Local News - Writer Gets All Of His Best Ideas When Naked;  Nervous Mother Sees Tissue Packets, Jumps to Wong Conclusion;  Tamagochi to Stand Trial For Murder;  Sonshitsu's Name Difficult to Read;  Hiragana, Katakana, or Kanji?  Reason for Mnemonic Device Forgotten;  Childless Couple Adopt Cat;  Foreigner With Jet-Black Hair Mistaken For Local;  Japanese With Unusual Features Mistaken For Foreigner;  Angry Mom: Autobiographical First Novel is a Pack of Lies!  Has Best Score on Proficiency Test, But Can't Speak a Lick;  SUV Gives Urban Dweller 9.5 Times The Horse Power He Needs;  Survey Says: All Japanese Would Happily Empty the Sea of All Marine Wildlife;  Abbreviated Abbreviated to Abbr. - like etc. more.
International News - Women's Magazine Article Actually Written By Man;  Moratorium on NAMBLA Jokes;  Man Has Name Nobody Can Remember;  Booby-Trapped MS Windows Crashes, Causes Breakup of Financial Empire;  Small Zine's "Sex Issue" Best-ever Seller; more.
Editorial - In the Future, We Will Fight Our Wars in the Virtual Realm;  Canadian Suffrage - Give Them the Vote;  My Name Means Pimple in Japanese.
Opinion - Common Sense: Vote For The Guy Without The Sweaty Pits, Mnemonic Device's Roots Forgotten.
Arts and Entertainment - Visual Kei Dead at Age 5;  Brittney Houston;  Hipster Mistakes Cover Version For Original;  Sweet Pop Group Remakes Gnarly Industrial Song/Gnarly Industrial Group Remakes Sweet Pop Song;  Mr. Shankly Asks, Morrissey Frankly Answers;  Entertainment Survey: Is Mel Gibson Really What Women Want?  Mariah Carey Faded and Wrinkled;  Propagandistic Film Displays Historical Inaccuracies 50 Years After The Fact;  Limp Bizzkit Rack Up The Superlatives; Movie Reviews: Seven Brides for Seven Sisters, Big Daddy, Unbreakable, Casting Couch - the Movie;  Chip and Dale Practically Indistinguishable;  Slasher Film Victim Goes On To Big Hollywood Career;  Johnny Depp Look-alike Has Big Career;  Thousands of Fans Believe Scream Victims Really Died;  News Magazine Aims Towards Adult Readers;  more.
Society - Internet courtesy - is there such a thing?  Hypocrisy: Inexcusable in Others.
Science and Technology - My Time Machine Will Take Us To Year 2002.
Business - Film Explosion of Product Placement Car Causes Sales to Plummet.
Features - Quotable Enough to Quote, He Said/He Said: love vs. love; Wieners and Loosers; Hissy Fit of the Weak, Letters to the Editor.

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Local News

Writer Gets All Of His Best Ideas When Naked - All writers have days when they don't get any ideas.  Similarly, they can be inspired anytime and anywhere.  Some writers get all of their inspirations at regular times or in regular locations such as on long walks, at the gym, while swimming, etc.  One writer even gets his inspiration while naked.  "It's kind of embarrassing," admits local writer John (who asked that his last name be protected), "but I get all my ideas when I'm naked.  It's not very convenient.  I might be taking a shower and suddenly be greeted by some amazing inspiration, but then by the time I've soaped, shampooed, towelled off, shaved, it's gone.  I've now got a waterproof whiteboard installed in the shower, it's a life saver.  But I still have problems, like when I'm having sex - my partner always has to put up with my sudden disappearance into the study to hack away at the keyboard.  No wonder I'm always single.  So I find that when I'm approaching a deadline and I'm stumped, I'll work at the keyboard au naturel, if you know what I mean."

Nervous Mother Sees Tissue Packets, Jumps to Wrong Conclusion - Yesterday in Asakusa, a young man was nearly kicked out of his home by his hysterical mother who had jumped to the wrong conclusion when finding a large amount of tissue packets in the young man's bedroom.  The tissue packets, which are distributed free in shopping arcades, are examples of paid advertising that are generally the resort of money loan organizations and hostess clubs.  "When I saw those tissue packets," explained Mrs. Ishimura Buriko, "I instantly became suspicious that my son had been frequenting those establishments, like going to the loan organizations to pay for wild nights in the hostess bars, which can cost a small fortune over time.  And the interest rate payments on those things are so high, we'd have huge bills that we could never pay off in our lifetimes.  And when I confronted him as to why he had those tissue packets he turned red and began stammering, trying to pretend that they weren't his.  I could tell he was guilty of something.  But I called those loan sharks and found out that they have never done business with him, now I feel a bit better.  I nearly had a nervous breakdown, though."  Mrs. Ishimura's son Isaii tells a similar story.  "My mom nearly went insane.  It was something nobody should see happen to his mother.  I wanted to tell her what I needed so many tissues for, but I think it would be even more embarrassing, so I just let her worry about the loan sharks, kept her from asking too many questions.  Yeesh."

Tamagochi to Stand Trial For Murder - A tamagochi toy, which was responsible for the death of its owner, will next week stand trial for second-degree murder.  Last week, as the toy was being manipulated by its owner Jane Szillowitz who was driving her BMW to work rushing to work on a crowded highway, a fatal car-crash occurred for which the tamagochi has been blamed.  "I intend to prove that this toy beeped and called out for food with murderous intent," says prosecuting attorney Bianca Silly.  "Her owner, the late Ms. Szillowitz, paid with her life for her kindness.  I'll see that this tamagochi gets the death penalty."  The toy, which is being kept alive under the care of prison guards who manipulate the buttons to feed the virtual pet at the right times, is expected to receive the death sentence if found guilty, at which time it will be neglected until it has died; its batteries will then be removed from its case and buried separately.

Sonshitsu's Name Difficult to Read - Sonshitsu corporation has one of the most difficult-to-read corporate names in Japan, especially when written in a stylized form as it is in the company logo.  "Sonshitsu," which is written with four similar-looking katakana characters, has sometimes been read "shintsuso," "sontsushi," or "shitsuson" by confused consumers.  "It's unfortunate that we decided to go with a katakana name instead of the kanji version," said marketing president Okatagadawaga Miu, "although we did anticipate problems of this sort - we just thought that they'd be smaller like most new corporations have with name recognition when they first start up.  What a dilemma."

