business concepts when he was called upon by new recruit Gary Fellows to explain what he meant when he said “we have to give 110% of our energy to this project.”  Although the term “110%” is often used in inspirational meetings that middle managers like Smellings have attended in the past, no acceptable definition for the term has ever been set.  “I tried to fulfill my role as a business leader to the new recruits by coming up with a definition of this important term,” Smellings explained, “but found it a bit trickier than I thought it would be.  I mean, I know it doesn’t make much sense, but it’s been a common business phrase for some time now that I never really thought twice about using it.  Of course, as a manager I can’t tell my staff something lame like ‘well, that’s just the way it is’ without explaining myself properly.  I think I’ll have to be better prepared for questions in the future.”  Fellows himself offered his insights into the problem: “I’ve heard empty-headed goons use this stupid term for ages now and nobody is ever able to explain it.  It shouldn’t be used by anyone any more ever again.  It’s just ridiculous.  The term should be removed from the language.  Physically removed.  With a scalpel.  And no anesthetic.”

Porn Connoisseur Can’t Handle Real Life – Not being able to keep a straight face when finding two people in a room together is just one of the ways that porn connoisseur Richart Smithings has proven unable o handle real life.  The list of other symptoms has become so long and varied that Smithings has finally sought professional help.  “I’d meet a woman and try to think of what her porn name must be,” said Smithings, “like somebody called Tammy would become ‘Tammy Tittz’ in my mind.  And then every time a movie comes out, I’m imagining it’s porn ripoff, like ‘Monsters Inc.’ instantly becomes ‘Boners Inc.’  And if I see two women walking down the street together I think they must be bisexual, if I see three I think they’re part of some sort of tag team.  Even my fellow porn connoisseur friends think I’m really strange.”

Gaijin Groupies Keep Hearing Their Names – Ai Takahashi and Yu Morinaga have sworn a solemn pact to each other to improve their English.  This has come after both of them have established themselves properly as gaijin groupies by earning their first foreign boyfriends.  The effort has been made more important in their case by the strange phenomenon they have encountered when hanging around with their new friends – constantly hearing their names mentioned!  “When first beginning hanging out with these people,” Ai-chan explains, “my name was so often heard by me that it became startling.  ‘Ai’m hungry,’ or ‘Ai’m thirsty,’ or ‘Ai want to have sex now.’  What’s that all about, anyway?”  Yu-chan had a similar complaint.  “My boyfriend is so great, but his friends annoy me sometimes – they are always saying my name.  Like ‘what do Yu think,’ or ‘do Yu like tennis?’  Talk about weird, huh?”

Grandmother Dyes Hair To Match Purple Outfit – At a loss over how to properly accessorize her new purple outfit, local flower-arrangement teacher Sadako Hoppihara decided a trip to her boutique to dye her hair purple was in order.  The 92-year-old grandmother of twelve has always been a fashion leader among her peer group, and her previous blue dye job had already nearly faded beyond acceptability.  “Last week’s blue hair was nice,” explained Mrs. Hoppihara, “but it’s time for something fresh and new.  I was starting to feel nearly half my age, and that’s a killer.  Besides, I see from the fashion page that purple is in this week.”

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Cancer Cures and Other Medical Advances Makes Nuclear War Viable Option Again – In decline for many years as a viable option, full scale nuclear war is making a come-back due to popular confidence in medical treatments that will protect rich nations from its adverse effects.  Soil enrichment techniques and anti-erosion schemes would recover damaged soil and gigantic pre-mutated crops could grow enough food to feed any post-acopolyptic population; with medical science on the verge of breaking through to new cancer treatments, and cloned replacement body parts providing additional insurance against the ill effects of radiation, there is probably nothing more to fear from nuclear war.  “We lost a lot of support for our nuclear proliferation,” explains Pentagon spokesman John-Frank Heimer, “especially after the protests in the Seventies.  But with these new breakthroughs, all of the fears of this type of warfare are gradually being alleviated, especially if we can earn trust by guaranteeing that the U.S. would never be hit first by a nuclear weapon.”

Morrissey Claims He's Human, Needs To Be Loved – Morrissey, reversing his previous snooty stance on love and romance, has finally admitted that he is human and needs to be loved.  While many of his fans had previously believed that he was a soulless automation more like the undead reanimated corpse of Oscar Wilde than a real person, finally wants to show his tender side.  Who among us will be brave enough to love him back, we wonder, who? 

