After we sent our issue of Head Cheese 5 went to press, we received such a huge amount of letters pouring in to our magazine that we decided to make Head Cheese 6 a special "Letters To The Editor only" edition in order to address the issues that we felt addressed directly the crying urges or our real reader needs. We hope you enjoy this special edition of... Head Cheese. And if you wanna gripe, just send it to Head Cheese as a letter to the editor.
Dear Head Cheese,
I've been reading Head Cheese for quite some time, and I've always
wondered exactly what you meant by the header "the news as it aughtta be,"
what is that exactly? The way I figure it, it must mean "this didn't
really happen, but it's just been waiting to happen, so there's a good
chance it probably happened somewhere unreported and it's our duty to imagine
its likelihood and report it anyway in the guise of satire," or maybe it
means "wouldn't it be great if the news really was like this," of "the
news is like this, but nobody else bothers to report on things this absurd."
I too have been guilty of doing similar things, always backing myself up
morally with the powerful axiom of Lord Byron's "truth is stranger than
fiction." Or maybe it is an indication of an even higher conspiracy
that takes it all to another level, a whole massive nation-wide news cover-up
that Head Cheese is our only portal into. Wow. Anyway, thanks
Head Cheese for the great reporting, keep up the good work.
John Meyerlingk (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I am an English teacher, and I was outraged that you printed the article
about a teacher who has given up distinguishing between "the" and "a" sounds.
This can only lead to the unraveling of the English language as we know
it. I mean, if I say "thesaurus" everybody knows what I'm talking
about, but if we just say "asaurus" whenever we don't feel like saying
"thesaurus," then there can only be chaos since nobody will know what we're
talking about. I'm not just talking about the cause of the thesauri,
I'm talking about any word with "the" and "a" sounds, you nitwits!
John X. Malcolm (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
A few issues ago, somebody brought up what I thought was a really important
topic, the one about faked letters to the editor. So I've been re-reading
your letters to the editor and I must admit that they all sound like they
have been written by the same person. So come on, be honest - no
readers ever send in letters to the editors, right? You just make
them all up, right? Right?
Larry John (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Thank you for your article on the guy who spends all of his time deconstructing
the Japanese psyche, this totally reminds me of another person I know,
that was all he talked about. First of all he was a big manga/anime/video
game/character nerd. He even liked Hello Kitty. He used to
rave about how subtle and interesting the Japanese were, how different
they were from us. He used to phone me and talk for hours, and then
when he went to college he would write me these long emails - they naturally
all went straight into the garbage bin. He even showed me some homepage
that describes exactly which star in the universe the first Japanese migrated
from. It seems kind of condescending to me. Most of the Japanese
I know don't eat sushi all the time, and prefer soccer and baseball over
weird martial arts. I think guys like "deconstructionist man" are
full of crap.
John Hanks (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Thank you for writing such an informative article on my deconstructionist
interests, I think that the case for full deconstruction is now only being
understood on a wider basis, and with more education and a few years to
develop the science further deconstruction has a good chance of becoming
a full-time intellectual activity in our schools and colleges. I
only have one minor point to clarify in your article, however, that of
a slight mistake in my name. Although you got the spelling of my
last name, Throaty, correctly, you failed to explain to readers that there
is a silent "h" in my name, hence Throaty is pronounced "troaty," rhyming
with "doaty."
John Throaty (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Your article "Causal Effects in the Films of Wilt Stillman" was fascinating,
but I have to admit that I'm not entirely certain what a "causal effect"
is. Am I stupid?
Patrick Gore (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
When did people agree to stop calling George W. Bush Jr. "George Jr."
and start calling him "George W." I like the Jr., I think it sounds
dignified and presidential. It would be even better if we just called
him Junior, like that '80s TV character. And I have to disagree with
the people who think he looks like a chimpanzee - he doesn't look like
a chimp at all, he looks more like a weasel.
Simba Jones (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Thanks for your explanation of the "righty tighty, lefty loosey" thing
a couple issues back, I never understood it before, but now it makes total
sense to me. Ironically, I now hear people using it incorrectly all
the time, but at least I know better than they do. But there is another
thing that keeps bugging me, like that "six of one, half a dozen of the
other" thing. I could never figure that out. I think it's something
like "I'll have six order of fries and half a dozen burgers." Am
I on the right track?