Graffiti Artist Alters Japanese Names  - In an unusual take on the concept of graffiti, a subtle Osaka vandal has been using a clever eye and a few strokes to alter signs to take on rude meanings.  Often these signs will hang in their altered forms for months before business owners notice the change.  All over the Nanba area in south Osaka, signs that say Nanba have been slightly altered to say "nanpa," which is a Japanese slang term for "cruising chicks."  Similarly, the word "clinic" has been changed to "cleaning," and vice versa.  Family names like Yamaguchi have been altered with a few strokes to become Tanaka, while Kogawa has been turned into "Higashida."  "We hope we can catch this guy," says local law enforcement officer Sanda Jiro, "since messing with people's names is pretty low.  But that 'nanpa' thing is pretty funny actually, if you ask me.  That was just waiting to happen."

Hiragana, Katakana, or Kanji? - Foreign students of Japanese in Japan generally find one of the most difficult aspects of learning Japanese is the writing system - with three writing systems to keep track of, students are always eager to establish rules as to when each is used in order to distinguish them from one another.  One of the rules of thumb is that kanji/Chinese characters are used for place name and for certain nouns/verbs/adjectives, katakana is used for words of foreign origin, and hiragana is used for everything in between.  But these days even these rules are beginning to dissolve.  "A lot of times," explains Japanese student William Frederick, "I'll learn a word as a kanji, then later I'll see it written in hiragana, then later in katakana.  Then the opposite will happen.  Even words like 'Japan,' which I once thought was always written in Kanji since it's a place name, is sometimes written in hiragana or katakana.  And then words of foreign origin in Japanese like 'glass,' 'club,' or 'coffee' are written in kanji characters.  It doesn't make a lot of sense to me."  Department of Education officials as well as prominent figures in the print and television media have recently been hinting vaguely at a concentrated effort to mix the three forms specifically in order to confuse non-Japanese residents of Japan.  Among the results of this program, besides low Japanese aptitude in foreign residents of Japan, is acute sinus headaches experienced by second- and third-grade primary school students.

Foreigner With Jet-Black Hair Mistaken For Local - The most distinguishing feature of most of the expats living in Japan is size and hair color.  But what about foreigners who are not tall and have black hair?  John Partridge is just such a person - standing at 165 cm and with thick jet-black hair, he is often mistaken for a Japanese man, especially when he wears a dark blue suit and a trench coat on his way to work at a western trading firm in Osaka's business district.  Mr. Partridge explains that he is used to this sort of treatment.  "Back home a lot of people thought I looked like Kyle MacLachlan - you know, that guy who was in the Flintstones movie - except with thinner eyes; now here they think I'm Japanese.  Like I'll be buying the English paper, the lady will begin chatting with me in Japanese, I'll tell her in broken Japanese that I'm a foreigner and I can't speak Japanese, she'll chuckle and continue talking and talking, then after a while she'll actually notice for herself that I'm not Japanese and look at me funny and clam up.  Also happens in bars and restaurants with bartenders, waiters, and waitresses, actually."

Japanese With Unusual Features Mistaken For Foreigner - Mr. Kimchi Okajami has a high, arched nose, pale skin, sallow cheeks, and thin, light black, naturally wavy hair.  Because of this he is often mistaken for a foreigner.  As a result, whenever he encounters a foreigner they often nod their heads to him or perhaps attempt to strike up a conversation.  But since Mr. Kimchi has never learned how to speak English, these attempts are stymied by the inevitable language gap.  English-speaking foreigners often go off assuming that he is an Italian-, Romanian-, or even Farsi-speaking foreigner after they have given up trying to communicate with him.  "It's really frustrating, you know," complains Mr. Kimchi.  "All of my Japanese friends think that I have really typical features, there's no mixed ancestry in my family as I know of, I don't know why all of these foreigners think I'm one of them.  Still, it makes me wish I had studied English harder when I was in school..."

Gaijin Takes Acute Offense At The Term "Gaijin" - John Ketts, a gaijin English teacher, has begun a petition to bar the word "gaijin" from acceptable use in Japan.  With already over a thousand names on his petition, he intends to ask his Japanese girlfriend to present the petition to her local representative and ask him to take it to the Japanese diet in Tokyo.  "I've heard this term 'gaijin' from the day I got here, and it never fails to get on my nerves," explained Mr. Ketts.  It's been the root of some serious fights that have gotten me in a bit of trouble with my employer and the authorities as well.  It's not my fault, it's this racist word.  People tell me it simply means 'from other places,' like 'stranger' or 'foreigner,' but I know it has other sinister nuances - basically, in my book, it's racist.  Why can't people call me 'friend,' why do they have to emphasize that I'm a foreigner just because I was born in another country?  I can't help that.  And the term 'gai-koku-jin,' or 'gaijin-sama' or 'gai-koku-jin-sama,' all of these are just euphemisms for the problem.  I want them all barred.  And besides that, anybody who lets themselves be called a 'gaijin' without putting up a fight is just some kind of Uncle Tom."  Mr. Ketts conceded that he had no problem with the older terms "keto" and "ijin" for his kind of person and hopes that they will one day be reinstated in the popular language.

Woman Buys Fake Glasses To Wear Over Her Contacts - Shinjuku.  Hara Matsuge, a young OL on a break from her office, decided to buy a pair of glasses.  But what was special about these glasses was that the lenses were simply clear glass, or "fakes," necessary due to the fact that the woman was already wearing contact lenses to correct her vision.  Fakes are something that has become a hot new trendy item in Japan and other countries for women who want to adopt a more studious look but don't want to reveal the actual weakness of their vision.  "I think it's great that this trend has picked up in Japan recently," says Ms. Hara.  "Now women can wear glasses without shame, although lots of women still opt for fakes over the contacts instead of wearing their real glasses.  Actual glasses are usually reserved for late-evening wear, i.e. after brushing the teeth and before going to sleep.  But y'know, I think it's cool to see well-dressed, well made-up, fashionable young single women wearing glasses, perhaps for the first time ever, that I can remember.  It's nice to be able to appear intelligent as well as beautiful, you know, for a change.  Besides that, nowadays it's also a lot safer to wear glasses - in the past if a woman showed up wearing her glasses, for whatever reason, she'd be surrounded by the other women and slowly pecked to death like some sort of painted bird.  Even eye patches were less of a stigma than glasses at one time."

"Abbreviated" Abbreviated to Abbr. - Linguistic scholars in Cambridge English Bank have recently announced plans to shorten the word abbreviate, as part of an ongoing renovation of the English language.  Beginning next year, it will be considered grammatically correct to write the word simply as 'abbv.'  Some say that the change, which is expected to be phased in over the next 200 years, has been long overdue.  "It is ridiculous that a word which means 'to shorten' should be so long, it's just unnecessary," English Bank head councilor Edwin Squire reported.  "We forsee that people will start off writing it as 'abbv' but still pronouncing it 'abbreviate,' similar to the word 'etc.' which is always pronounced 'et cetera' and never 'etss.'  But who knows, perhaps at the end of the trial 200 years from now people will be happy to say 'abbv' and not just spell it that way.