Handsome Actor Tragically Typecast in Blockbuster Film Roles – Already suffering under the lack of challenging film roles, in steady decline since the early eighties, more and more handsome actors in Hollywood are being typecast into roles in record-grossing blockbuster movies.  Harrison Ford, once known for his gutsy performance in ‘Apocalypse Now’, must now earn millions of dollars for his parts in some of the biggest grossing films ever.  Mel Gibson, once known for portraying a reporter struggling with his morals in Peter Weir’s award winning explosive art-house drama “the Year of Living Dangerously,” has for over a decade now been cast again and again in the leading role of huge blockbuster films that earn him and his studio billions of dollars.  “It’s terrible, really,” says film reporter Peter Holland, “these actors are earning more and more and acting less and less.  You can see how they are suffering, just the other day Tom told me he hopes he doesn’t get offered twenty million dollars to be in a romantic comedy again.  You know that he wants to say no but just can’t.  Right?”

Ladies Man Gets Less Sex Than Faithful Husband – John Masters, a happily married 34-year-old man, regularly boasts to his friends about what an incredible sex life he has.  Married for over ten years and strictly faithful to his wife, Masters is the envy of his friends John Smith and John Davies, both ladies men.  “I have four or five really hot chicks that I meet for hot encounters,” Smith bragged, “and sometimes get some action on business trips and at Star Trek conventions, but some of the stories Masters tells us really blows my mind.” “I’m lucky to get it four or five times a week,” Davies claims, “but I think Masters is still ahead of me in that respect.  Actually, we’re not even in the same league.  Mind you, it’s always with the same woman, and I’m usually with some lingerie model or other, but he and his wife are like a well-oiled machine.  Man, does he ever have it good.”

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Instrumental Karaoke "Air Guitareoke" Biggest Hit In Japan – A new entertainment craze is sweeping the nation – instrumental karaoke, or “air-guitareoke,” is the biggest new thing in Japan since Tamagochi.  The activity usually involves some drinking beforehand, after which a large group of friends will enthusiastically decide to go sing karaoke together.  Once at a karaoke establishment, the group will see the signs for new “air guitareoke,” and give it a whirl.  Members are blindfolded and subjected to dozens of rock music’s most memorable guitar solos, which they prance and whirl and pose to, straining to get the right cords or play the guitar behind their backs or smashing with big windmill strokes.  “I had so much fun,” reports fun-goer Yasataku Matsumoto.  “Air guitareoke is awesome.  I did the guitar solo for ‘Hotel California’ like ten times last night.  My wrist aches today, but I’m sure I’ll be back doing it next chance I get.”

Expat Unable To Resist Mocking J-Pop Stars – Local expat and amateur writer John Niellsson has become so absorbed in mocking J-Pop stars that he has just completed his own homepage called J-Poop devoted to the subject.  On the page he writes about such topics as Yuki Koyanagi transforming into a black woman, Ayumi Hamasaki on suicide watch, Namie Amuro silently fades into obscurity, and others.  The site is already a big hit with the foreign community.  “The thing about making fun of J-Pop stars is that it’s so easy,” says Niellsson.  “I mean, look at what Koyanagi Yuki wears – the afros, the sassy ‘you go girl’ thing, the gap in the front teeth – it’s obvious she regrets that she wasn’t born a black woman.  And that smiling thing Hamasaki Ayumi – what is it with her songs like ‘Endless Sorrow’ anyway?  What has she got to be so sad about?  Looks to me like things are going great for her, really.  And Namie Amuro, well…”  When asked about the popularity of his site, Niellsson smiled and said, “well, some of my foreign buddies like it, but if I tell any of my Japanese friends about it they never talk to me again.  I guess they don’t see the forest for the trees.”

