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Michael
Moore Denounces "Fictional" Japanese Weddings -
Academy Award filmmaker
Michael Moore shocked guests at the Holy Wedding Chapel located in the
New
Otani Hotel when he stood up and lambasted the ceremony. “This is
a
fictional wedding ceremony at fictional church performed by a
fictional
minister who is reading from a fictional bible while a fictional choir
is
singing fictional songs .” Moore pointed out that the “Chapel”
has a
hidden video cameras to tape the ceremony and the “minister” is
actually an
English teacher named Eli Cohen. Moore shocked guests by
showing
that the “bible” had photocopied crib sheets or “cunning
paper” glued
on top of the pages and revealed that the “choir” was made up of office
ladies
from JTP travel. Moore's rant was booed by guests after the
bride, Suzuki
Hanako, 28, ran off in tears. Sources say that Suzuki had been
dreaming
of this day since seeing an undiclosed Audrey Hepburn movie
when she
was 11 years old. – with extra reporting by Quentin Quigglesworth.
Sean
Lennon Still Not As Famous As Arlo Guthrie – According to reports by
leading pop
sociologists, aging folk singer Arlo Guthrie, son of folk legend Woody
Guthrie
and author of the classic “Alice’s Restaurant,” is still considered
more famous
than Sean Lennon, the son of John Lennon who has never had solo success
of any
note. Although his father is one
of the most famous musicians in the world, Sean Lennon is mostly famous
for
being famous and doing famous things with other famous people. Guthrie, who has not remained in the
public eye in recent years, is still widely regarded for his famous
littering
anthem “Alice’s Restaurant” and its memorable guitar theme. Guthrie did not appear to be gloating
in his celebrity ranking. Sources
close to Sean Lennon explained that the child star “wasn’t too bummed
out by
it,” consoled perhaps by the fact that he is more famous than both his
mother
Yoko Ono and half brother Julian Lennon.
Scientists
Isolate Female “Silent Ororless Fart” Gene – Geneticists in the United
Nations genetic
research laboratories in a secret location in Kerplachistan announced
last week
the discovery of the female gene responsible for the “silent odorless”
fart. Scientists have long known
that although women fart just as men do, their flatulations are nearly
always
silent and odorless. “Our
breakthrough came quite unexpectedly, as they often do,” explained
research
scientist Brad Palmerston, “and there has been much rejoicing among the
team. Now we hope to use the gene therapy
to
help men become less stinky and noisy when they fart.
This has been a problem since the dawn of time, and we hope
that a general improvement in the air will improve human relations,
decrease
the incidence of divorce, help neighbors live in harmony, and, uh,
bring peace
to the world. You know, groovy
shit like that.”
Tall
Japanese Escapes Unnoticed
– Commuters on the Hankyu train last week were shocked and amazed to
see two
very tall gaijin aboard the train.
Brian Standard and Phillip Groan, both over six feet tall, were
quite
accustomed to being stared at in public, feigned indifference and
allowed bored
expressions to grow on their faces while giving each other knowing “oh
no not
this again” looks. Unnoticed by
either Standard and Groan and the other commuters was Yamazaki Kazuo, a
Kansai
Gaidai university student who, at 185 cm., was just as tall as Mr.
Standard and
slightly taller than Mr. Groan.
“Some people notice that I am pretty tall,” Yamazaki told
reporters,
“but I mostly go unnoticed. Once
this really short foreigner came up to me and said to me in a shocked
voice ‘sega
takai dessine!!I’ That was
pretty weird, actually.”
Bush
Sells Dixie Chicks CDs on Ebay – After the Dixie Chicks fracas
during their London concert
and their forced public kowtowing to authority, repercussions shocked
through
Nashville, Memphis, even New York.
Mountains of their records were bulldozed, and eBay was flooded
with cut
rate copies of used CDs, now unwanted by their original owners. Sources close to the President have
indicated that he himself has also placed all of his copies of their
best-selling CDs on the market, as well as those belonging to his
daughters. “The President is not
interested in listening to music made by people who have insulted him
personally, much less are traitors to the state,” the source explained. “Besides, he needs the money to pick up
the new Shania Twain single.”
Entire
Nation Convinced It Is Threatened By People On The Other Side Of The
Planet
– A large nation in the northern
hemisphere has recently become convinced that an oil-rich nation on the
other
side of the world, thousands and thousands of miles away, presents the
greatest
threat to its safety of its people and their interests.
Both nations are really far apart. The
people from either nation almost
never come together, because they just live so very very far
apart. Their cultures have very little in
common, because there is so much space between them.
They really have almost nothing in common. Most
people in the threatened nation
would not even be able to find the other nation on a map if weren’t
constantly
being shown in the media. Oh well,
things like this happen.
Handsome
White Male Seeks Cute Japanese Female For Fun And Romance – Maybe a little
dinner and a
movie, afterwards – if things are going well – a little tenderness and
romance. HWM has been in Japan for some
time and
knows all the right things to say to JF to make her feel important. After he tires of her, though, he will
never call her again.
Multiply
By Zero, Divide By Infinity
– Mathematicians have discovered that multiplying a number by zero
creates a
zero, while dividing a number by infinity will also create a zero. Why this is nobody knows just yet.
Japanese
Commuter Wonders Why Foreigners Don’t Look At Themselves In Mirror – Riding the
Midosuji line in
busy rush hour traffic every day, office worker Kiki Sakahara usually
just
barely has enough elbow room to pull out her portable folding make-up
mirror to
check herself as often as she needs to during her commute to work. Luckily, stations also provide mirrors
near the turnstiles so that she can get a bigger view of the state of
her
appearance. But over the years,
Kiki has slowly observed that foreigners don’t look at themselves in
the mirror
at all. “I used to always see
these English teachers going to work in the mornings,” explained Ms.
Sakahara,
herself a student of several English conversation schools.
“One of them was really beautiful, but
she didn’t even look at her face in the mirror once, not even to touch
up her
mascara! And some of the ladies
were kind of fat and plain looking, they must have been totally
self-conscious
over the poor state of their appearances, but they didn’t look at their
foundation in the mirror either.
Actually, they didn’t seem to even have any foundation on – I
guess it’s
because they have such nice skin anyway.
I used to see a couple of foreign guys check themselves in the
mirror,
but I think they were fags.”
Materialistic
Westerner Criticizes Materialistic Japanese – Last night in Sam and Daves in
Umeda, a
large table of slightly inebriated materialistic westerners sat
drinking
expensive cocktails and poking fun at the materialism of the Japanese. “The Japanese are so materialistic,”
said materialistic English teacher Sarah Schanelle as she fondled her
new Cartier
watch, a present from herself for her 24th birthday. “All they think about is label label
label, brand brand brand. I mean,
I like to have good stuff too, but at least I don’t keep the paper bag
it came
in and parade all over town in it!”
“Oh, yeah, you’re much better than they are,” agreed her friend
Sally
Streams as she played with her heavy 24 karat gold necklace. “They don’t even really look good in
the clothes, except the odd woman who actually has hips.
And check out the huge SUVs on the tiny
narrow roads. How pathetic.
At least back home we have wide roads –
there it makes sense to ride in style.” The
conversation continued for some time. Neither
woman has any Japanese
friends. Both went home alone.
Line
From Movie Just Doesn’t Make Sense – Local film connoisseurs were
bemused, then confused by
bizarre B –movie dialogue that “just doesn’t make sense.” Thirty gaijin
were
watching infamous monster flick “the Manster” (starring a young Yul
Brynner),
when the soon-to-be-infmamous line was uttered. “This
one guy is a sort of a square, pipe smoking type of guy,”
explains film viewer Quentin Quigglesworth, “then he meets this perky,
well-dressed married woman he hasn’t seen for a long time and she says
‘you
look as young as you ever did.’ We
all laughed, then we stopped and wondered if it made any sense. I don’t know, what do you suppose she
was really trying to say?”
Japanese
Amazed At Foreigner’s Chopstick Dexterity – Crowds of Japanese gathered
around
resident gaijin Joe Plemborn in the Ikedaya Izakaya in Ikeda last week
and
marveled at his amazing chopstrick dexterity. “Hashi
josu dessine!” an astonished man exclaimed to
the visibly embarrassed Plemborn.
“Thank you,” Plemborn mumbled, and tried to continue eating his
meal.