SUV Gives Urban Dweller 9.5 Times The Horse Power He Needs - A hulking SUV recently purchased has given local salaryman Benihana Ohutokyo about 9.5 times the horse power he needs.  Mr. Benihana, obviously drunk with power, could be seen speeding through the tight streets of his downtown neighborhood most nights last week, as he feels the engine roar and surge like a thing alive.  The new beast-like truck has also given his wife another reason to be bitter, as she waits in vain for him to come home dressed in an apron just ready to serve the breadwinner his meal, because Mr. Benihana often just jumps right into the truck after he comes home from working overtime at his job and doesn't come home until after midnight.  "I don't care if it eats fuel," explains Mr. Benihana, "what I spend in a day really only amounts to what I earn in a single hour at work.  And I work all the time, so who's going to deprive me of my only pleasure."

Time Magazine Cover Urges Us Stop Caring About AIDS - In an unprecedented move on the part of a news magazine, Time Magazine recently urged anyone who read the cover of their recent issue on the damage done by the AIDS plague in Africa, where men, women, and children are dying of the pitiless disease.  "I may be wrong," says Time reader John Williamssen, "but when they say 'try not to care,' I think they really want us to stop caring.  It doesn't make much sense to me, those people look like they're suffering mightily."

Survey Says: All Japanese Would Happily Empty the Sea of All Marine Wildlife - A recent survey of Japanese consumers revealed a huge surprise - that most Japanese would happily empty the seas of all marine wildlife.  The question was phrased "do you support whaling as an industry in defiance of the scorn of the rest of the world that shakes it's finger at poor little Japan, those hypocrites?"  Nearly every Japanese person asked responded in the affirmative, proving what the rest of the world knew all along that sushi-lovers have no vision of the future and will happily eat anything and everything that lives in the sea until there is nothing left.  "I'll hand over my chopsticks when they pry them out of my cold, dead fingers," says sushi lover Iichiko Yoshirou.  Truly a country that believes in the term "after me the deluge."

Complaining English Teacher Shuts Up When Asked If He Remembers Any Of His High School French - John Smith, irate over his high school students' complete inability to learn a single English phrase despite excellent materials, native teachers, and high repetition, stopped his complaining instantly when asked by a colleague if he remembers any of the French he learned in high school.  Smith, who never learned a lick of French in seven years of study, seemed able to empathize perfectly with his students once his co-worker brought his way of thinking around and gave him some perspective.  With his head on straight, Smith found it much easier to go through the motions of teaching a foreign language to disinterested students, learned to stop taking things personal, and has since been sleeping much easier.

Angry Mom: Autobiographical First Novel is a Pack of Lies! - Luisa French is not a happy camper.  Ever since her son's "semi-autobiographical" first novel was published, she has been irate, suicidal, homicidal, and continually on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  "A pack of lies," Missy French told reporters.  John French's newly published novel "Lies My Mother Told Me" focuses on a young man, raised by a hysterical single who is often stunned into silence by his mother's vicious psychological abuse.  A string of boyfriends and step-fathers sexually assaulted the boy, forced him into a drug and alcohol habit, and eventually a life of petty crime.  "I have been living with that novel inside my head since the day I entered rehab," says John French, "it just had to come out.  But, you know, it's all fiction.  The guy may seem like me, but really, um, well, we're pretty different.  A lot of the stuff in the novel never happened to me.  You know."  Missy French has more to say: "It's a pack of lies.  None of that stuff happened to him.  I was a good mother to him.  A good mother!"  If Missy and John French are correct, and the tale is fiction, then of course it would be a pack of lies if someone thought that it was supposed to be true.

Has Top Scores on Proficiency Test, But Can't Speak a Lick - John has scored in the top percentage in nearly every Japanese test he has ever taken, even won scholarships and grants.  But John Mould also has a little secret - he actually can't speak a word of Japanese.  John is only the most recent person to come forward to the Language Dyslexia Anonymous for help in admitting that he has advaned far beyond his abilities in the Japanese language.  "I finally couldn't stand it any more," John, who has asked that his family name be kept secret, told reporters, "just studying and memorizing answers.  It's good to have the certifications, but I wish I could actually speak the language.  What have I been wasting my time on all these years?"  John hopes some day to be able to do more than just order a beer in Japanese.

Freaky Childless Families That Want Clones Actually Clones Themselves! - Before the invention of human cloning, the term was always thought to refer to the asexual reproduction of organisms that are capable of binary fission.  Now that human cloning is a common procedure, sociologists have begun to speculate that freaky childless families who want clones of themselves to raise them as their "children" are probably actually clones themselves.  "One of the first thing we discovered about clones is that they are usually sterile," says clone researcher Smilla Smillassen.  "So sterile people who want babies get clones - see the connection?"  Sociologists further speculate that if the clones ever felt threatened by non-clones, they might start getting rid of them.  At first in secret, then eventually through institutionalized genocide.  And natural reproduction will no longer be possible by anyone, just all these clones walking around.  Weird, huh?  Clone advocates, however, are quick to criticize the twisted logic that the sociologists have stumbled upon.  "Clones are just people, they want to live like all the rest of us," says Clones For The Future president Phil Self, "they are not hostile.  We believe that clones are natural and correct, and one day when humans are more highly evolved I believe that we will have the ability to clone at will, that is to just suddenly split into two, three selves, anytime and anywhere.  It will be happening all over the place - in trains, in cars, in classrooms, at board meetings, any old place.  Cool, huh?"
 

International News

Man Has Name Nobody Can Remember - Jean Chretien may be the president of one of the world's most respectable arctic nations, but unfortunately he has the name that nobody can remember.  When polled as to whether they knew the name of Canada's president, or if the name Jean Chretien rang a bell, over 99% of non-Canadians answered in the negative.  Even after being told the leader's name repeatedly, those polled were unable to recall his name when callback tests were conducted less than a month later.  "I think Canada needs to put out big ads on NBC or something," said John Woodward, of Gainesville, Texas.  "How can I remember the name of the Prime Minister of Canada if I can't even remember my own cell phone number?"