New Motor Laws Introduced – The Ministry of Transportation has announced that, effective immediately, drivers licenses are to be revoked from drivers who demonstrate a lack of even a shred of common sense, fines given to drivers with no sense of courtesy, and severe warnings given to drivers of garish automobiles that clearly display bad taste.  “In the past,” Ministry spokesperson Kokobara Nanaka told reporters, “visiters from foreign lands would see how Japanese motorists park near intersections, park on sidewalks and block the way of pedestrians, threaten to run over children and elderly alike, drive while yakking is rampant despite laws against it, and expose the public to ugly purple vans with tasteless painted scenes on it as they drive by blaring bad visual-kei band music.  It creates a bad impression for the international community.  New drivers in Japan are already forced to undergo more driver education than anyone in the world, so we actually can’t force them to study even longer before granting them their licenses, so these new laws have been introduced for the thick-headed drivers out there that common sense and courtesy doesn’t touch, to try to urge them to become paper drivers like their mothers.”

Female Hockey Player Carries Gear Bag Over Elbow, Develops Rippling Muscles – The sight of a diminutive lady carrying her bags over her elbow is a familiar sight in Japan, but many Japanese women are discovering that this form of unintentional muscle training is giving them great muscle tone.  Compulsive shoppers who put as many as four packed shopping bags over one arm are able to lift heavier objects than they ever were able to before, and one female hockey player has developed rippling muscles in her entire left arm after carrying a bag full of heavy hockey equipment over her elbow to and from practice.  “The other girls on the team don’t try to carry their bags the new way,” explained hefty goalie Shibayama Tetsuko.  “They always complain they’re too heavy to carry over the elbow and get their boyfriends to lug them.  I think they’re just pussies.”

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Man Says "You're Welcome" Every Single Time He Hears A "Thank You" – In a land where polite exchange is a retail and service industry mantra, it is rare to ever hear a response to compulsive politnesses.  Local exchange student John Davis, however, has made it a point of honor to answer every “thank you” with a warm and enthusiastic “you’re welcome.” “Every morning I take the train and the train attendants wish me a good morning,” explains Mr. Davie, “and I wish them one right back.  I think I’m probably the only one who does this.  Same thing with thank you – when someone sends me a ‘domo arigato,’ I send a ‘doitamashite’ right back at them.  A lot of people are shocked to hear me respond to them, like nobody ever does and they’re not used to it or something.  Some of my classmates make fun of me, and my Japanese girlfriend gets uptight when I say ‘you’re welcome,’ but where I come from you’re supposed to do that – it’s just polite.  Maybe it’s just my little way of smoothing over international relations.  I mean, why do people say ‘thank you’ if it’s not to get a ‘you’re welcome’ out of somebody anyway?  Like, has the whole world gone crazy?  Am I the only one who cares?”

Cyclist Walks Bike Up Slight Incline – When pedaling her bicycle up a small slope became too difficult for her, local housewife Yuki Masahara simply jumped off and pushed the bike the rest of the way to the grocery store.  The hill, which offers a mere five percent grade and doesn’t have much car traffic, is a favorite for local school-children cycling to friends houses or cram schools after school, many of whom easily overtake the huffing and puffing Masahara-san.  “My kids always make fun of me for walking up this hill,” Mrs. Masahara protests, “but they wouldn’t think twice about getting their clothes soaked in sweat.  And this road is deceiving – from a distance it doesn’t even look like it goes uphill, but it’s really a lot tougher than it appears.”

Native Teacher Sucks At English – Students of the advanced English class at the Tondabayashi MOVA recently complained about the English level of their native teacher.  Newly arrived in Japan native English teacher Ohio native Roger Roberts had only been teaching this class for a month when the complaints came pouring in.  “Mr. Roberts is constantly mixing things up,” complained long-time MOVA student Kobayashi Sachiko, “like he once used ‘unwittingly’ when he should have said ‘unknowingly,’ then he tried to tell us that ‘Like A Virgin’ is an example of a metaphor – it’s actually a simile.  He mixed up ‘pathos’ and ‘bathos,’ and then he couldn’t explain to us exactly what ‘prolix’ meant.  We all had to look it up in our dictionaries, it was such a waste of time.  Or how about that time when he said ‘unrelentless’, a new word he made up – seems to be a mix between ‘relentless’ and ‘unrelenting.’  Then he had the nerve to say I was being ‘wordy’ and ‘redundant’ when I made fun of his ‘specious platitudes.’  And how about the way he pronounces ‘especially’ as ‘ex–specially’ – like totally laughable!  Roberts-san shouldn’t be an English teacher if he can’t speak English.”  School manager Matsudayama Yusaku is considering whether or not to fire Mr. Roberts.  A decision will be announced early next year.  Roberts tried weakly to defend himself to reporters, saying only that in high school he was stronger in math than in English. 