Japanese
Amazed At Foreigner’s Large Feet – Crowds of Japanese gathered
around resident gaijin Sam
Littenhouse at a friendly gathering of friends in the Ikedaya Izakaya
in Ikeda
last week and marveled at his incredibly large feet.
“Ashi dekai, dessine!” exclaimed class clown Hidetaka
“Hidetan” Horii, an amazed classmate of Littenhouse’s girlfriend
Yumiko,
to the other members of the former high school classmates.
“Thank you,” Littenhouse mumbled, as he
tried to console his embarrassed girlfriend whose face was turning red. “And you know what that means,” Hidetan
said confidentially to fellow merrymaker Masayuki “Masentan” Hashimoto,
as he
elbowed him in the ribs.
Japanese
Amazed At Foreigner’s Foreigner Can Eat Japanese Food – Crowds gathered
around resident
gaijin Lilinda Mettlebottom at a wedding reception in Ikeda last week
and
marveled at her ability to eat Japanese foods. Observing
Mettlebottom place a piece of succulent maguro
sashimi in her mouth after properly dipping the tip in a mixture of soy
sauce
and wasabi, the amazed wedding guests let out as gasp as they saw her
try a
piece of tororo mountain potato.
“Can you eat natto,” the astonished Junko Machida asked
Mettlebottom. “How about sushi? Soba? Tempura?
Shrimp? Tuna? Konyaku? Raw horse meat?
Whale? Bear? Deer?” A murmur rose when Mettlebottom answered in
the affirmative
to these questions, along with several exclamations of disbelief such
as “USO!!”
and “Maji-DE?!” An
ambulance had to be called to rush shocked wedding guest Buriko
Maniamoto,
overwhelmed by reverse culture shock, as she fainted and smashed her
head on
the edge of a table.
Japanese
Amazed Foreigner Knows More About Japan Than They Do – Crowds gathered
around
resident gaijin Franken Bettmass at a local drinking hole as it was
discovered
that the English teacher knew more about Japan than most of them did. Able to name all of the current and
former members of SMAP and Tokio, 4-year resident Bettmass also claimed
to be a
fan of music groups that the aging salarymen pub regulars had never
heard of,
to have seen Japanese films they had never seen, and to have read
novels by
famous Japanese writers that they knew of by name only.
“This guy seems to be pretty interested
in Japan,” regular patron Mitchikata Yuji told reporters, “but he
really
doesn’t know much about baseball.
And besides – how much credit can you give to a guy who chooses
to live in a country other than his own?”
Japanese
Language Speeding Towards Total Ambiguity – Linguists and sociologists are
expressing
their alarm as findings report that the Japanese language is speeding
towards
total ambiguity. This could spell
disaster for the world’s second largest economy, as well as the world
as a
whole. “What we’ve got here is
failure to communicate,” explains Asian-languages expert linguist Frank
Frankens. “Although there is a
place for the subject and verb in the Japanese language, kids these
days are
too lazy to use them. Then there
is the rising tone that usually indicates a question is now being used
for just
plain statements. Nobody
understands the point another person is trying to make; and so you get
what we
have here today, which is failure to communicate.”
Frankens also mentions that the language itself isn’t
entirely to blame, as the general lack of street names leads to acute
confusion
when explaining directions. Most
Japanese these days communicate by cell phone-based emails. “A picture is worth a thousand words,”
explains bored commuter and cell phone user Mariko Makino, “so I just
say it
all with an emoticon.” Scientists
estimate that by the year 2025, nobody in Japan will be able to
understand each
other at all.
Non-American
Checks Internet Home Page
– Swedish web surfer Bjorn Christensen was shocked yesterday when he
realized
that nine of the last ten websites he looked at during a break at work
were
clearly intended for American viewers.
“Like, all these sites I saw made reference to TV shows that any
American with cable can watch,” said Christensen. “There
were all these statements like ‘this is the best
album ever released in the States,’ or ‘any American should own this
album.’ It’s all kind of weird
reading it if you are not American yourself.”
Billionaire’s
Ex-Mistress Now Rides Subway – Passengers of the JR Osaka
loop line were amazed yesterday
to see Mariko Yamaguchi, ex-mistress of billionaire Kamekichi
Hashimoto, board
the train at Sakuranomiya station.
Carrying an expensive Berkin bag, valued at over 10,000 dollars,
and
with diamond and ruby-encrusted jewelry dripping off of her wrists and
fingers,
Ms. Yamaguchi was tastefully dressed head to toe in the latest Chanel
designs
and looked stunning as she tapped out phone messages on a flashy new
cell phone
with her 5 cm nail extensions.
Recently abandoned by her sugar daddy, the 24-year-old former
fashion
college student has found herself on hard times and has resorted to
public
transportation. “When I was dating
Sparky, I used to only take cabs,” explained Ms. Yamaguchi, “I even had
a
personal driver for a couple of weeks a few years ago.
But when a girl gets older, she’s got
to count her yen carefully, no more wanton spending on things like
taxis – it
costs money to look this good. And
at 24, I’m nearly over the hill – who knows if I still have what it
takes to
rope in a new billionaire!”
Media
Lies Appeal To Viewer Vanity - Recent
media
“wide shows” in Japan have begun to appeal to viewer vanity even more
than ever
before, now reaching a point where they have to bend the truth in order
to keep
viewers watching. With the appeal
of phony survivor shows that set teenage wannabes loose in Central Asia
with
nothing but a toothbrush and a 100 yen coin, TV execs realize that the
gullibility of the viewing public can be pushed to even greater
extremes, even
with “fact-based” daily living shows.
“The Japanese have been inspecting their ‘Japanese-ness’ for
decades,
and it has been challenging for us to come up with new themes to
explore,”
explains TV producer. “Luckily,
blatant lying and manipulation is still an option, such as when we
‘discovered’
that only Japanese suffer from ‘katakori’, or stiff shoulders. I know most people found that difficult
to swallow, but people here took point in pride that in this respect
they were
suffering alone – from an international perspective! Other successful lies we’ve managed to
fob off on people is the inspection of how Japan’s four seasons are
different
from the seasons of other people in the world, how the Japanese brain
has
different ‘energy flows’ from the brains of people of other races in
the world,
and how only Japanese have hard, brittle earwax – other races seem to
only have
gooey earwax. So far we have been
lucky and nobody has exposed us by disproving these theories since most
just
assume that anything that is reported has to be thoroughly researched
by
omniscient staff writers, although you do hear the occasional grumble
from
someone who has spent time abroad.
Most individuals just can’t be bothered to stand up to a media
giant.
Hamasaki
Ayumi Unveils New Lesbian Clone Look – Patrons of the nations record
stores were
amazed last week when local pop diva unveiled her new lesbian clone
look. The newly released and imaginatively
titled “Ballad Singles” CD showed Ms. Hamasaki lying in bed, cheeks
flushed
with passion, in an embrace with… herself. The
clone look is not an entirely new one, as it has been
used by vain Hollywood stars Arnold Schwartzenegger and Michael Keaton,
but
this is the fist time in recent record that a pop star has actually
been seen
kissing herself. “It’s no secret
that women in Japan like to admire themselves in the mirror,” explains
record
executive Matsuya Horikawa, “and vanity is kind of institutionalized
here, but
Ms. Hamasaki has the money and influence to actually realize her
innermost
fantasy. She has cut ties with all
of her male and female consorts and has been locked up in a hotel for
over a
week with her new clone lover. At
the height of her popularity, it is really only a major trendsetter
like Ms.
Hamazaki who can pull off such a bold new look. The
effects are already evident in the number of hits
cloning sites around the world have been receiving from Japanese search
engines,
and the interest expressed, mostly by female applicants, in cloning
services in
aesthetic salons the nation over.”
99%
Of Canadians Don't Know Who Freed The Slaves – With statistics
showing the declining
proficiency scores by students alarming parents and government
officials alike,
a recent survey has shown that over 99% of Canadian students don’t know
who
freed the slaves. The survey,
conducted by StatistiCan, found high school and university participants
offering a variety of answers ranging from Sir Wilfred Laurier for his
efforts
in the First World War, to William Lyon Mackenzie King for his efforts
during
his long term in office, to Pierre Trudeau for lifting the Emergency
Measures
Act following the FLQ Crisis of 1972, to Margaret Trudeau for her work
on
sexual liberation when she was a groupie for the Rolling Stones and
leading
diplomacy in hippy communes in Africa, to Brian Mulroney for his work
on the
Meech Lake Accord, to Norman Bethune for his work providing free
medical care
to the People’s Liberation Army during the Chinese civil war or 1945 to
1948. Some applicants even
indicated George Washington, a non-Canadian, for his help in freeing
the white
settlers of the Thirteen Colonies from the slavery of their British
oppressors,
who were the British administrators and loyalists of the British
colonial area
that nearly 100 years later became the first Canadians!