Women's Magazine Article Actually Written By Man - When Nifty Girl magazine decided it should publish Pat Sterling's sexy article "Oral Sex - it's the best," they thought that the article would be a definite sales-booster.  They also assumed that Pat Sterling was a woman since the article, which claims to demystify some of the mistaken beliefs about the most awkward of sexual acts, was written by a woman.  What they only learned after publication day was that "Pat Sterling" is in fact a pen-name for Patrick Dylan.  "If you think about it, it's pretty crude," says Nifty Girl editor Bonni Belle, "this guy trying to convince girls that giving head is fun.  Like he's promoting a cause.  What a jerk."  The article, which explains oral sex techniques in some detail, has quotes from sexy mid-twenties women speaking enthusiastically about the practice - the writer has now reluctantly admitted that these quotes were all made-up.  "These quotes were re-creations of things that I believe I have heard women say over the years, so there was no true falsifying of information here, I believe.  I am convinced that I wasn't doing anything wrong, receiving oral sex is a wonderful thing, and if I was in a position I would love to have the opportunity to make somebody that happy, except... well... I'm not gay."  Other readers of the magazine have different views on the controversial article.  "I was ripped off - I bought the magazine thinking that it was about getting oral sex from your boyfriend," says Nifty Girl reader Helen Spears.  "Now I know that will never happen."

Booby-Trapped Operating System Crashes, Causes Breakup of Financial Empire - Everybody has had their OS crash; but for every thousand crashes there is a serious crash; and from every thousand serious crashes there is a very serious crash; and for every thousand very serious crashes there is a mega-crash.  This is what happened last week in the head offices of William Boron, the head of the influential McCash financial empire.  "We never thought that a simple operating system could just crash and wipe out all of our records," Mr. Boron told reporters.  "We're now looking for evidence that it was booby-trapped - we're certain that it was a set-up, either by one of our rivals, or perhaps even the software maker itself."  Police have not been involved in the investigation, although several burly men in turtle-neck sweaters have been seen going in and out of the headquarters building.

Small Zine's "Sex Issue" Best-ever Seller - Nobody at Out Of Stock zine thought that their new Sex Issue to be their best-selling issue ever, but within a week they had emptied the shelves of their new issue and were truly "out of stock" of their zines for the first time ever.  "I guess sex really does sell," said OOS publisher John Wendtham, "we always thought it was a cliche but now we know it's true.  Wow, did it ever sell!  Now maybe somebody will see our ads for our back issues so that we can clear those out of the office."  Out of Stock's Sex Issue, which follows the zine tradition of putting out a special issue on a single theme such as sex or celebrity, deals with topics such as strangest sexual experience, nearest brush with celebrity sex, various definitions of the term "starfucker," oddest sex toy, sexy vending machines, sexual cannibalism, and other interesting topics.

Submarine Ramming Incident Raises Headlines All Over The World - The training-boat ramming incident that occurred in Hawaii earlier this year, though largely ignored by the world press, has nevertheless has sparked some headlines in some of the smaller newspapers.  Among them are "Nuclear Submarines Useless Except To Kill Foreign Civilians In Peacetime," "America: the New Rogue State?" "Submarine Party Spoiled By Pesky Gnat-like Foreign Training Boat", and "US Military Moves Anti-Japanese Troops From Okinawa To Hawaii."  All newspapers have later printed apologies for the seemingly hateful nature of these headlines.

Childless Couple Adopt Cat - Every year many childless couples begin to ponder their options as they realize that they are getting up in years, and medical technology is granting such people more and more options with the development of in-vitro fertilization, cloning, grafting, and ovarian fission.  But one couple in Maine, Alabama has come up with a cheap and novel solution to their problem - they have adopted a cat.  "We always liked our cat Fluffy," explains the proud parent John Jillian, "and we worried what would happen to him if there were ever the patter of little feet there to compete with him.  Would he have his eyes scratched out by a new baby, get swung around by the tail, what?  Well, when Beth found out that she couldn't carry a child, we decided the only thing we could do was adopt.  Our eyes wandered the room and rested on Fluffy.  And the answer was obvious - it had been right under our noses all along."  The Jillians have given Fluffy their last name, taken out health insurance on him, and intend to put him through training school.  Fluffy Jillian is also named as their sole heir in their will.
 

Editorial

Canadian Suffrage - Give Them the Vote! - One of the most contentious issues raised by the last U.S. election was not actually loopholes in the voting process that allowed a candidate with a lower number of popular votes to win, but rather the prickly issue of the exclusion of Canadians from the U.S. presidential election process.  Canadians, who are in fact no different from Americans, have many aspects of their lives shaped by events that take place "south of the border" from them, yet have no voice in the choice of a new president, senator, or even congressman.  Remember "no taxation without representation?"  Well, it is a sad fact that import duties levied on Canadian goods are no more than a form of just that.  Canadians are even expected to be conversant on American political issues and are bombarded by American news, yet the Canadian "prime minister" has barely even been officially recognized by the U.S. news media and is often forgotten or ignored altogether.  The inclusion of Canada in the voter's demographic would also add a significant number of white people to the count, not to mention open up a whole new market for election coverage, the Superbowl - the list is endless.  Oh won't you begin to care a little more about our less fortunate neighbors?

My Name Means Pimple in Japanese - by Nicole Bee.  My name is Nicole Bee, but I used to never let people call me 'Nicole' - my family and friends have called me Nicky for as long as I can remember.  Well, that was before I came to Japan to work as a high school English teacher as a part of the JET program.  From the first day I got here when I first introduced myself as Nicky Bee, all I ever got was gales of laughter.  People asked me if that was my real name, I got pissed off, I got depressed, I told all my fellow JETs that I was ready to take the first plane back home.  After a few days I found out that Nicky Bee means 'pimple', or 'zit' in Japanese.  I got even more pissed off at that, but I realized that there was no way that they'd change the Japanese language just on my account, so I went by Nic for a while.  Some people thought that I was a guy.  Then I just caved in and went back to Nicole.  Screw it - Nicole isn't such a bad name, actually.  And it's really much better than Nicolette, don't you think?
 

Opinion

Common Sense: Vote For The Guy Without The Sweaty Pits - Let's imagine a presidential campaign: one campaigner has sweaty armpits, the other doesn't... which one do you vote for?  This answer seems so obvious that it is astounding that anyone can even question it.  Like if you are a woman and two guys are asking you for a date - one of them has sweaty armpits, the other doesn't; which one will you go out with, maybe even sleep with, marry, have children with?  Seems like common sense to me.  That's why the Common Sense column calls for smart voters to always check campaign flyers carefully for pit dampness; if a campaigner can't raise his hands 'cause he's sure, then what kind of a president will he be?