John Filly (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I noticed that, although you are quite good about printing letters,
you never provide sassy answers to any of your letters - in fact, you never
have any responses to reader comments in the editorials or any responses
whatsoever. You're like this big wall of silence. You stand
tall and stoic and you never let anything change or form your policy.
Why is this? I'm expecting an answer from you, Head Cheese, and if
I don't have a response by this Friday, I cannot be held responsible for
my actions.
John Wacky (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Want to know something funny? I read Head Cheese 1 to 5, without
realizing that your name was actually Head Cheese, the whole time
I always thought it was Head Cheats. My friend, the Republican
congressman for Louisiana, finally clued me into your real name, thanks
John.
John Cleveland (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I wonder why most of your letters are from guys named John. Don't
any women read Head Cheese? And also, why do all the letters arrive
by email? Doesn't anybody know your street address? I believe
that your letters to the editor are as fake as the articles you write for
your stupid mag. Like how about that guy who spends all of his time
deconstructing the Japanese - what's his name, John Throaty? Come
on, he can't be a real person, nobody has a family name like "Throaty,"
the guy obviously doesn't exist. You probably made that article up
just like you make up all of your letters to the editor. Normal people
don't write like that, besides the fact that the articles are all obviously
written in the same style. Kind of like those interviews with people
in celebrity magazines, they are all obviously faked by publicists.
Real people don't talk that way. Regardless, I will be canceling
my subscription as of this issue and will not buy another issue of Head
Cheese until you print a full apology.
Joan Bolicks (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Thank you for your touching obituary for Robert Jillen in Head Cheese
5, your touching prose makes it clear that you understand as we all do
what a saint of a man he was, no matter what his ex-wife says. Police
claim that he owned all these guns and was a known drug runner, but it
is all lies, nobody can prove any of these malicious statements.
And why can they not prove them? Because they are untrue. It
is far more difficult to prove the truth in some cases, than it is to prove
rumors which don't need any proof for people to just believe them blindly.
It is a crying shame that this great man can be so slandered in death when
he has no way to defend himself. The scandalous objects found near
his body were obviously planted there by other parties (I won't mention
the cops or the ex-wife, whose current lover is a cop herself, except in
these parentheses, but we all know what our theories are) could not have
been owned by him - they are clearly objects that only a woman could have
bought for herself, objects that Robert, being a man, would obviously have
no use for. Anyway, thank you for giving this wonderful man a few
last words before time steamrolls on and forgets all about him and his
miserable life and death.
John Stilt (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I have a little problem. About two years into my marriage I began
to have uncontrollable urges, and I was frequently unfaithful to my wife.
This is not the main problem, though. Later my wife found out about
my scandalous activities, but actually this isn't the problem either.
She actually didn't try to divorce me, but she also didn't quite forgive
me, and now I finally arrive at my main problem - she told me that every
time she finds out about an infidelity of mine, she will double the ante
by sleeping with two guys at once, three guys at once, whatever it takes.
I love my wife, and she is very attractive and sexy as well so I could
never kick her out of my bed or divorce her, but I don't know how to deal
with this type of situation, what should I do? By the way, my wife
is also a fan of your column and might be writing to you herself, so don't
believe any of the lies she tells you about me.
John Ambrose (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I was interested in reading your report about aggressive grandmas on
the subways, I have frequently been a victim of these insane matriarchs
and I also believe that their attitude is becoming a serious problem in
our trains. I am a salaryman, a husband and father and good provider
for my family and a proper member of society, I am in my 30s, nearly 6
feet tall, and a former judo team member. I have a seven figure annual
salary, chiseled features that some call attractive, I have a social outgoing
personality, and I like to keep myself in good shape. But I am always
uncertain how to properly handle these little old ladies. These woman
are rude, sharp, always underfoot, and prone to elbow me in all the wrong
places. I have to constantly fight back the urge to lose my cool
and snap at them, call them "kuso baba" like I want to. I know that
they must be somebody's mother, somebody's grandmother, probably also somebody's
great-grandmother or great-great-grandmother, but I don't know how they
get off on being so totally aloof to the others around them. They
make up the rules as they go along, and there seems to be no stopping them.