Man Begins Sentence With "I'm Not Racist, But..." – Yesterday in Massachusetts, Boston Seneca College freshman William Sturgeon was heard to begin a sentence with the phrase “I’m not a racist, but…”  The open-ended statement left a lot of people to wonder whether he was a racist or not, whether his grasp on rationality made his statements valid, and if he even knew what he was talking about.  “Like, it was interesting to hear what he had to say,” commented dorm buddy Paul Lester, “but why did he feel the need to qualify that he’s not a racist at first.  Is he insecure about something?  I mean, putting that big ‘but’ in the middle of the sentence is a little ridiculous.  If he’s a racist, he should just up and face the fact.  We wouldn’t think any less of him, we’re all racists ourselves, after all.”

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District of Columbia and British Columbia To Be Returned to Columbian Control After Year 2010 – In a historical announcement by the Canadian and U.S. governments, it was announced that both the American District of Columbia and the Canadian province of British Columbia would be returned to Columbia by the year 2010.  “Our two governments feel that the lease on these two Columbian territories should not be indefinite,” says Ottawa spokesperson Shiela Starling-Graves, “and as a goodwill gesture to the other American continent, South America, we felt the importance of returning these areas to Columbian control.  No pressure was exerted on our governments by any of the massive cocaine cartels, or by any of our domestic suppliers and users.”

Guy Wearing Limp Bizzkit T-Shirt Apparently Trying to Make a Statement – Concert revelers at last week’s local “Fun Flood” musical concert event were startled and amazed by at least one off-stage event – a long-haired guy wearing a Limp Bizzkit t-shirt who appeared to be trying desperately to make some sort of statement.  The guy, who appeared to be in his forties and had long shaggy hair, cool shades, and a deep tan, was making an ass of himself in front of the stage by body-checking people from behind, including women half his size, and shouting raucously.  “Everybody I was with was wondering who this guys was,” commented reveler Jim Beamish, “and what he was trying to prove.  Besides that, what’s with the corny t-shirt?  I thought only teenagers and record executives were serious enough about that lame band to actually wear a t-shirt and declare their support.  Weird, man, really weird.”

Locals Referred To As "Gaijin" – Members of a Japanese tour group visiting Los Angeles last week were regularly overheard referring to local people as “gaijin.”  Passing by a group of high school students, Tondabayashi resident Matsuda Rikiko told her companion Tode Yuhei that gaijin kids are all so stout.  The high school students, many of whom had studied Japanese for six years and traveled to Hokkaido as part of an exchange program, approached Ms. Matsuda and told her in perfect Japanese that in America it was actually she who was the gaijin.  Tourists in the group were visibly shaken to be spoken to in Japanese by American teens and spent several minutes bowing and apologizing. 

Single Girl Walks Past Mirror – In the Tokyo area of Shinjuku last Wednesday, attractive young O.L. Yuki Matsuhara was seen to walk past a mirror without stopping to check the status of her hair and make-up.  Ms. Matsuhara, who was superbly coiffed and wore an expertly applied layer of Shiseido facial make-up, seemed unconcerned about how she looked.  “It was weird,” commented local resident Brian Peters.  “Young Japanese women are all so self-conscious, I’ve never been able to see one resist perfecting her look from minute to minute when traveling and being somewhat exposed to the elements, electric fans, crowd movement, and other imperfect conditions.  I can only assume that she has some sort of sixth sense about her make-up, or is so confident in her looks that she doesn’t feel the need to check up on things.  I bet it’s the former, though.”

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Attractive 25-year-old Has Never Had Hair Dyed – Last Monday night in the MOVA English school in Harajuku, native English teacher Sally Timmons was shocked to discover that one of her most attractive students had never had her hair dyed.  Kumiko Barara, an attractive young office worker with jet-black hair, clearly had a look which contrasted alarmingly with the various shades of coloring among other members of her class.  “We were talking about hairstyles and attitudes,” Ms. Timmons explained, “and I asked Kumiko if she had ever dyed her hair, and she said she hadn’t.  I couldn’t believe it.  She has really great features, and doesn’t need a lot of make-up to look radiantly beautiful.  She has a really simple look too, it’s really quite rare to meet someone like her, you know.”