Mnemonic Device's Meaning Forgotten - The term "lefty loosey, righty tighty" may seem like a well-known saying, but how many people actually know what it refers to?  We cornered some guy on the street and asked him if he could retract the probably-useless information from his cranial valve.  "Well, I seem to know that one.  What is it?  Oh, I used to know it.  I don't know, I give up.  Tell me.  Come on, tell me, it's driving me crazy."  He's probably still guessing, because we didn't tell him that the term "lefty loosey, righty tighty" is a political slogan from the 1950 presidential campaign that claims that "left-wing" politicians all hang loose, while "right wing" politicians are all uptight.  The institution of using mnemonic devices should be barred - after all, what use is a mnemonic device if everybody can remember it, but nobody can remember what it's supposed to remind people of?
 

Arts and Entertainment

Visual Kei Dead at Age 5 - All trends come and go, and now sadly another has gone to its grave - yes, that's right, visual kei is dead at age 5.  A funeral was held for the short-lived musical trend by dozens of teary-eyed fans, who were later joined by the dour faces of members of Glay, Luna Sea, L'Arc En Ciel, Malice Mizer, La Cryma Christi, Lucifer, Pierrot, and dozens of other musicians as they hugged their instruments and allowed tears to spill down their white cheeks, carving swathes in their mascara and foundation.  "It's so sad," says Soneau Soleil lead singer Jyyrou, "visual kei was so beautiful.  I don't understand what went wrong.  It was supposed to live a thousand years, we could have been emperors."  RIP visual kei, welcome sassy female singer-songwriters.

Hot New Artist: Brittney Houston - Watch out, music world, there is a new force on the scene - Brittney Houston!  Combining the best aspects of Whitney Houston and Brittney Spears, Brittney Houston has all she needs to surpass both of these women's careers combined.  There is only room for one woman at the top, and even Madonna and Barbra Streisand had better make way.  Raised by two mothers, one blonde-haired and white-skinned, the other black but with fair features, Brittney Houston had the best of both worlds.  Her first single "Baby baby, oh please don't go and leave me" will be available in June from Jupiter Records.

Hipster Mistakes Cover Version For Original - Usually, the urban caucasian hipster is known to inhabit dark places, yet he is also drawn to loud, musical environments such as record stores, where he might work, and bars, where he might hang out after work.  Usually hipsters are knowledgeable about very little except music, but sometimes one gets a chance to meet a hipster who knows nothing about music.  David Squamish is just such a hipster.  "David knows his music, kinda sorta," says fellow hipster John Ramone, "but he kind of gets it a little wrong.  Like he thinks that Nirvana wrote and performed 'Where Did You Sleep Last Night,' he doesn't even realize that the real title is 'In The Pines,' or whatever else, originally sung by Leadbelly, a.k.a. Huddy Ledbetter.  He thinks that Nine Inch Nails wrote 'Get Down, Make Love,' he thinks that John Lennon wrote 'Stand By Me,' he thinks that Van Halen wrote 'Pretty Woman.'  Weird, huh.  Even with movies, he doesn't realize that Gus Van Sant's new 'Psycho' is a remake."

Sweet Pop Group Remakes Gnarly Industrial Song/Gnarly Industrial Group Remakes Sweet Pop Song - Last week in Stockholm, EMI records announced that the hot new Swedish pop band the Daffodils would be doing a cover of a gnarly industrial song, Siva Brains' mid-eighties song "Glass Head Smash."  The record is being recorded now and will be ready some time next month.  "We thought it would be fun to try the song accoustically.  It really has some nice melodies, you know, a lot of those old '80s industrial songs do.  I hope lots of people buy this record, it will be fun."  As a retaliation, Siva Brains has announced that it plans to record the Daffodil's 1999 smash hit "Rose Glasses (the World Through)," essentially by programming a deathly beat, then playing guitars splattered in blood and chanting the lyrics to the song over and over again.  "I hope nobody buys our record," Shiva Brains lead singer Timothy told reporters.  "It would give me too much pain, and I need my fix."

Turning Back the Clock: Mr. Shankly Asks, Morrissey Frankly Answers - Long-forgotten by everyone besides the "Turning Back the Clock" gang, we recently approached Mr. Earnest Shankly to ask him to recall his last meeting with the singer Morrissey.  "Well, you know, I saw Morrissey over there, and I went over to him, see, and I asked him, 'say, Morrissey, what do you really think of me, hey?'  So then this fellow, this Morrissey fellow, he turns over to me and he says 'Frankly Mr. Shankly, since you asked, I find you a snickering pain in the ass.'  Well, I ask you!!  Then he says to me 'I didn't mean to be so rude, but I must speak frankly Mr. Shankly.'  I tell you, some of those young folk, they have a lot of nerve.  Of course, he's probably not so young any more, but well, that's what I remember.  Good day."

Limp Bizzkit Rack Up The Superlatives - In an age of ever-widening scope, where teenagers have more material wealth than the kings of yore, where surges in the stock market gain the equivalent of a country's yearly GDP, and where a handful of pop groups vie for the most sensational fan base, there is one band which has somehow managed to garner all of the superlatives: Marilyn Manson.  No, it's not Marilyn Manson, actually it's Limp Bizzkit.  Misspelling their name similarly to Led Zeppelin and Motley Crue (among others), the Bizzkits have not only produced the world's most expensive video (according to Juice magazine), but they are also "quite possibly the worst band in the history of music" (Kansai Time Out).  But the superlatives do not end there: among the others are "least taken seriously by serious musicians," "funniest-looking band member," "quickest rise and fall," "silliest name," "silliest album name," and "most astounding dearth of superlatives."  Way to go, guys, may your biscuits always be limmp.

Mariah Carey Faded and Wrinkled - A poster of Mariah Carey, which has been hanging in the same music store window for several years, is now tattered, dusty, wrinkled, and nearly faded beyond recognition.  The poster, which is an advertisement for Ms. Carey's 1985 debut CD "Ooh Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby... Baby," has been hanging in the window since early 1986.  "Our store-front gets a lot of sun," explains manager Daerak Reilly, "and I suppose we should clean the front windows a little more often.  A few years ago we talked about replacing that particular poster, but nowadays we think it has a certain amount of charm and a kind of character of its own, so we intend to leave it there and just change the other posters around it.  It's become a kind of joke around here, people come in saying 'hey, Mariah's a bit more faded, got more wrinkles than last time,' and I think that makes them happy."
 