It's really strange. Anyway, I'm glad that somebody is addressing
the problem.
John Hashimoto (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I would like to take issue with the expat English teacher, a certain
Mr. Robert Black, a supposed "economist" who claims that there can be nothing
wrong with the Japanese economy by simply observing the drinking habits
of a few misguided salarymen. The truth that he doesn't know is that
all of the economic indicators depict that the economy is actually sliding
into the abyss - stuffed toy sales are down, puffy stickers are down, cell-phone
bobbles and flashing light antennae are way down, so are both sex toys
and K-Y Jelly. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, it doesn't
even touch all of the former prostitutes who are now taking up work in
convenience stores and supermarkets. I don't know about the salarymen
that he seems to find so easy to dupe into buying drinks, but I have a
funny feeling that they are in fact burning through the last of their savings
in denial of the hard times that they have fallen on and are not long for
this world - he might find it an eye-opener to scan the suicide reports
in the newspaper every couple of days, where he is bound to find the names
of more than a few of his drinking buddies.
John Matsumoto (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Your report on Robert Black who believes that the Japanese economy
is not in decline is right on the money. The fact is that business
is booming - rope sales, sleeping pill sales, razor blade sales are way
up, not to mention liquor sales, video porn rentals, and any type of escapist
fantasy going all the way from sexy TV games to Tokyo Disneyland ticket
receipts to the newly opened Universal Studios Japan complex in the toxic
landfill zone of scenic Osaka harbor. I also believe that Japan has
one of the most vibrant economies in the world and I'm doing my bit to
keep it that way by spending all of my money as it comes in, mostly in
the Ginza bars during the week, and at theme parks on weekends with my
large family. Let's all get together and keep Japan solvent.
John Otsukurikasawatanaka (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Thank you for printing your "head to head in a back alley in Osaka
" article. I am a 17-year-old Japanese girl whose boyfriend drives
a white suped up Honda Prelude, you know, the type that you have to take
your shoes off before you get in and wear slippers? The kind with
the tinted windows and all the antennae sticking out of it? The kind
of car that has more attention paid to it and is more luxurious than the
owner's actual living space? Well, my boyfriend always drives down
these narrow alleys and always thinks that nobody will ever come the other
way, and they always do and we are always stuck head to head, so I can
totally sympathize with the people in your article. The people in
your article could be us, and we are always staring down some prick driving
some kind of mini van delivering groceries or something or other who won't
get out of our way and we end up wasting all this time. Maybe if
more people read your article, this kind of thing won't happen to people
who drive in nice cars like us.
John Suziki
Dear Head Cheese,
Regarding your article about the white guy with the Chinese characters
tattooed into his body and the girl laughing at him - well, that article
was totally ridiculous. What right does this woman have to laugh
at a guy's tattoos just because she can read them and doesn't think they
are appropriate as tattoos? Sure Asian chicks may be hot and totally
desirable, but the minute they open their mouths they are so totally unappealing.
I also have a bunch of tattoos of Chinese characters, and I too don't know
what they mean. This is not the point - I picked them because I like
their shapes and they make me feel like a powerful member of an Asian secret
society, I don't care what they mean in Chinese or Japanese. They
are my tattoos and the fact remains that I speak neither Chinese or Japanese
and I don't care to learn these foreign languages, so I wouldn't
appreciate someone telling me what they actually mean. I consider
them part of my personal language, and I will assign my own meanings to
them, thank you very much. I don't care if these characters are a
thousand years old, I don't care if they are five thousand years old, they're
part of my body and I'm 21 years old and king of the world.
John Reagan (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I read your article about the couple that bring a rat back from Mexico
with interest, for I too have brought a mistaken pet back from Mexico on
several occasions. One time I thought I was buying a rare albino
goldfish, when it turned out that the "albino" goldfish was simply an ordinary
goldfish painted white. Another time I thought I was bringing a Mexican
boa constrictor back, only to discover that it was a gila monster with
its legs chopped off. And yet another time I thought I was bringing
back an infant Mexican chimpanzee, only to find out that it was actually
a full grown Mexican farmer!