StatistiCan was unable to reveal
numerically how many students knew the correct answer to who freed the
slaves,
claiming that it is impossible statistically for 100% of applicants to
not know
the answer. “Certainly at least 1%
of the students asked must actually know the answer,” explained
StatistiCan
researcher Rodney Hawking, “even if they actually wrote another answer
on the
sheet.”
Japanese
Steal White Culture, Put Yellow Face On It – With another record-breaking
year of
record sales, critics of the Japanese record industry have pointed out
its
insistence in developing their own musical acts instead of importing
best-selling bands from abroad is not only an isolationist policy with
nationalistic
motives, but it is also a form of cultural theft with Japanese
musicians
stealing white culture from America and selling it as their own. “Japan has a long history of its own
music,” says sociologist and music executive Servio Venios, “like the
Okinawan
jamisen music, minyo, and other festival music, but this isn’t
what
sells the most records today. No,
these are the sounds that Japanese artists have directly stolen from
white
artists and put a yellow face on.
For example, just look at all the Japanese rappers blatantly
ripping off
the white rap sounds of Eminem and Ice Tea. Even
rockin’ rappers like Mad Capsule Markets took their cue
at first from the Beastie Boys before they developed their sound in
other directions. And look at all the soul
artists like
Misia and UA who are directly ripping off white divas like Celine Dion
and
Mariah Carey. It’s really
shocking. And then when
internationally acclaimed acts tour Japan, they can barely sell out ten
thousand seat venues any more.
It’s not worth it to come over and eat take-out food for the
small
concert returns, and with all the music being downloaded off the
internet
groups like U2 can barely even break even, here or overseas. It’s a sick world that our record
executives’ children will inherit.
I think the Bush administration should do something about
solving this
trade deficit. I think that
popping the bubble to retaliate for the automobile trade surplus wasn’t
radical
enough, but I know our friends in the White House have some pretty good
ideas,
so most of us in the record industry are feeling a little optimistic. Look what happened to the Dixie
Chicks!”
Half
of Japan's Elderly Technically Dwarves – Surveys of the elderly
population of
Japan has discovered that nearly half of Japan’s elderly can
technically
considered dwarves. A dwarf, or
little person, has been technically described as a little person, that
is an
adult with adult proportions but “of a child’s height,” or under four
feet
tall. Not that this means
anything, it just means that sometimes you see someone from a distance
and
assume that they are at least five fee tall, then when you get close
you find
that they are only four feet tall and it totally plays with your mind,
you
know?
9 out
of 10 Urban Women Now Impeccable Dressed – An informal fashion survey
conducted at
heavily-traveled urban transit hubs in Tokyo, Nagoya, and Osaka has
discovered
that at least 9 out of 10 urban woman are at any given moment
impeccably
dressed. With polished shoes, new
nylons, skirts just the right length and wrinkle-free, perfectly
(re-)applied
make-up, no eyeglasses and not a single hair out-of-place, nearly every
woman
that passed by research stations could be considered by any standard
impeccably
dressed and “photo spread perfect.”
Due to the mobility of twenty-something live-at-home career
women
putting off marriage to a later date and their high percentage of
monthly
disposable income, nearly every woman seen downtown has all the time,
resources, and inclination to make herself as perfect as possible –
this is the
story that has been hammered into us endlessly by the western media,
and it is
true!! “Women these days won’t
stand for anything less than absolute physical perfection and total
integrity,”
explains fashion observer and NOVA English teacher Josh Wardnikkson,
“which is
why there are so many total babes here in Japan. Like,
even after working twelve hours in some cramped
office, these women look fresh as the morning dew when they stumble off
the
train after midnight after spending a few hours drinking in the Pig
with guys
like me. Just amazing.
Just, absolutely, totally amazing. Wow.”
Guy
loses Entire Music and Video Library When Hard Drive Crashes – Josh Barnardson
nearly lost
his mind yesterday morning when he discovered that a computer crash had
wiped
out his entire music and video library.
The crash, which occurred at 3:30 AM when Barnardson was
downloading a
twenty minute-long porn video clip, wiped out hundreds of CDs that he
had burned
from friends, plus over a thousand songs that he had downloaded for
free from
the internet over several months.
Subway
Rider Picks Nose When Nobody Is Looking – John Head picked his nose
during rush
hour yesterday on the crowded Midosuji line yesterday.
First looking casually to his right and
left, Head made certain that nobody was looking first.
“Picking my nose has become a
subconscious thing for me, actually,” Head explained, “but I still have
to make
sure that none of the babes I’m trying to make eye contact with notices
what
I’m doing. I know I will probably
never see any of them again in my life, but I wouldn’t want any of them
to
think I’m a nose-picker!”
Guy
With Marajuana Leaf T-Shirt NOT A Stoner – Police yesterday stopped a
22-year-old
man driving a van with a large pot plant logo tire cover and held him
for five
minutes for questioning before letting him go on his way.
Lance Jacobs, who was also wearing a
marijuana leaf t-shirt and a marijuana logo headband and listening to
Pink Floyd
on the radio denied all accusations that he was indeed a stoner. “Like, the pigs figure that if they see
a white kid driving a van he’s got to be a stoner.
I just like the way the pot leaf looks, you know, the
symmetry and all that. Well, I
suppose most leaves are symmetrical, but the pot leaf is pretty cool
still. Sure, I listen to a lot of
psychadelic music – Pink Floyd, Hawkwind, Monster Magnet – and some
heavy metal
– like AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, White Zombie, Monster Magnet – but I never
actually
smoke the stuff myself.” Shaking
his head and muttering about intolerance and injustice in the world,
Jacobs
explained “actually, I’m hooked on speed,” before driving off towards
downtown.
Cats
and Dogs Fall From Sky
– Yesterday in areas around the States, dozens of people claimed that
it was
raining so hard that it was “literally raining cats and dogs.” While it seems hard for us to imagine,
if somebody said it, then it must be true. Because
nobody overuses the word literally. You
literally have to force someone at
gunpoint to use the word “literally” for extra added emphatic stressed
emphasis.
Kimutaku
– Japan’s John Bon Jovi
– Ask anyone to point out Japan’s Bon Jovi figure and everybody will
point at
the band SMAP and it’s iconic leading figure Kimura Takuya. The hair, the jeans, the eyes, the
charming smile, the budding acting career, the bad singing and horrible
dancing. Yep, if Japan has a Bon
Jovi, then Kimutaku is it!
Jazz
No Longer Considered Decadent – Considered decadent for over
fifty years by the cultural
dictators of the media, jazz music has finally become respectable at
beatnicks
infiltrate all levels of the government and into the highest levels of
the
media, driving ticket prices into the hundred dollar range and keeping
aging
junkie musicians alive well beyond the age when they should by all
rights be
dead. “Jazz was once considered
the devil’s music,” explains musicologist John Smith, “but now there
are new
sorts of devil’s music and jazz hardly seems that bad any more. Jazz musicians certainly never went
around performing black masses onstage, cutting up sheep, drinking
blood. That is all done nowadays at heavy
metal and rap concerts, so jazz seems pretty tame now.
There was a time, though, when worried
fathers wouldn’t let their daughters out of the house when jazz acts
were in
town for fear that the mere gaze of the musicians themselves would be
enough to
impregnate them! Jazz is now so
thoroughly institutional that former rap and metal artists that want to
clean
up their acts decide to become jazz musicians. And
one need look no farther than Ozzy Osbourne to see
that.”
Old
Band’s New Album Best Since Last Commercial Success – This band has
just released a new album,
and it is their most accessible release of the decade.
In fact, it is their best release since
their last really excellent release of a few years back.
Way to go guys. Release another one
like this and I’ll
send in an updated version of this same review!
Ugly
Beckham Hair Still Popular One Year After End Of World Cup – Nishinomiya,
Japan. Nearly one year after the end of
the
world cup, David Beckham’s ugly upside-down ducktail haircut/false
mohican
haircut can still be seen occasionally on the streets of this town. Defying all fashion sense, one percent
of all children who sported the haircut a year ago still wear
the same
haircut to this day, even long after Beckham himself changed it and a
full millennium
after it was actually for a millisecond a trendy cut to sport. “David Beckham is a great football
player,” explains Yuji Kotaroho, proud wearer of the aforementioned
hairstyle,
“but it is his haircut that really shocked the world.