Film:

Entertainment Survey: Is Mel Gibson Really What Women Want? - A new movie has film viewers questioning whether Mel Gibson is really what they want.  "What Women Want," is a movie starring Mel Gibson as an unattached man who has a love-hate relationship thing happening with a woman who needs what Mel's got.  And so we asked a group of women if Mel Gibson is really what they want:
"Well, I wouldn't mind him.  Medium rare, with a bit of ketchup, salt and pepper, fries on the side."  Hellyn Pynk, designer
"Yeah, I wouldn't mind Mel.  He works in the entertainment industry, he could get the digital clock on my VCR to stop flashing 12:00 all the time."  Ai Ni, clerk
"Sure I want Mel Gibson, I've been looking for someone to change my grandfather's diapers."  Swee Denn, architect
"Is this like a contest?  Is Mel Gibson the first prize?"  John Scapula, blonde
"What I really want is a sequel to Tequila Sunrise.  Mel, how will you bring Raul Julia back from the dead?"  John Spreet, performer

Reinstate Mickey Rourke - When will Hollywood give Mickey Rourke the credit he deserves and let him star in a movie where he gets to have kinky sex with a  beautiful actress again? - Any look at the shelves of the video aisles will probably give you an idea how long it's been since Mickey Rourke has starred in a role where he plays a sex-crazed yuppie who has beautiful women begging to be abused by him in private.  This is the role that Mr. Rourke created, defined, and patented, yet he has recently been forced to do minor supporting work in such boring films as Buffalo 66, some stupid bomb-maker in Body Heat, and being the voice of one of those trains in that Thomas movie.  Yeesh!  Hollywood is shooting itself in the foot by denying this great thespian the proper soft-core pornography that once made his career so great.  Here's hoping the new millennium will see a new run of Wild Orchids and Nine and a Half Weeks to provide some supply for the demand.

Movie Review: "Unbreakable" - Isn't it everybody's secret fantasy to be indestructible?  In this sequel to "Superman" and "the Fugitive," Bruce Willis stars as a man who discovers that he cannot be killed after he is the only person to survive a train disaster that shreds everybody on it - he walks away without a scratch, wading through knee-deep gore.  The rest of the movie shows him reveling in his juggernaut-like indestructibility - flipping people off on the highway without fear of retaliation, insulting arrogant criminal elements, openly expressing his opinion of the government, exposing himself to AIDS and heroin addiction, and just generally having a good time.  But when the insulted criminals lash out at his family instead of him, he takes matters in his own hands and hunts them all down.  This time, it's personal.

Movie Review: "Big Daddy" - Lucky Half-Canadian Bastard Kid Gets to Grow Up in America - (Spoiler alert!) Big Daddy is a heart-warming comedy starring Adam Sandler in a typical role as a drawling, irresponsible underachiever who hangs out with a kid he thinks he has adopted.  The kid is a bastard Canadian boy with an American father.  Together they come up with a plan to help this boy grow up in America so that he won't have to be a part of the notorious Canadian school system.  And yes, folks, there is a happy ending!

Movie Review: "Casting Couch - the Movie" - Taking the 'Candid Camera' approach, some brilliant Hollywood producer has made himself an instant millionaire by making his first film about the first step most actors take in being cast in a Hollywood movie - hitting the casting couch.  The film includes unbilled performances by some of the industry's hottest stars, as well as some who will never be stars, and sees how they rate on the casting couch.  "The film has gotten a lot of praise for its cinema verite feel," says director/producer Thom Wellis, "well, that's because I didn't tell the actors that the cameras were on.  Some of these famous people thought that I was casting them for the new Tarantino film.  And some of these kids who would sell their souls to be in any film, I used the names of directors who had been dead for a long time - none of them caught on.  It was a lot of fun.  Best thing was the record-low budget - none of the stars want a cut, and all I really paid for was the cameraman, the film developing, all that overhead stuff.  Now if I had really cast them all..."

Movie Review: Seven Brides For Seven Sisters - Seven Brides For Seven Sisters is the gay/lesbian sequel for the classic film Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.  It is a film made in a time of openness and willingness by the public at large to confront uncomfortable issues, made by a caring group of individuals well known for their sensitivity and openness.  The film is a well of glorious romance and uninhibited giddiness, filmed in glorious yellows, carnations spurting, orchids, Georgia O'Keefe, all that great stuff.  And if the film is successful, a sequel to be called "Seven Brides For Seven Dwarves" has even been planned.

A Night at the Sub-Genre Awards - In a stunning star-studded ecstati-clectric awards ceremony in Hollywood last night, the winners of the Sub-Gendre Awards were announced.  The winner of the Best Film Where A Divorced Couple Gets Back Together is Twister, just beating out Outbreak.  The Best Cliffhanger Movie With No Sequel award went to Inner Space, still the champion in its field.  The many contenders for the Best Film By A Short Actor And A Tall Leading Lady stood on their toes as the envelope opened - the winner was "husband" and "wife" team Tom and Nicole for Eyes Wide Shut.  Finally, the consolation prize of Best Film That Wasn't Marketed Correctly (i.e. the downer award that nobody really wants to win) was given to Fight Club, which failed in its expectations to earn a billion dollars when too many scenes of Edward Norton's naked chest were shown and not enough of Brad Pitt's.  "Some people actually stayed away from this film because they thought it would be too violent," says Hollywood head of marketing John Wesley, shaking his head.  "Can you believe that something like that would happen in America in this day and age?  And then the people who went just to see the violence thought that there wasn't enough.  Maybe it should have just been called 'Brad Club.'  Now, I wonder how it would have turned out if we had gotten Kelsey Grammar instead of Edward Norton."  But there's still a happy ending to the loser award (which remains unclaimed) - Fight Club is a major hit on video, where sales are approaching the $500 million mark.

Propagandistic Film Displays Historical Inaccuracies 50 Years After The Fact - Following the success of the D-Day remake "Saving Private Ryan," a whole new sets of old wounds has been opened 50 years after the fact with the new remake of "From Here To Eternity" called "Pearl Harbor."  Aging Hollywood producers, some of whom actually had fathers in California in 1941 on that fateful day that will now live in celluloid infamy, quickly red-lighted the project when Michael Bey signed on as director.  Bey, the self-groomed heir to Stephen Spielberg's throne in Hollywood (not James Cameron), also directed the family film "Armageddon," a cheerful film about the legions of Hell visiting Earth and devouring the un-baptized, the pagan, the sinful.  The film promises to be a fantastic, sensual, explosion-frought film that will hopefully rally the hearts of Americans in the coming down-turn of the economy and "looming trade-war with Japan."  Unfortunately, in order to created a cohesive story and to heighten the visual effects, some historical inaccuracies appear in the film.  "Well," says bit actor John Cummings.  "I think it was actually overcast on the day of the invasion.  You can see that in some of the pictures of the burning battleships.  But in the film it's bright and sunny.  There's that.  Then they had a lot of white people there, not so many Hawaiian people at all.  I think that was inaccurate.  Also some of the Japanese attack pilots in the film are Chinese-American, I think that is inaccurate.  There's probably some other things too, but I think it's still going to be a great film."  Michael Bey's next film is rumored to be a co-production with Wolfgang Peterson about the doomed crew of a Japanese coast guard training boat that was rammed by a nuclear submarine in Hawaii less than 50 years ago.