John Bush (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I have a bit of a problem. Recently I found out that my husband
was cheating on me. I decided that instead of making it easy on him
by filing for divorce and getting a sizeable settlement with alimony, I
decided that I could save my marriage by adopting the philosophy that turnaround
is fair play and outdoing him in his "extracurricular activities"; my new
rule is that every time he sleeps with some bimbo, I go for a nice three
way. My problem now is that I'm having too much fun and hope that
he doesn't start being faithful to me. What do you think, Head Cheese,
is this the right attitude for me to have? I need your advice.
Joan Ambrose (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Do you want to go out with us for a beer on Saturday night? If
you do, give us a call, or just come on by. We'll watch the game
for a bit after work until about 8 or 9, then head out to the usual place.
If we don't see you at the house, see you at the place. If we don't
meet up at all on Saturday, I'll call you some time next week at work.
John Dilligent (by answering machine)
Dear Head Cheese,
I don't like that Michael Jackson article, it is an insult to the gloved
one himself not to mention his hordes of loyal fans. Don't even think
about pissing us off - we will act as one and wipe you out!
John Jackson (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Is that guy's name really Michael Jackson? Now I know four people
like me besides the Gloved One himself. I also know one George Bush,
one George Michael, two Danny Partridges, one Michael Collins, one Obi
Wan-Kenobi, and three George Lucases... besides the famous ones of course.
Thanks for drawing attention to us name-alikes and our plight.
Michael Q. Jackson (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
You're kidding about that guy named Michael Jackson, right? I
know you're a satirical newspaper and all, so you report on fake things
that are likely to happen, right? But that doesn't necessarily mean
that any of them are really true, right? I mean, who with a family
name of Jackson would name their kid Michael after they know bloody well
that there already was such a famous Michael Jackson. It's like if
your name was Hitler, the given name Adolf should be off limits too, right?
Do all the Cohone (sic) families out there also have a daughter called
Madonna? I don't think so.
Mary Jackson (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Sometimes I like your articles, but sometimes I have no idea of what
you're talking about. Like you had an article in Head Cheese 5 about
some guy called Ray Parker Jr., is he famous or something? Seems
like you claim he had some sort of famous song twenty years ago, am I just
automatically supposed to know what it was? Are Head Cheese readers
supposed to know everything if they want to follow the importance of your
articles or understand their humor? I think that's rather pretentious.
Or were you in fact actually writing an article about my neighbor?
His name is Ray Parker too, although I don't know if he is a "junior" like
this Ray Parker "Junior" that you reported about. Maybe I'll ask
him the next time I see him in the hall.
John Williams (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I think your report on actors who make celebrity albums neglected to
mention one actor/idol who regularly puts out recorded music - Mr. David
Bowie. Maybe not everybody is aware of it, but besides acting in
dozens of films including Christiane F., the Hunger, Everybody Loves Sunshine,
Absolute Beginners and most recently Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels,
David Bowie also puts out the occasional album of music. Get with
the program, or I'll tell you about other actors whose musical careers
you neglected to mention - a long list that starts with Whitney Houston
and ends with Courtney Love.
John Partridge (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I noticed in the last issue you included double versions of two articles
- the Ray Parker Jr. article appeared in two versions, as did the Only
In The Movies article about Styx lovers falling in love with each other.
Is this an error? Or did the same thing actually happen in different
places at different times? Wow, talk about synchronicity!!
Suzie Joan (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I liked your article on the two Styx lovers who fall in love, it is
just like those movies that show two attractive but wacky individuals nobody
wants but who find each other; but what are the odds of the only Styx fans
in the entire nation could just meet like that? Pretty astronomical,
I'd say. That's probably why you put it in an article called "Only
In The Movies," right? And that Melanie Griffiths fantasyland, that
is kind of like an Only In The Movies kind of situation. But that
Julia Roberts and Erin Brockovich story, that is actually totally plausible!