And some day when I grow up I too want to shock the world
with this haircut. That is why I
want to always look like Beckham and be shocking.”
World's
First X-Rated Commercial
– NBC TV this week will launch the world’s first X-rated commercial. The commercial for Calvin Klein jeans
will feature porn star Jenna James and friend-to-the-porn-industry and
former
actor Charlie Sheen and will show during a prime-time episode of
Friends. The episode, entitled “Finally:
Group
Sex,” will be thematically linked to the commercial, which will show
both oral
and vaginal sex. “Ms. James and
Mr. Sheen have the look we wanted for this type of commercial,” says
advertising executive Carla Ross, “and when we realized that nobody had
ever
made a commercial X-rated before we decided we had better get on the
ball with
it before everybody is doing it.
No pun intended. No, wait…
actually I think I did intend to make a pun there.” Ms. Ross may be incorrect in her
estimations that the commercial will be the first to be X-rated since
she has
conveniently overlooked the 1979 Levis ad featuring Serge Gainsbourg
and Jane
Berkin.
Superpower Acts Like Spoiled Child – In the opening years of the
new
millennium one of the earth’s superpowers, some would say the only
superpower, has begun acting like a spoiled child.
First the spoiled child superpower withdrew from several
important anti-war and pro-environment treaties, then it began picking
fights
with nations on the other side of the globe and bullying its friends to
support
it right or wrong. After reducing
complicated issues to simple black and white terms, many people around
the
world began to wonder what type of hissy fit the superpower would take
next, or
who it would falsely accuse of having the cooties.
“When I was a kid there was this boy that reminds me exactly
of this superpower,” explains French ambassador to the U.N. “He used to always piss people off, yet
for some reason he was quite popular on the schoolyard.
I could never understand why. Then
one day he was gone – his father
had been transferred to another town and his family had to move. I wonder if that is what is going to
happen in this case as well?”
Motto "Sweets For My Sweet, Sugar For My Honey" Makes Girlfriend
Diabetic – Learning the ways of love from pop songs has been a rite
of
passage for the last fifty years, but it is not every song that will
make a
loved one become diabetic. And
yet, the song “Sweets for my sweet” is just such a song.
The classic refrain “sweets for my
sweet, sugar for my honey” is more than enough to convince any aspiring
love to
load up on candy and honey-laden goods for the intended lover, who will
eventually
bloat and develop weight- and sugar intake-related stress maladies such
as
diabetes and other illnesses.
“Obesity and diabetes is on the rise in this country, and by
that I obviously
mean the United States of America,” explains health worker Tina Young. “And it is songs like this that only
make the problem worse. There is
more work for us in the hospitals, and more people are getting fat and
ugly and
unhappy and unmarried without anybody that loves them anymore and dying
younger. It’s really a sad world
we live in. Here we are – won the
cold war, richest country in the world, most opportunities, best prison
system
in the world, and no way to enjoy it because we are sitting on our fat
asses
watching TV and injecting insulin.
Sad, sad, sad…
Only In The Movies: Language No Barrier Because Everybody Speaks
English
– Only a small percentage of the people of the earth speak even a few
English
phrases, but in the movies it’s a different story – every Chinese
peasant or
Central American shopkeeper can speak enough English, albeit with a
stilted
accent, to help any stray movie star get by in any part of their
respective
countries. Isn’t it great how God,
or some other power, can bring together famous movie stars and the only
person
for miles who can speak a word of English. Funny
how that works, isn’t it?
Ancient Records Show Pre-Millennial Fear in Year 1 BCE – With
the fears
of a millennium bug and hysteria having proven misleading, let’s look
back at
other millennial hoaxes. Over the
ages it has not only been the Jehovah’s Witnesses who have predicted an
end of
the world that never came, but 1000 years ago the sects of the Druids
and
Celtic Frost-bringers. Ancient
records, discovered recently in ancient pagan settlements in modern-day
Kerplachistan have shown that pre-millenial fear was especially acute
in the
year 1 BCE. “Although not many
people actually knew of the upcoming birth of the Christ child in a
manger in
Nazareth, many were aware of a ‘time of the millennium-kinda-feeling,’”
explains famed eschatological scholar Brian Buddings.
“The signs were all there, the soothsayers were all
predicting fearful things, there was hunger and famine and disease and
the
masses were ignorant. It was
millennial fever quite similar to what we experienced in the late
nineties with
all the preparations for the millennial bug that never happened. But 2000 years ago, people went to
their graves assured that it was going to happen any second. And life continued in that vein for
thousands and thousands of years.
And it is still like that to this day – even if it is not the
millennium, the world will end, but every now and then it actually is
the millennium. And then the world
is going to end.”
Multi-Platinum Recording Artist Actually Cares What Critics Think
–
Although most recording stars are much to aloof about their careers to
bother
to pay attention to what critics write about them, multi-platinum
recording
artist Fred Durst of the nu-meatal band Limmp Biscuit is not among them. Durst cares what critics take the time
to write about him and he dutifully reads the reviews of his concerts
and CDs
and other public appearances that a clipping service sends him. “Critics have a lot to say,” says
Durst, “and I can learn a lot about them.
For example, last year one guy wrote that the songs on our last
album
were OK, but that they lacked a bit of oomph. Well,
this year we not only have a new guitarist to replace
the chimpanzee we used to have, but we will also introduce a full
orchestra –
yes, an orchestra, and one that is twice as big as the one that
Metallica used
on their stupid ‘S&M’ release.
Hah!”
Roads
Too Narrow For 2-Way Traffic Declared Bicycle and Pedestrian Zones,
Cars Now
Illegal To Drive Practically Anywhere – A massive overhaul of Japan’s
traffic and
zoning laws has led to most streets being closed to all car traffic. The new law, which states that all
roads must be wide enough to accommodate two lanes of traffic, has
rendered
more than 75% of Japan’s roads bicycle and pedestrian zones. “We developed these strict laws because
too many people were driving their massive trucks, these ‘soov’ or
‘seev’
four-wheel-drive urban vehicles, down the narrow roads and blocking
each other,
especially when there was problems getting around cars and other trucks
parked
on both sides of the street. And
in the past, roads that were only really one-and-a-half lanes wide were
considered two lane roads. This
led to a lot of problems. Now we
have decided that closing all but the widest roads to car traffic will
help us
reduce oil consumption – about a million barrels a day.
Seems like a good idea, so we’re going
to try it for a while and see how it works out.
Bald Guy's Nickname is "Curly" – Larry Morris may be bald, but
this doesn’t stop him and his friends from fantasizing ironically that
he has a
full head of glorious, curly hair.
As a result he calls himself “Curly” and asks others to do the
same. “I was never fond of the
name ‘Larry,’” explains Morris.
“Curly is funny and ironic and always gets a smile.
I pick a lot of chicks this way. People
are usually prejudiced towards
the folically-challenged like myself, so we need all the help we can
get. I know a dozen other bald men who
have
hair-related nicknames. It’s
fun. You should shave your head
some time and try it too – it’s a gas.”
New Leonard Cohen Album "Famous Green Sweater," Features Song
"Kurt Cobain Afterworld" – Capitol Records announced yesterday
its plans to release a bootleg of unreleased Leonard Cohen songs,
originally
performed by the singer at an after-hours party backstage.
The release, to be titled “Head On An
Unmade Bed” will include the never-before-released songs “Famous Green
Sweater”
and “Kurt Cobain Afterworld” that the famous Canadian made up on the
spot in
tribute to the Nirvana lead singer who had just recently accidentally
killed
himself while attempting to clean a shotgun while drunk.
“The quality of the recordings is quite
good,” says Capitol spokesman Barney Fallows, “although Leonard and
everybody
present was drunk out of their minds.
It’s pretty interesting, but more of interest to collectors and
fans
than neophyte listeners.”