Sloppy Ensemble Painstakingly Thrown Together – University student Mari Matsubaira seems to all appearances to be a sloppy dresser; appearances, however, can be deceiving, and only careful eyes can tell that her sloppy appearance is in fact painstakingly assembled after careful, regular study of various fashion layouts in the half a dozen weekly fashion magazines.  Her messy shirts, saggy pants, scuffed shoes, and crumpled hat are all bought from the best boutiques, made by the best brands, and are up-to-the-week current.  “This hat looks like it was in a box all winter,” Ms. Matsudaira stated, “but in fact I just bought it last week.  It’s supposed to look that way.  Same with my pants.  The other baggy pants I had before are already out of fashion.  At least that’s what ZOOe-OT magazine says.”

New Atom Bomb Kills Only Mosquitoes – Good news for environmentalists, campers, and anti-nuke activists alike was announced by the Pentagon last week when it was revealed that an atomic weapon that kills only mosquitoes and other pests had been developed.  “The new Black Flag x-280 missile is the first in our new line of anti-pest missiles,” announced spokesman Graham Heard, “and it is relatively environmentally friendly – that is, the non-mosquito environment, of course.  We hope it will be a piece of good public relations to the military and its experiments, and we are confident that with the kind of public support we expect this sort of benevolent atomic produc (B.A.P.) to produce, we’ll surely be able to explode a few without public outlash, explosions that we hope to use to to conduct a few side-experiments for our huge people-killer missiles.  It’s has beautiful PR potential and I believe marks a turning point in military-civilian liasoning.  This way we’re ‘appy, you’re ‘appy, ev’ybody ‘appy.”

Canadians and Americans Rumble Outside of Z-Spot – Pent-up aggression that had been growing for years between Canadian and American beer-drinking-and-partying factions was released suddenly in Shinsaibashi late last Friday night as members from the two groups rumbled outside of the Z-Spot.  The fighting arose after Canadian beer drinker John Carter began teasing American partier Dave Strange for his pronunciation of the name of the club.  Eventually, voices were raised and rallying cries of “Zee-Spot” had to contend with calls of “Zed-Spot.”  The action was taken outside, resulting in the various bloody lips and black eyes spotted in English classes around Osaka and the surrounding regions.  “This Can-Am bickering has got to stop,” local Canadian VJ Angela Lassetter told reporters.  “We wouldn’t want Osaka to become another Beirut!”

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Fashion: Those Who Forget History Are Blessed To Repeat It – Fresh fashions never felt so vintage as we look at this year’s revival trends.  Chic young boutique hoppers this year have already been rewarded with the sleek designs of this year’s newest flare jeans and platform shoes, not to forget those stylish leg warmers!  And who can turn their eyes away from a beautiful 20-year-old in a tight tee-shirt with ugly yellow shades – simply stunning.  Many of the greatest trendy fashions of the last century are thankfully being preserved by the latest waves of fashion designers who know a good thing when they’ve seen it in their youths and have dedicated themselves to rewarding young fashion buyers with these delicious clothing lines, proving once again the fashion mantra that “those who forget history are blessed to repeat it!”

Frustrated Teacher Praises Students For Their Disillusionment – After teaching English in Japan for over ten years, John Walker has finally found a group of students that show him some hope for Japan’s future.  “In the past,” explains Walker, “all of my students have been the uncomplaining types, they’d go off to school for four years like their parents wanted of them, then buckle under to a soulless job in some corporation.  Work happily all day long, then ride the hell train home, all an endless cycle.  Nobody seemed to get the big picture.  But the kids these days see it for what it is and complain all day about their horrible lot in life.  It’s encouraging to see that some of them are really very disillusioned with the life they have inherited.  Finally somebody has opened their eyes and sees the real world and how crappy it really is.  Most of them are even a little suicidal, destructive, vindictive, mouthy, disrespectful of authority, all that good stuff that comes with true awareness.  I’ve been encouraging them in this, and I think that they are making some great progress.”

Japanese Language Full of Shit – A delegation of European and American linguists have recently established that the Japanese language is more full of shit than any other language in the world.  With words like “shita,” “shiteimasu” and “shiteru” being used regularly and openly, as well as hundreds of other words with similar roots, it would be difficult to find another language even half as full of shit as Japanese is.  “It’s amazing,” comments comparative linguist John Smith.  “Hundreds of family names and place names use the very common word ‘shit,’ and there is an endless supply of shitty proper nouns.  It’s really an incredible language.”