So what is up with your mag - is it made up, or is it real? Kind
of like your letters page - they kind of ring false, but on the other hand
why wouldn't your legion of fans write in to you the way I am? Some
people wonder if the letters are actually written in by readers or created
by Head Cheese itself, but I have a different theory: Head Cheese Letters
To The Editor are kind of like the out-takes shown at the end of the Jackie
Chan films - some of them could be faked, some of them could be real out-takes,
but in the end if they're funny, who really cares?
John Larson (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
You wrote an article about Melanie Griffiths winning an Oscar in a
virtual fantasyland, I wonder if you could share with us which particular
virtual reality fantasyland you are talking about? The reason I ask
is that I also live in a virtual reality fantasyland and we've never even
heard of Melanie Griffiths here. Still, I believe she must be a fine
actress, whatever virtual reality she might inhabit, particularly when
she appears in films with that fine, fine actor with exquisite taste in
women, Mr. Michael Douglas.
Joan Bryson (by email - of course)
Dear Head Cheese,
I am a big Julia Roberts fan, and I really enjoyed your Julia Roberts/Erin
Brockovich articles, they were awesome and they show just how even the
media has to bow down to the incredible talent that is just undeniable
in this incredible woman. I'm glad that the real Erin Brockovich
was a beauty queen, so that the producers wouldn't have had to get some
dumpy actress to play her and let that person win the coveted Oscar for
the Erin Brockovich role instead of Julia, who has been denied true recognition
ever since she first stepped onto the celluloid stage in Flatliners (remember
her beau at that time, the uninspiring Crispin Sutherland? Where
is he now?). Thanks for a great article about a great actress.
John Thighs (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Somebody asked you a while ago if you would put up a Taiwanese Head
Cheese any time soon, but some time has passed and I don't see any Taiwanese
content on your page. What's wrong with you, there's nothing amusing
happening in Taiwan? You're too good to write about Taiwan?
You got a Japan-is-superior-in-Asia complex? What's wrong with you.
Look at all the crimson betel nut juice spilled on the streets like blood,
those rusting scooters, the millionaires selling matches, the real estate
barons who live in imitation Palace of the Versailles, warehouses filled
enough firecrackers to blow everybody to kingdom come - what's there not
to write about? We're waiting!!!!
John Chen (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I heard that smoking menthol cigarettes makes men sterile. It
doesn't make them impotent, though, right? I was thinking a bit,
and I realized that I would like to be sterile, it's probably like a kind
of birth control that I don't have to worry about, right? And if
my girlfriend tells me she's pregnant then I guess I can say that the kid's
not mine. I'm glad I smoke menthols, it'll probably get me off the
hook one day.
John Gingrich (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I have a problem - I watch too many movies. When I want to share
my experiences with others, nobody has ever seen any of the movies I'm
talking about. Like I saw this great film the other day, it's called
the Guyver 2 - it was fantastic! The guy in it, he was really life-like,
and the special effects were out-of-this-world. I liked the soundtrack
too. I'm a big fan of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, and the kung
fu was kind of like Morphin' stuff, it was really cool and fun. But
my problem is that nobody has ever heard of this movie, so I have nobody
to share my excitement with. But how about you, have you ever heard
of this movie? Or if you haven't, can you direct me to other people
who have seen this film? There doesn't seem to be anything on the
internet or on alt.stupid-movies. Sorry to sound like a whiner, but
I'm terribly frustrated. And it's not just about this film, there
are hundreds, thousands of other films that nobody has seen or even heard
of, what is a movie fan like me to do?
John Sloovy (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I read your book report on the Austrian-born actor who becomes the
first foreign born president of the US who is actually a Nazi, it was kind
of interesting. The review seems to be saying that the scenario is
very plausible, but if I read between the lines, the review seems to be
saying that this may have probably already happened. So what are
you saying, actually, that we have a Nazi president or have had a Nazi
president? Why was there nothing about it in Time?
Richard John (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Who is Douglas Coupland? Who is Brett Easton Ellis? Am
I supposed to know who these people are? These guys sound like golfers
or some other kind of sissy "athletes." I don't think I'd be interested
in seeing them in a rally. But I'm still pretty curious who they
are. I am, after all, the king of all mmmmmmmmedea. Explanation
please.