Sweaty Pits Coming Back Into Fashion – The fashion barometers of
London
and Paris are now reporting what ten years ago scarcely anyone would
dare
believe – that sweaty armpits are coming back into fashion. The sweaty pits, once the curse of fat
white men and manual laborers, are so trendy now that the most
expensive haute
couture houses are producing silk shirts with material dyed a darker
shade
under the armpits to produce a “sweaty pit effect” even without and
actual
perspiration. “Off the rack sweat
is what we call it,” explains Chanel designer Viva Reynolds, “and it’s
sure to
be all the rage for the next two or three weeks. I’ve
had mine since last Tuesday, but that is because I work
in the industry.”
Bleeding Heart Liberal Satire Writer Stops Grieving For Timothy
McVeigh Long
Enough To Write Satire Article – Tasteless satirist and bleeding
heart
liberal Johnathan Meadows stopped grieving over the senseless
state-sponsored
execution/”murder” of Timothy McVeigh just long enough last Monday to
write a
satire article attacking it. The
government, mentioned specifically in the article, has refused comment.
Hollywood Film Testament To The
Fact That Westerners Do It Too – Viewers of the late ‘80s Nicholas
Cage
movie “Vampire’s Kiss” were shocked last week to discover that it is
not only
Japanese commuters who vainly sit on trains and apply make-up from hand
mirrors, but western women do it as well.
The scene in an elevator shows a woman using the reflection of a
shiny
metal elevator door as a mirror to touch up her lipstick instantly
brought to
mind similar scenes seen endlessly all across Japan and other Asian
countries. “We were pretty shocked
to see it,” says viewer Brian Bumbit, “but I guess I now remember a lot
of my
classmates back home were pretty vain too. Watching
the movie was pretty interesting – at times we
could see how drivers would park in really dumb places in the city, or
drive
through zebra crossings when pedestrians were trying to cross, all
things that
you see here regularly. I guess we
just forgot that people back home aren’t immune from doing stupid
things
either.”
Can A Fluorescent Tube Still Be a Light "Bulb"? – Debate is
raging across America about whether tube-like fluorescent light “bulbs”
should
in fact be referred to by other names more accurate in describing their
true
tube-like shape. General Electric
is considering adopting the term “glow tube”, while Philips has applied
“light
rod” for copyright protection. “We
feel that a bulb should be pear- or onion-shaped,” says GE spokesman
John
Whelcher, “or like a tulip bulb.
That is why light bulbs are called that. Hey,
that’s right – we could call it a glow onion instead of
a light bulb!”
Pocket Mirror Urban Myths Multiply – In the land that created
the urban
myth comes a whole new genre of urban myths: pocket mirrors! The ubiquitous folding pocket mirror is
mandatory life equiptment for anyone under thirty and most over thirty
and
being unable to look at your reflection in the mirror is a fate worse
than
being dragged naked through the streets.
But with a new rash of urban myths to accompany its use, more
and more
fashionable young women and men are finding themselves reluctant to
even use
them. Among the myths are the one
where the train bumps and shatters the mirror, the girl scarred for
life; the
stigma of rumors that girls who use mirrors are ugly under their
make-up; or a
girl sees ghosts in mirror, imagines "debu" and "busu" on
the posters behind her... “A
friend of mine says she knew someone whose face was totally scarred
after a
mishap on the Midosuji line,” claims trendy chick Mari Matsuhara. “And once I was looking in the mirror
and I saw this hairy gaijin staring at me making faces!! It was horrible.”
Local Gaijin Doesn't Know Who Sam and Dave Are, Lawson Are –
John
Forbeson, a recently arrived expat English teacher, has found himself
the
laughing stock of the local gaijin community by displaying his
ignorance of
local lore. Forbeson, a recent
graduate of Yale University psychology department, has only been here a
week
and is ready to admit that he is a little out of it.
“Ok, sure I’m a little out of it,” Forbeson told reporters,
“but all I did was ask a guy I met in my first night here in the gaijin
mansion
who Lawson is. I mean, I keep
hearing about this guy Lawson, and I really wanna know who the hell
this guy
is. Ditto for Sam and Dave.
The only Sam and Dave I know are the
singing guys, but people keep talking about Sam and Dave as if they are
alive. Like everybody seems to be
friends with these Sam and Dave fellows and are always talking about
going over
to their house. ‘Let’s go over to
“Sam and Dave’s” tonight,’ I keep hearing. I
just don’t get it.”
Man Suffers From Reverse Deja-vu – John Wilkinson,
para-anthropologist,
believes he has coined a new phrase in the term “reverse deja-vu.” He also believes he himself is
suffering from it. The condition,
previously unknown to scientists, afflicts nearly ever single living
human
being claims Wilkinson, who recently held a press conference to explain
the
term. “Reverse deja-vu can take
many forms,” explains Wilkinson, “and it is safe to say that every
living
person suffers from it. One form
is the condition of someone experiencing a situation that is new and
seems
unfamiliar. Another form is a
situation in which a person experiences a new situation that doesn’t
seem
familiar, yet they suffer the lingering suspicion that it should! A final form is undefined at this
moment, but I believe that I will be able to pin it down if I can get
over this
lingering feeling of malaise. The
main thing is, however, that once we have isolated the condition
itself, we can
begin to start looking for a cure.”
Notoble figures from many different fields of pseudo-science
have teamed
up in renouncing Wilkinson’s findings as “preposterous.”
Kiefer
Sutherland Signed For Canadian Remake of Vanilla Sky – Just weeks before
filming is
due to start on the Canadian remake of Cameron Crowe’s recent
masterpiece
Vanilla Sky, Canadian production company Manic Maritime Productions has
announced that it has signed Canadian acting star Keifer Sutherland,
son of
Donald and former fiancée of Julia Roberts, to play the main role. Mr. Sutherland, who just barely beat
out fellow Canadian actors Keanu Reeves and Michael J. Fox for the
role, was
pleased with the studio’s choice.
“Vanilla Sky was a great film,” said Sutherland, “and I can’t
wait to
see it get the Canadian treatment.
I think that we in the great white north have a lot to add to
the field
of manipulative film, and I believe that our director, Mr. Norman
Jewison, is
just the man to do the job. Margot
Kidder will be great in the Penelope Cruz role, and Sarah Polley in the
Cameron
Diaz role. Great. Great. Great. And
lucky me, making a human sandwich with the two of them!”
Secret Identity Crisis – Superman is apparently having a secret
identity
crisis. “I don’t want to be Clark
Kent any more. How can anybody
believe that a meek reporter can be so totally musclebound. All those fake situations where I have
to protect my secret identity – puh-leeeze!”
Batman is also having a secret identity crisis.
“I don’t get it, why can’t I be a
multi-millionaire and wear a mask at the same time?!” All around the world, the most famous
super heroes are suffering identity crises. The
crisis could become a disaster if our superheroes are in
no physical condition to protect us from super-villains, who don’t
appear to be suffering from similar crises of their own.
“It is bad enough when a person has a
mid-life crisis or regular identity crisis,” explains famed
psychologist Viktor
Von Doom, “but it is worse when a super-member is involved. It is obvious that these heroes should
do what Thor did – just abandon his Blake Edwards lame and meek doctor
secret
identity and be himself. Even the
Hulk, that split personality freak, managed to do it for a while. Bruce… Clark… I urge you to let go of
your inner geek and just be your real selves.” Superman,
Batman, and all other superbeings suffering secret
identity crises are urged to call 1-800-JERKOFFS, or check www.jerkoffs.com for more
information.
Full Service SSS Parlor Opens To Incredible Success – Last
month, a new
chain of nation-wide shit/shower/shave parlors opened to resounding
success,
mass response, and great critical acclaim. The
parlors, which feature a young female staff, have taken
their inspiration from the old-style service of old Japanese
traditional SSS
inns, yet revamped the atmosphere by piping in pachinko sounds,
amphetamine-vapors, and offering everything at low costs.
“The new SSS parlor is in the spirit of
deflation where customers are offered more and at lower prices,” says
SSSy-land
manager Marihito Yoshitomiyaga.
“It also demands that the staff bend further backwards and take
lower
pay, have less job security, and a dimmer view of the future. We have been greatly inspired by other
chains that have had similar successes using the same techniques.”
Okayama's Only SSS Parlor Closes After 30 Years – After over
thirty
years of offering Okayama residents a vigorous shit/shower/shave
service,
Okayama’s last SSS parlor closes. The
Matsuya SSS Salon, run by aging brothers Morihito and
Matsuhito Matsuya, has been the favorite morning hangout of such famous
Okayama
residents as Yoshifumi Norihige, Ashitasa Matsuyama, and Morinami
Nanahoto, all
deceased members of the legendary Nanadana-wowwow comedy troupe, now
disbanded. “The Matsuya was a
little run down,” says former regular Yoshinori Makifumi, retired
plumber (74),
“but it had a lot of heart. Mori
and Matsu were like brothers to me.