Only In The Movies: Only in the movies can a famous celebrity be treated like ordinary person.  Like look at Madonna's date trying to get a seat for the two of them in a restaurant in her new film "The Next Best Thing."  He has to resort to a corny trick like saying "would it change anything if I told you that Harrison Ford was in our party," when really all he has to do is say, "look who my date is - it's Madonna, dude!"  Now that I come to think of it, wouldn't it have been funny if he had used Kevin Costner instead of Harrison Ford, considering how Madonna made fun of "the Mariner" in her "Truth Or Dare"?  Or if they had set the film in "the Nazi State of" Toronto?  I wonder if Madonna and Harrison Ford hang out.  I wonder if Madonna has ever been to a baseball game with Kevin Costner in Toronto.  But I digress.  Only in the movies can Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts walk into a 7-11 and nobody says "hey guys, look, it's Brad Pitt," or "hey guys, look, it's Julia Roberts."  Only in the movies can some extra say to Charlie Sheen "hey, that's my girlfriend" before a fist fight breaks out, since anybody else would probably just say "hey, Charlie, you were really good in 'Being John Malkovich.'  Are you going to be in the sequel?  Is that really true about you and the... and the... and the... say, do you know Rick James?"

Chip and Dale Practically Indistinguishable - Despite their being one of the best-loved and oldest of the Disney characters, a poll conducted on avid Disney fans has revealed that very few people can actually tell Chip and Dale apart.  "One of them has a little black nose, and the other has a bigger, red nose," recounts one fan.  Their voices are a little different, but I can never remember which is which.  Even if I hear one calling the other 'Chip,' I never really take note.  They might as well be twins as far as I'm concerned."  Other Disney fans admitted a similar difficulty in distinguishing Huey, Duey, and Luey.  Outside of the Disney realm, other teams that had indistinguishable members were Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, and Tony Toni Tone.  In addition, it was discovered that many people could not distinguish Abbot and Costello from Laurel and Hardy.  A follow-up poll asking Disney fans if they believe that both Goofy and Pluto are dogs, and asking them to speculate why one is independent and the other is a pet will be conducted in following weeks, check future editions of Head Cheese for results.

Slasher Film Victim Goes On To Big Hollywood Career - In a nearly unprecedented career development, Hollywood unanimously decided to promote to stardom an unknown actress who had previously only appeared in slasher films as a victim.  Previously seen in six different slasher movies where she was usually killed off just after the opening credits, the actress appears to have been selected for A-list stardom when someone discovered that the woman could actually act.  "A lot of people were put off by her large breasts," admits producer Bill Ives, "but she went to the classes, she did well in theater, she really could act.  We finally had to admit that we were impressed.  Watch for her to be appearing in a big picture some time soon."

Johnny Depp Look-alike Has Big Career - Surprise, surprise, some guy who looks just like Johnny Depp is going to be a big star in Hollywood.  I wonder why, since all those guys who look like Clint Eastwood, Kevin Costner, Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, and Marilyn Monroe have never really gotten very far.  Johnny Depp is the guy with the cheekbones, maybe cheek bones are all you really need.  Attention plastic surgeons of Southern California...

Thousands of Fans Believe Scream Victims Really Died - Scream was the surprise hit of the season.  The film expertly dissected the horror movie formula and made expert fun of it, at the same time as it provided thrills, chills, and an interesting plot.  But now months after the film's release, it is being discovered that the events portrayed so realistically in the film are entering the realm of the urban myth and many fans believe that the people who died in the film died in real life.  "A lot of people out there are pretty sure it was a real film," says video store clerk John Reilly, "and that those people died in real life.  The fact that they lived in a world that was aware of horror films proves that it must have really happened, since usually in horror films they live in a fake virtual world where nobody knows that you're never supposed to say 'I'll be right back,' or 'let's split up' if you want to live to see the next sunrise.  But in this one they did, so it must have been the real world.  And that's pretty scary."  In addition to the group of people who believe that the people in Scream really died, there is an opposing group of people who believe a counter-myth that claims that the people in Scream 2 actually died the way it is shown in the movie.

Media:

Magazine With "Collector's Edition" Printed on Cover Fails to Become Collector's Edition - Already desperate with dropping ad rates and a crippling paper-boys strike, the editorial staff at Life and Rhymes feel-good poetry journal took a stab in the dark - they printed the words "collector's edition" on the cover of their spring issue.  "We really thought it would breathe a little life into L and R," said head editor John Smith, "but nobody really seems to care that they have a chance of making their only copy of Life and Rhymes a real-life collector's edition.  Sales are still down."  At press time, it appeared doubtful that printing "collectors edition" on something will actually make it "a real-life collector's edition" like Mr. Smith claimed.

News Magazine Aims Towards Adult Readers - A new rumor has surfaced on the internet that Time magazine has been preparing a new magazine aimed at bringing news to an adult audience.  The magazine, which will have a title on a variation of the well-known Time name, will carry more articles on a wider range of topics, will have fewer color pictures and reduce the size of space-wasting flashy graphics, and will rely less on quotes from experts in the fields being investigated.  The magazine will also dispel with attempts to by "hip" and "cool" by banishing "humorous" side-boxes, sassy comments, the meaningless feud with Anna Nicole-Smith, society elements, and the dubious "winners and losers" box.  The rumor is being watched with keen interest by adults who are disillusioned by the print media and hope that America can finally have a news magazine near the level of the Economist, a British news magazine.  "I'm glad that my kids read magazines like Time and Newsweek," says Sheila Shingle, homemaker, "but I stopped reading it years ago.  The news always seems so stale, and the attempts to be bold and informative always seem so phony.  I hope the new magazine will actually be good."
 

Society

Internet Courtesy - Is There Such A Thing? - Sociologists and scholars are in the middle of a debate at the moment to not only define the term "internet courtesy," but also to prove if it even exists in practical terms.  "Everyone understands the concept of 'internet,'" says Egghead University linguist Richard Beck, "and some people understand the term 'courtesy,' but who really has a concept of 'internet courtesy'?  Answer - no one."  Internet courtesy has been temporarily defined as virtual courtesy between two or more persons on the internet, yet finding actual examples of it have been difficult.  "When even good friends leave each others emails unanswered," says internetologist William Princeton, "and when they forward each other the same three forwarded humor pieces, and when they make fun of each other in chat rooms, and when they set up home pages full of errors and typos that really just waste everybody's time, it is difficult to find room for any of this elusive 'courtesy' anywhere."  Part of the reason that courtesy may be so elusive on the internet, much less the real world, is the anonymity involved with interpersonal relationships.  "The internet is blind," says professional hacker Haq-R, "and people can't really see each other.  We may feel like we're contacting friends, but we can't see them, we can't prove that they actually get our emails, or that it is them responding and not some type of extra-terrestrial life-form.  Time also has no meaning on the internet, nor does space.  It's all one big puzzle, really, so who has room for courtesy?  Now stop emailing me!"