John Chummba (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I think your magazine has gone downhill recently, most markedly in
the last few years. I don't understand why you pass hard reporting
over in favor of flippant humor, so little of which is actually funny.
Mostly I feel sorry for your Asian readers, who had to suffer through your
patronizing "Sex in Asia" issue. Besides this, do the Japanese really
need you to explain longtime TV icon "Beat" Takeshi to them? And
when you call Akebono a loser (I'd like to see you say that to his face)
and make the newsworthy claim that former Prime Minister Murayama actually
grew his eyebrows out two centimeters during his short term in office (can
you back this statement up?), I really have to conclude that the reason
you mention the name of Head Cheese founder William Headcheese as often
as you do must be rooted in some sort of subconscious feelings of guilt.
John Attenborough (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I don't know why you have so many S.U.V. jokes - if everyone thought
like you did, nobody would buy any, but in fact people do buy them which
means that not everybody thinks like you do. So do you look down
on everybody who doesn't think like you do? Are you a god?
Are you some sort of holier than thou bicycle driver? I bet that
deep down inside you really turn green with envy every time some tanned
kid with perfectly manicured nails drives a recent model S.U.V. past you
on your rusty Chinese two-wheeler, a lingerie model seated next to him,
on his way to the airport to jump off to some tropical getaway for some
surfing and sex on the beach. And besides that your spelling is terrible.
What kind of journalist spells "the" wrong? You suck.
John Schmuck (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I had an L.E.D. watch when I was a kid, and the alarm played "Fur Elise."
I loved that watch. I lost it down the gut of an alligator that bit
my hand off one day when fishing in the Everglades. I think I missed
the watch more than I missed my right hand (don't even think of making
the joke I know you're thinking of right now, mister, I've heard it too
many times before!). Now every time I hear electronic versions of
"Fur Elise," I think of my watch and I start to cry, even when I'm in public.
Quite the opposite of you, my fine feathered friend, I can't stand the
piano version of this timeless tune - pianos only remind me of the loss
of my hand, I'll never be able to play the piano or most other musical
instruments. But a watch, that is something that I can play, thank
you very much Mr. electronic music snob.
John Sumack (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I was intrigued by your report of self-cleaning hands - I want a pair!
But every time I go down to the store, nobody knows what I'm talking about.
They claim that there is no such product. Yet in your article you
report this very product, what's up? Was this a prank? There
is no product is there!? You've been cheating us loyal readers all
along!! The same thing goes with your new design chopsticks version
2.1, nobody has a pair to sell me, even with money in my hand. I
think you've been manipulating us, thinking we're gullible, taking your
readership for granted, sending us on wild goose chases. I think
that's terrible. I expect a full explanation, Mr. Head Cheese, by
Friday, or I'm going to mail a bomb in to Head Cheese headquarters.
I mean business, mister!
John Sumack (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
You claim that not many virtual activities (outside of the "traditional"
virtual activities) are catching on. How about virtual news parody,
is there much of a market for that?
Joan Small
Dear Head Cheese,
I fully agree with the cloning advocate who complains, quite correctly,
about the negative image of cloning as portrayed in the media and Hollywood
- and in these very pages as well, I might add. I am an identical
twin, and both my twin and I would love to have countless copies of us
to keep us company. We could form our own society, run our own schools
and malls and beauty salons and tennis clubs - kind of like a world of
Barbies. We could have a nation of cloned Kens to look after us.
That is my idea of heaven, so how dare you to tell me that my dreams are
wrong!
Joan Selbe (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Sometimes you report about the most obvious things - trillions of internet
domains still unregistered... who cares?! Trillions of stars still
undiscovered, trillions of subatomic levels still unexplored, so what?
Dozens of diseases still haven't been isolated, dozens of internal organs'
uses still haven't been explained, so what! There are trillions of
inventions uninvented, there are trillions of art pieces not created yet,
and billions of novels still unwritten. What are you going to do
about it?