I don’t even know how to SSS properly myself any more,”
Morinama-kun
said, sniffing in self-pity.
Closing Credits Completely Unintelligible – Viewers of the
closing
credits of many of last year’s video releases have found the closing
credits
completely unintelligible. The
credits, which include important information about the production of
the films,
is so small as to appear completely grainy and are nearly impossible to
make
out. “Like, I wanted to see who
the gaffer of ‘Donnie Darko’ was,” says Osaka resident, language
teacher, and
video enthusiast Frank Hendricks.
“I used to work on films in Vancouver as a gaffer myself, and I
really
like John Stretholm’s work a lot, and I thought I recognized it in
Donnie
Darko, which really surprised me, because I thought John was working on
‘Boys
Don’t Cry’ around the time that ‘Donnie Darko’ was being filmed. But I couldn’t make it out in the
credits. It makes me wish I had
splurged and seen DD in the theaters, there it would have been easier
to make
out. This happens all the
time. I always want to know who
does the songs I hear in the soundtrack, but it is so hard to make
anything
out, I wonder why I even bother.”
Hundreds of Reviewers Take M:I-2 Seriously – Entertainment
industry
watchers were amused last year as they watched hundreds of film
reviewers outdo
themselves in trying to find something praiseworthy of the ridiculous
chop-socky action sequel “Mission Impossible 2” seriously.
The astoundingly ridiculous sequel to a
poorly manufactured hack remake of a mediocre film series is not only
one of
the most unnecessary sequels of all time, it is also possible one of
the worst
films ever. “Film reviewers were
bending over backwards trying to find good things to say about it,”
explains
film criticism watchdog Penelope Dengles, chairman and chief executive
of www.whocritiquesthethecritics.com,
“telling readers which points it improved on the first film which,
let’s face
it, had been over-made by a director who is overrated at best, a
tiresome
cornball hoax of a movie. Their
main point was obviously the director of the film, John Woo, who up
until that
point had a pretty good track record.
Most people didn’t even realize what a stinker it was and
actually went
and sat through two hours of horrible garbage. I
mean it had all the same corny masks, the stupid cliff
scene at the beginning, and those barfy Tom Cruise round kicks? He is so obviously not a
champion kick boxer. Amazing that
the guy took the film so seriously that it went way beyond the shooting
schedule with Tom fine-tuning the film infinitely like he was Stanley
Kubrick
himself. Imagine Kubrick working
on the Mission Impossible sequel?
Hilarious. And the funny
thing is that I think most of those critics were actually convinced
themselves
that the movie had some merit to it.
I wasn’t fooled myself – I took my two bucks and saw Charlie’s
Angels. Now that was a
movie that didn’t take itself too seriously and at least had some
entertainment value.”
Massive Class Action Suit Aimed At Big Auto, Insider Blows Whistle
on Second
Hand Auto Exhaust – A new generation of litigators is consolidating
their
positions as legal teams all over the world get set to take on big auto. After the earlier successes against big
tobacco, lawyers are licking their lips following the revelations of
whistle
blower Michael Graves who has come forward to admit in true confidence
that he
had knowledge that auto industry executives were aware of the harm that
could
be caused by automobiles to innocent users and by-standers. “The havoc that a single car can wreak
is quite significant,” states Greaves, “from mere maiming, to
decapitation, to
the death of entire families, sports teams, bridge circles. A car does not even discriminate in the
age of its victims, from the unborn to the centenarians; from film
stars like
James Dean who wanted to die, to buxom beauties like Jayne Mansfield
and Grace
Kelly who wanted to live. And look
at the reluctance the car manufacturers had in installing mandatory
seatbelts
and air cushions? Now, cars are
destructive enough on their own, imagine the effects of multiplying
them by the
millions – millions, billions of cars cruising the earth looking for
trouble. And that’s not even getting into
the
factor of second hand auto exhaust.
No, we are talking about claims worth trillions of dollars. No, more than that, more like… hey,
what’s bigger than a trillion anyway?”
Newsweek Sheepishly Admits To Being Running Dog Of The Capitalist
Ruling
Class – In response to accusations launched at Newsweek that it was
funning
dog of the polluting industrialist capitalist ruling class, following
its cover
story claiming that government-sponsored “scientific” studies debunking
the
Global Warming Effect, Newsweek this weeks has made statements
admitting that
it was, in fact, a running dog of the capitalist ruling class. “We tried to deny it for some time,”
says Newsweek spokesman Jim Brady, “because nobody likes to admit that
they are
a running dog of anything, but with the sheepish byline saying kind of,
like
‘aw shucks, we thought the globe was warming but it looks like the
government
was right not to cut down on greenhouse gasses and keep right on
polluting’
saying exactly what the Bush Junior administration wanted us to say, it
was
pretty hard to deny. So, well, now
what?”
Is Anjelina Jolie The New Demi Moore? – Tabloid journalists have
recently begun to observe a peaking and slight fall in the career of
super
starlet Angeline Jolie and have begun to wonder – is Angeline the new
Demi
Moore? Moore, who was the sassy
pouty toast of Hollywood with her five-star husband and long string of
hits,
despite her plain Jane appearance, is now barely remembered after a
divorce and
an even longer series of flops left her career floundering and has seen
her
take a more active role in producing films instead of starring in them. Is the same in the cards for
Angeline? “Angeline is a lucky
girl who was in some good movies,” says film insider Sandra Mulhaven,
“but that
can’t go on forever and there are already a few stinkers in the cards
like
‘Tomb Raider’ and others. Then
there is all the slutty hijinx and creep incest situations. But on the other hand, I can see Angeline
making a really great producer.
She knows tons of people, she is brash, and I’m sure she will
have a lot
of fun seeing the casting couch from the position of authority.”
It's Actually Vancouver, But It's Supposed To Be (fill in the blank)
–
In movie after movie, proud Vancouverites have been able to recognize
their
city. And even if the film is
supposed to be set in Piladelphia or New York or Boston or Beirut,
Vancouverites are still proud to see their city immortalized in film. “I was watching a Bruce Willis film the
other day,” says Gastown resident Phylliss Brush, “and I saw my
apartment! I couldn’t believe it. And then this Jackie Chan film that was
supposed to be set in the Bronx, well that was done right outside of my
old
high school. And the place where I
used to work was in that stupid Sandra Bullock film set in Phyladelphia
– as if
there are Rocky Mountains ringing Philly!
Oh, and in the same movie, among the extras, you can see local
musician
and punk legend Steven Spargman. I
love that guy. I even knew him
before he was a junky. Nice guy…
but don’t lend him any money.”
America Barred From the A-10 Group of Nations, Creates Own A-1 Group
of
Nations – The United States of America, after being barred from the
A-10
group of industrial nations for continuing its programs of civic
incarceration,
nuclear expansion, deadly Star Wars missile defense shield operations,
chemical
weapons storage, land-mine production, and other activities of a rogue
state,
has announced that it will create its own A-1 group of industrialized
nation. It will allow other
nations to join the group if those nations are willing to reflect
American
foreign policy and military commitments unconditionally.
Although other nations might be part of
the A-1 group of industrialized nation, the name will not change
because the
name A-1 “sounds mighty.” “We like
the name A-1, it means the best,” says White House spokesman, “and it
is
important that allies should act as one.
After all, if you are not with us, then you are against us. And if you are against us, then you are
not with us.”
Time Warp Ballistic Defense Shield Already On The Drawing Board
– Time
travel theorists have pressed the Pentagon to move ahead quickly with
its plans
to build a time warp ballistic defense shield. The
plans for such a shield, which would shield America and
its allies from nuclear attack from the future via ICBMs send back in
time from
a future enemy state, are already on the drawing board sources say. “The idea of time travel is not so
preposterous,” claims theorist Egon Hedrowits, “it has been theorized
by such
geniuses as Albert Einstein, Phillip K. Dick, and James Cameron, and
there is
no reason it should not be true.
The future is eternal and at some point we will have the ability
to
travel back in time, whether naked or not as in the Terminator series
of
films. Some future totalitarian
state may wish to wipe us out of existence, nip us in the bud
so-to-speak. Which is why we should always
be on
alert, not just of present enemies, but of future foes as well. I think the Pentagon is doing a great
job of addressing this issue. And
I am glad we got the funding we needed.