Hypocrisy: Inexcusable in Others - Nobody is really opposed to hypocrisy in themselves, but everyone is opposed to hypocrisy in other people; this is what a 3-month investigation into the roots of human psychology has discovered.  Hypocrisy is just a state of mind that is called "wisdom" or "righteousness" or "understanding."  Nobody will call themselves a hypocrite, but anyone may be able to call another a hypocrite.  Hypocrisy is despised by all, yet everyone is guilty of it.  Nobody is aware of it in themselves, yet perpetually aware of it in other people.  While many people find this concept difficult to accept, others embrace it openly.  "Sure I may be a hypocrite," says Dr. Robert Dean Stanton Foster Wallace, President of the Hypocrite Club of One.  "But what I really hate is other hypocrites!  And it has nothing to do with being a medical doctor, either."

Hot New Trends: Creative Synonyms! - The new buzz-word on everybody's lips this season is "creative synonyms"!!  Marking its first media appearance this year in "Head Cheese Magazine," the term is destined to be popping up soon in other magazines, on the internet, possibly even on afternoon and evening TV talk shows!  "Creative synonyms is a system, usually used in the media, that creates new words," explains media consultant Susan Whitewater.  "Words such as 'off-road truck' or that awful 'four-by-four' (which is also a type of plank, by the way), can get reshaped as Soov," she purrs, "and the fuddy-duddy old fashioned concept of 'sharing,' is now pee-too-pee.  The dry concept of computer systems is so much sexier now that we have begun calling it IT.  Isn't language wonderful?  We now have a system to make new words!  Our dowdy little language has needed a spruce-up for decades, but thanks to the concept of creative synonyms, pretty soon English is going to be a really hip, new language."

Science and Technology

Business

Film Explosion of Product Placement Car Causes Sales to Plummet - The high hopes by a luxury car maker to use a product placement in a prominent action film "backfired" recently when the destruction of the car in the film actually caused sales to plummet.  The car performs well in the movie and is stunningly filmed as it speeds through the midnight streets of Paris - at least it does until the moment comes when it is required to explode in the film as a part of the standard action film plot.  Consumer confidence in the new-model car was shattered as car-owners reacted to rumors that the car was actually booby-trapped to explode if the smart-chip in the car's computer thought that the car was being stolen.  Even the price of used and display models of this car have fallen through the ceiling of the second floor to the first, making this a good time for under-achievers to pick one up cheap.  Some dealers will sell one with protective/flame-resistant body suits.
 

Features

Quotable Enough to Quote:

"I don't hate fags, I just wouldn't marry one."  - Jessica Green, homophobe.
"You should never assunme - when you assunme, you make an 'ass' out of u 'n' me, heh heh."  - Charly Chortle, smarty pants.
"Can the essence of something so complex as the intermixture of two diametrically opposed entities be boiled down and neatly packaged into three pages of a free magazine?  There are some who believe this possible."  Kansai Scene, free magazine.
"In a scene straight out of Titanic, he met her 12 years ago aboard an ocean liner."  Kansai Scene
"Nova shit eru."  Nova school advertisement in Japan
 

He Said/He Said: Only Love Can Break Your Heart vs. Only Love Can Make You Happy

He Said: Only Love Can Break Your Heart
Everybody knows that only love can break your heart.  Neil Young said it best, though, when he said "only love can break your heart, da da da da, da da, da da," I think he was talking about being together with some beautiful women, being in love with her, then she becomes kind of like a psycho and breaks up with you, or you break up with her because you think you have a chance with her best friend and that doesn't pan out, and you end up regretting everything you ever did with her, well all the stupid things anyway, and then you realize that you have a broken heart.  That's why I think that only love can break your heart.  What else can break your heart, really besides losing a bad bet, or getting stabbed in the back by your best friend.  Or maybe a slug from a .45.

He Said: Only Love Can Make You Happy
Love is so groovy.  There are lot of things that can make you happy - money, a great car, a house near the water, a fat cigar - but really the only thing that can truly make you happy is love.  Sure you tell your girlfriend some lie and go out with the boys and have a great time, and that's being happy and having a good time, but there's nothing like love to really make you happy.  And it's not like you weren't happy with your friends, but you're really happy with your girlfriend, I bet, right?  It's different, see?  Of course, if you come back a little too late, or if you drink a little too much, or if you have a bit of that strange perfume on some part of your body, then love might not make you so happy.  But I think in that case, it's not a case of the love itself making you unhappy - the root of that problem is probably just pride, not love.
 

Wieners and Loosers: An information table where we decide who is a wiener and who is a looser.

Wieners: Everybody - because everyone's weiner this month

Loosers: No one - because nobody's a looser this month

Hissy Fit of the Weak: white rap guy vs. his mother

Name: White rap guy Age: 23 Occupation: white rapper Best Punch: "I wish she had given birth to somebody else."

Name: White rap guy's mom Age: 32 Occupation: celebrity mom (estranged) Best Punch: "I wish my self-loathing could have made me a millionaire too, but we didn't have white rap back then.

Winner: White rap guy's mom, since we don't have to see her face wherever we go.

Letters to the Editor -

Hey Head Cheese,
I like the new name, but why did you change it?  Because not enough people know what "negi" are?  I like not knowing what Negi are.  It's like Tribune.  I don't know what a tribune is, do you?  But I still read the newspaper.
John Sloe (by email)

Hey Head Cheese,
I like your wieners and loosers section, but I've noticed one thing - you always put Time magazine in the loosers area, but once you put it in the wieners corner.  Is Time magazine a wiener or a looser then, I don't get it.
Richard Greggg (by email)

Dear Head Cheese,
Are any of your satire articles computer generated?  I heard recently that computer engineers are developing artificial intelligent that has a sense of humor, sarcasm, and irony.  I guess you could use that to write Head Cheese articles and save yourself some time, right?
John Broody (by email)

Dear Head Cheese,
I like your stories, but after reading a few I have been noticing patterns.  Like you always have an intro to a concept, some information about it, then you fill out the end of the article with a quote.  This happens almost every time.  What gives?
Charlie Tickle (by email)

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