Cure For Cancer On Hold Until Cure For Baldness Found – Cancer cure funding organizations all over the world are surrendering millions of dollars in donation this year as they answer the call of medics researching a cure for baldness for additional funding.  A baldness cure, seemingly only a breath away in recent years, has eluded researchers who hoped to relieve the suffering of millions of vain men.  “Most people go bald before they die of cancer anyway,” explained baldness researcher Patrick Travers, “so it just makes sense to cure it first.  Who wants to have their cancer cured if they are old and have already gone bald anyway?”  Cancer researchers concurred and have happily deferred a large part of their funding to the greater medical good, as they happily kick up their over-worked heels and take a long-deserved break. 

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Plastic Fruit Finally Rots – A plastic fruit that has been sitting in a basket in the windowsill of housewife Dorothy Monroe for over 25 years has finally gone rotten.  The fruit, a plastic banana, turned dark black and began to smell putrid.  Mrs. Monroe, who had long forgotten that the basket was even there, attempted to pick up the fruit and watched as her fingers sunk into its spongy surface.  “Heavens to Betsy,” Mrs. Monroe told reporters, “it seems like just yesterday when my own Aunt Helen gave me that plastic fruit.  I wonder if the rubber grapes are okay…”

My Email Lover Doesn’t Treat Me Right – This whole new business of email romance is so confusing.  It’s a whole new sensation, and the rules are only being worked out as we go along, but I really think that my email lover is neglecting me.  He sometimes waits an hour, or even two, before he responds to one of my emails.  I think he’s probably busy sending messages to one of my girlfriends that he met in our webring.  I think I’ll create a new account and send him a message and see how he responds.  The fink, I just know he’ll take the bait.  Even though we’ve never met face to face, I really feel like he’s the one, but I won’t know until I’ve proven whether I can trust him or not. 

Chanel chick dislikes being referred to as “Chanel chick” – Not everybody who’s decked head to toe in Chanel goods wants this to be their identity.  Take Chanel chick Mariko Ibaraki for example.  Ms. Ibaragi, indignant when overhearing some gaijin refer to her as a Chanel chick, actually punched the guy in the face!  “A relationship with Chanel goods is a beautiful thing and shouldn’t be taken lightly,” Ms. Ibaragi stated.  “It’s not like those Louis Vuitton gals - everyone knows half of their stuff is fake anyway.”

Exchange Student Hates Being Called “Alien” – Seira Yukijirushi, a 23-year-old language studying English in Santa Monica, California, has become so infuriated by being constantly called an “alien,” that she is considering writing a letter to local congressman Joe Zappetti.  “I think it’s so insulting to come all this way and have people call me an ‘alien,’” miss Yukijirushi commented in Santa Monica late last week.  “I mean, I’m not some E.T., no matter what theories the new age people have that the Japanese people are descended from DNA farms initiated by star travelers from Pleiades.”  Ms. Yukijirushi hopes that congressman Zappetti will be able to single-handedly push an anti-defamation bill through Congress on her behalf. 

Elderly Woman In Rush To Board Train – Sachiko Morinaga, anxious to be the first one to board a train yesterday in Nishinomiya Kitaguchi station, rudely pushed past office workers and students in her desperations to get on a train.  Happily surprised to find the train nearly empty, she quickly found a place on the shady side of the train for her and her bags. 


Q.Q.Q. - Quotably Quotable Quotes

"Life isn't a porn flick, you know."
"I don't hate gays, but I'd never marry one."
"Keeping in touch by emailing and phoning is one thing, but I think my parents actually want CNN coverage of my life."
"Let's be independent together."
“Militant celibates are intellectual fascists.”
“Y2K – what does that stand for again?”
”Why is everybody on the train either an attractive young woman or a middle-aged salaryman?”
"I’m cheating on my wife with a fat ugly chick, but so what – if it's good enough for the president, it's good enough for me"
"I can read my own mind."
"Who would have ever thought that going nowhere fast would be so time-consuming?"
"Counter culture is now the real culture!"
"Friends don't ask friends for fucking favors all the time!" -

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email: Peter Hoflich created April 30th, 2003

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