Thank you General Ripper!”
U.S. Ambassador Doesn't Return
Micronesian Ambassador's Calls, Despite Support In Critical U.N. Vote
–
John Amos, Micronesian ambassador to the U.N., is obviously unsettled. His claims that U.S. ambassador to the
U.N. John Sildon will not return his calls have left him disturbed and
agitated. Amos claims that Sildon,
who had been friendly with Amos at one time, now treats him like a
stranger. “I remember when there
was the vote for ratifying that ‘nuclear weapons in space ban’ thing a
couple
of years ago. The whole world was all for ratifying it, but we decided
to throw
out lot in with the U.S. and Israel to oppose it and block its
unanimous
passage. I mean, who knows – maybe
one day Micronesia will have a need to send nuclear materials into
space for
some reason, right? Well, I
thought at that time John, the other John, and I were pretty close. He told me how much he hoped we would
vote his way, and a friend is a friend – we did. But
now I really need his support on this fishing thing, and
the guy never returns our calls either.
I wonder what gives, huh…?”
River Cruises To Styx Non-Refundable – Thanotos tours has
announced last
week that the river cruise tour packages bookings it has taken for
travels on
the river Styx (sometimes called Stynx) are actually non-refundable. Additionally, the tours will not be
return trips, as initially advertised, but one-way.
Upon paying the ferryman, return trips can be arranged from
the other side. Travel industry
critics have spoken out against the irregularity of this arrangement,
but
Thanatos Tours has defended its conditions by stating that the rare
opportunity
of visiting one of the most exotic travel locations of all requires the
imposition of such irregular conditions, and apologizes for the
inconvenience
caused.
Is Sarah Brightman Actually A Vampire? – Gossip journalists in
London
and New York have begun a new round of gossip on creepy composer Andrew
Lloyd
Weber’s favorite diva Sarah Brightman.
Reflecting on the nocturnal lifestyle that her profession
encourages and
the pasty condition of her skin, as well as the creepy photos of the
reclusive
diva and the bizarre gothic fashion sense she attains, many wonder if
she is in
fact a vampire as some have claimed.
“Many people wonder how this sort of claim can be taken
seriously, but
you only need to take a look at an album cover before those doubts
begin to
shrink,” says gossip journalist Kevin Taylor. “I
mean look at that face – that overbite. Kinda
scary, isn’t it?”
Grateful Dead Fan Also Into Reggae – John Simmons is a
“Deadhead,” or
fan of the Grateful Dead. Despite
loving the songs of Jerry Garcia so very much, Simmons also admits that
he
likes reggae. “I like the
Dead. Reggae is great too,” says
Simmons. “Yeah, reggae and the
Dead, cool stuff.”
Country Station Accidentally Plays Grateful Dead Song – WTRY, a
country
station in Atlanta, Georgia, last week accidentally found itself
playing a song
by hippy rock band the Grateful Dead.
The song, “Friend of the Devil” was easily mistaken for a
country song,
and the oversight was unplanned and accidental, say station programmers
Garry
Lofts and Stan Freeway. “I had
never heard the song before,” claims Loffts, “but I thought it had a
nice sort
of Waylon Jennings sound to it.
The lyrics are pretty typical country. I
didn’t see anything wrong with playing it. Shoot,
we’d play more of that band, if
our fans would let us. They have
heard of the Dead before and heard about hippies going around the
country
seeing them and they sure hate anything associated with the hippies, so
it
wouldn’t be prudent for us to list it.
Damn shame, if you ask me, but we have to respond to the wishes
of our
listeners, do bye-bye Jerry (Garcia), we hadly knew ya.”
New
Tobacco Law Requires 100% of Ad to Be Health Warning, Corporate Name
May Not
Appear
– Canada
and several Scandinavian countries are silmultaneously trying to pass
new
tobacco advertising legislation that will require 100% of all tobacco
ads to be
health warnings. The ads, which
must be white and which may not show the name of the company paying for
the
advertising, may or may not show gruesome pictures of cancer-laden body
parts,
blackened lungs, or babies with low fetal weight. “We
believe that people aren’t really getting the message,”
says Swedish legislator Sven Svenson.
“People still puff away.
From now on we will ask the tobacco companies to put a bit of
money back
into publishing for no benefit but to reduce their clientele. I’m sure such a clientele will always
exist, mind you. I smoke
myself. But we need to increase
the stakes here – it’s all or nothing.
Winner takes it all.”
Chicken
Breast In Suspended Animation For Over Twenty Years – Mary Robins, wife
and mother of four,
last week discovered a chicken breast that had lain in suspended
animation in
her family freezer for over twenty years.
The chicken breast, was revived and eaten by the family,
although with some
reluctance on the part of Mrs. Robins.
“We were buying a new big freezer trough, to replace the old one
we
bought twenty years ago,” explains Mrs. Robins, “and I threw in a bunch
of
chicken that I had bought on sail at Loblaws. I
remember it specificially because it was the first thing I
bought for the freezer and those chicken breasts looked so tiny at the
bottom
of that huge tough. Then years
went by and it filled up. Now
twenty chicken lifetimes later this chicken breast is revived and
ultimately
eaten. It tasted pretty horrible,
actually. But then again, that is
probably because I bought it on special.”
“Cafe
Fresh” Now Totally Run Down
– Diners at the popular local kissaten “Café Fresh” have begun to
comment over
the years that it is starting to look a little run down.
The café, which opened in 1972, has
been serving waffles and coffee and mini-pizzas for thirty years to
dozens of
aging, loyal customers. “Café Fresh
was a part of my high school life,” says regular Matsuhiro Masatoshi,
“and it
holds plenty of memories. But
these days I guess it’s looking a little run down.
The manga on the racks are falling all over the space, the
aisle is getting narrower and narrower, the carpet is kind of beaten
up, the counter
is permanently stained, and the paintings and ornaments on the walls
look kind
of fossilized. The mirror in the
back of the bar no longer reflects properly even! I
think the front needs a facelift, and the plastic food in
the glass case outside also looks pretty revolting.
I only noticed it was still there a few weeks ago – it’s
already become part of the landscape, so to speak.
I took a look in it and the plastic food looks pretty
unappealing. If I was just walking
past here and didn’t know what a great place it is, I probably wouldn’t
want to
come in, I guess.” Passersbys in
the street, when asked, also admitted their reluctance to eat in a
place that
looks as run-down as Café Fresh, and couldn’t be enticed in even with
warm
welcomes and greetings.
Coke
Dealer Accidentally Snorts Anthrax – Coke dealer Johny Toothsome
was rushed to an emergency
medical center last week as he mistakenly snorted a dose of anthrax,
thinking
it was in face cocaine. Toothsome
died of convulsions an hour later.
The anthrax, which appeared and mysteriously disappeared on the
American
health scene a few years ago, is believed to be the same anthrax that a
tabloid
journalist in Florida snorted when he became the first victim of
anthrax.
Time
Magazine's Experiment in Tasteless Humor Comes To Hasty End – Avid readers and
news addicts
breathed a sigh of relief when it was noted that Time Magazine had
ended its
experiment in tasteless humor. The
magazine, which wrote quirky photo blurbs, and had sarcastic features
such as “winners
and losers,” “quote of the week,” and other weak attempts at witless
humor,
finally gave up the approach and went back to reporting what it
perceived as
hard news. “Time was never a good
source for information,” says news hound John Stelmore, “more like a
photo
journal more than anything else and a barometer of what shallow
middle-class
white-collar workers back home were interested in understanding, but it
was
particularly grating when Time tried to be hip by trying to be funny. The ‘humor’ never worked – oh, no, I do
remember on instance when they had something funny – so it was a laugh
just
seeing how un-funny they would be.
I mean here is an organization with more resources than any
other print
news source, and they actually let crap humor get through?
I picture editors in tweed, suede
shoes, nodding to themselves ‘yep, that seems hip to me.’
I mean, they called Tom Cruise a loser
for being short, they called Jimmy Buffet a loser for surviving a plane
crash,
they even called Adolf Hitler a loser.
What was the point? And
then they called a 500 pound sumo wrestler a loser – I’d like to see
someone do
that to his face. And it didn’t
even have to be the off-the-cuff stuff – like they would write serious
reviews
of Eminem and Linkin Park recordings.
Who’s going to read Time to find out what the new Eminem release
sounds
like? No, I’m glad that this
experiment in hip humor is over.
It was pretty cardboard, man, like as much fun as eating
it, man.”
Hollywood
Pondering its Response to the September 11th Attacks – Nearly two years
following the
September 11th attacks, major studios and production
companies in
Hollywood are pondering the type of response to the terror attacks on
New York
and Virginia. The attacks, which
successfully carried through what Hollywood films have been speculating
for
years previously in the Bond films, Black Sunday, the Siege, and True
Lies, gave
many the feeling that they were living in a movie.
“There are three camps out there when it comes to drafting a
response to the attacks,” says successful Hollywood producer Phil
Keens, “one
of them says we should keep on
making films like True Lies and showing single dedicated men taking out
whole
teams of bad guys from the Middle East and averting destruction,
another camp
believes we should make more realistic films that reflect reality more
closely –
fear and paranoia hitting the streets, hate crimes on the rise, a whole
nation
rising as one up against an invisible foe taking out whole teams of bad
guys
from the Middle East and averting destruction. A
third camp believes that escapist fantasies tell of the
struggle in parable – the Matrix, the Lord of the Rings, it is all
about
catching Bin Laden and toppling Hussein from power.
Personally, I’m with the former people: I don’t think you
can get the film industry to stop making Bond films and movies like
True Lies
just as you can’t get the people to stop watching them, that is why
they are
such incredible money-makers. I
guess we’ll just have to see what Hollywood comes up with.
Japan
To Be Greenest Industrialized Nation of the Year 2020 as 95% of
Population
Migrates to Three Megalopoles – Sociologists have reported the
findings of new studies that
show that Japan is set to be the greenest industrialized nation on
earth be the
year 2020. In that year, they
estimate that nearly 95% of the Japanese population will live in the
industrial
sprawl between Tokyo and Osaka, with some pockets in Sapporo and
Fukuoka. “The face of Japan will change
completely if migratory trends continue at the rates they are,”
explains
sociologist Patricia Noir. “Nobody
will live in the countryside after the elder generations retired and
living
there die off, and nearly every town under a million inhabitants will
become a
ghost town. Japan will become
completely reliant on imported food once agricultural reforms proposed
by free traders
in the United States get their way in the government, and there will be
no need
for anybody to live in country areas that don’t have tourism. We believe that lawlessness might erupt in
the large expanses of unoccupied ‘ghost town’ territory, with the
possibility of
a new road warrior culture emerging – speed tribes of disaffected youth
controlling
and fighting over worthless territory of houses and towns gone to seed.
But the result is that a huge part of Japan
will revert to nature, with only a small part housing the whole
population and industry.
It is exciting to think of, isn’t it?”
North
American Diners Won’t Stop Sharing Food – After being away from his
native country
for over ten years, expat Canadian Peter Hoflich returned to his home
in Japan from
a visit to Canada wondering endlessly why North American diners won’t
stop
sharing their food in restaurants.
“I went out with several old friends when I was back,” explains
Hoflich,
“and it was always ‘do you want to try some of my entrée’ or ‘do you
want to
try this’ or ‘do you want to try that?’
Well, you can’t bloody well say no, so out come the knives and a
piece
gets cut off and put on your plate and you have to reciprocate whether
you want
to or not to save yourself from feeling like a jerk, but you just get
feeling
used instead, and there you have a big piece of barfy food you specifically
didn’t order because you don’t like that dish, and there goes half of
your
gorgeous piece of elk steak. Bummer,
eh? But when I think way way way
back, it was kind of like that in college too. When
I was dating.
And now I remember why I like living in countries where they
serve
communal dishes – a big plate in the middle of the table and people
taking from
it. Ah, Japan, I love you more and
more.”
USJ
Waterworld Attraction Doesn’t Help Water World Video Sales – Universal Studios
Japan
announced last week that although their Water World attraction has been
a
resounding success since the park’s opening over two years ago, its
success
hasn’t helped video sales of the troubled Kevin Costner action flick. The film, which depicts a world of
water with the tip of Mount Everest being the only dry land, is still
less popular
than even Mickey Rourke’s most annoying boxing movie or Jean Claude van
Damme’s
most ridiculous twin-based film.
“Everyone knows Waterworld sucked donkey dongs,” explains
entertainment
reporter Michael Jones, “even if they find the attraction itself
thrilling, so
we really aren’t fooling anyone. I
guess it just shows that expensive flops can still draw crowds. We were thinking of introducing a
Postman ride, based on Mr. Costner’s land-based version of Waterworld,
but we
figured that might be pushing our luck a bit…”
(News
that never happened – from the Head Cheese news time capsule) 2001 Movies Lack
Swank
– With films about
poverty-stricken drag queens, strung out junkies living on the street
in
winter, and transsexuals being beaten to death in the middle of
nowhere, nobody
could ever accuse the films of 2001 of having too much swank. In fact, this reporter wonders if they
have any at all. Where are the
Pretty Womans, where are the Breakfast At Tiffany’s, where are all the
other
films about happy hookers that have happy endings?
Give us Julia Roberts as a paid woman not as a secretary who
looks like one. Here’s praying
that some swank gets found by the time 2002 rolls around.
Of course, the films of tomorrow are
being made today, so if this stinky, dirt-stained atmosphere is all
that
penetrating, there can be little hope of a really great Elizabeth
Taylor
vehicle arriving any day soon.
(News
that never happened – from the Head Cheese news time capsule) Edward Bunny-Hands – Plans are afoot
for an unnamed
director to begin shooting a remake of “Edward Scissorhands” to be
titled
“Edward Bunnyhands.” Although Tim
Burton has sworn off of the project, superdirector James Cameron is
among the
directors being considered for the film.
“Why remake ‘Edward Scissorhands’ so soon?” opinionated and
outspoken
studio representative Edward Burton (no relation to Tim Burton) asks
rhetorically. “Well, the original
film was quite an influential movie at the time, but let’s face it – it
hasn’t
really stood up well over time and seems a bit silly, pretentious,
sentimental
nowadays. Even ‘Mars Attacks’ is
more watchable today. The new film
will be just like ‘Edward Scissorhands,’ but there will be much more
special
effects. Edward will have bunny
ears for hands instead of scissors, which cannot be shown on film since
the
World Trade Center attacks. There
will be cameos by dozens of famous Hollywood stars, a high energy
soundtrack,
plenty of gags, and a government/alien civilization conspiracy along
the lines
of the X-Files. Of course the real
villains will all be Middle Eastern terrorists. But
the heart of it will be faithful to the original. We
are hoping Mr. Cameron will agree to
direct – he hasn’t worked much since his last film, albeit that was the
largest
grossing film in the history of the world, so we hope this will be just
the
thing to bring him back into the swing of things. He
has promised to do the film if plans for Terminator 3
fall through. While it would be
good to have a franchise, many in Hollywood feel it would be better for
the
second film to be remade instead.
Terminator 2 was a smash hit at the time, but let’s face it – it
hasn’t
really stood up well over time and seems a bit silly, pretentious,
sentimental
nowadays. And the special effects
– phoooooneee! Even ‘True
Lies’ is more watchable today, especially considering, you know, the
World
Trade Center attacks.”
Why
Doesn’t Matsui Play For The New York Giants? – Japanese baseball
fans were shocked when
they learned that local baseball legend, Hideki Matsui of the Yomiuri
Giants,
was going to take up a new uniform – he was to become a New York Yankee. Although many were shocked that he
intended to leave Japan to play for the American major leagues, even
more were
shocked that he chose to play with the New York Yankees over the New
York
Giants. “Hide-kun is a giant
through and through, literally and figuratively,” explains lifelong
Yomiuri
Giants fan Matsuhikatayamada Masatoshiyori. “That
is why we nicknamed him ‘Godzilla.’ Look
at the guy – he’s over ten feet
tall! He’s not a Yankee, that’s
ridiculous – he’s Japanese, fer Chrissake!!!”
A
Powm
I
Wrote
some
Prose
But then
Reformated
it
To make
A poem
Head
Cheese 1
.
Head
Cheese 2
.
Head
Cheese
3 .
Head
Cheese
4 .
Head
Cheese
5 .
Head
Cheese
6 .
Head
Cheese
7 .
Head
Cheese
8 .
Head
Cheese 9 .
Head
Cheese 10
email: Peter Hoflich created April 30th, 2003
nobody down here but us counters