Jill Strobelight (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I was interested to see your report on the chopsticks, but I was shocked
and amazed to read you mistakenly attributing the invention of the device
to the Chinese. In fact, chop sticks - along with every other worth
Asian invention - were invented in Japan by Shinto priests who needed to
touch cremated human remains without dusting up their fingers. The
human masses got word of this magical new invention and adapted it to lifting
common objects, later for lifting food as well. There is no denying
that it is more hygienic to use chop sticks than actually touching the
food itself with the fingers, especially when eating deadly poisonous blowfish,
but if the common people were to find out that chop sticks were originally
used for picking up bones, there may be mass suicides. But perhaps
it's actually better to prolong the fantasy about the Chinese invention
of chop sticks. Keep up the good work, you vehicles of official propaganda.
Richard Yim (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
In your article on the swimmer who was beaten by 0.001 seconds, you
made a slight error based on an assumption that 0.001 seconds is an astonishingly
small unit of time. In fact, 0.001 seconds can be an eternity to
a quark or a lepton. But the bald fact is that this athlete lost
his race, no amount of complaining will put him in first place when it
has been proven to the world that he is a runner-up and not a champion
(as he appears to be in his own mind). If he still has problems with
this, perhaps he can turn to a counseling service for sore losers such
as the one I run. If he is interested he should call me at 090-25364-34575
for details.
John Cummings (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I was relieved to read your vindication of people who count their chickens
before they hatch in your "Chicken Farmer Counts Chickens Before They Hatch"
article in Head Cheese 5. People always accuse me of counting my
chickens before they hatch, and I've been getting pretty sick of it.
I built up an inferiority complex because of it, but your article showing
that there is a science to counting chickens before they hatch has shown
me that there is a place in the world for people like me. Even stock
traders and investment bankers are able to count their chickens before
they hatch, so why can't I?
John Darilyn (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I am afraid your magazine has misquoted me in your "Quotable Enough
to Quote" section. You quoted me as saying "just because I can't
explain a hypothetical event satisfactorily doesn't mean it won't happen."
In fact, what I believe I said was "just because something happened, doesn't
mean you can prove it happened." There's really a big difference,
and your misrepresented quote is in fact ideally opposite of what I truly
believe. Get your act together boys.
Jennifer Righitighti (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Reading your quotes of people claiming that they would buy Pokemon
cards or hair products before they would buy food shows me something truly
wrong in society today. The only person who makes any sense there
is Rita Small, who says that if she has some money she buys food, and if
she has any money left she buys more food. I mean, what are our priorities
as a society anyway?
Sally Small (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I have a theory about Head Cheese "letters to the editor." I
believe that they are the work of a single individual, a frustrated Time
magazine reader who has wanted to write poison pen letters to the editor
on a hundred occasions - but never actually did! And now he or she
is overcompensating for it by writing to your site under various aliases.
That could explain why they all come by email. Do they all originate
at the same email address? I'd bet francs to frankfurters that they
do.
John Brain (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I read with some amusement your article about the guy with the $100
haircut who thinks he's better than other people. I beg to differ.
I have a $150 haircut and I would like to tell this lad that there really
is no limit to the amount of money you can spend on your hair - the more
you spend, the better, and every penny is always worth it. If more
people could understand this, we would be able to rework the way our society
is run completely. Talk about a revolution - watch the movie "Shampoo"
and learn.
John Drain (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I believe that your "he said/he said" article in Head Cheese 5 represents
a clear conflict of interest - cheap haircut vs. expensive haircut, with
expensive haircut being the clear winner. The name of your publication
is after all "Head Cheese," and what is human hair if not head cheese?
I bet that if we looked through your holdings and investments, we would
fine more than one expensive hair salon among the bunch. By urging
people to go out and spend their hard earned money on their hair, you're
just trying to use your platform as a widely read satirical newspaper to
drum up some business. I think that's sick. Sick, sick, sick,
sick. When the revolution-that-will-not-be-televised comes, hair
stock will be the first to crash and burn, mark my words.
John Provost (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I've been wondering for a long time about the meaning behind the name
of your newspaper "Head Cheese," and I can only come to the conclusion
that it's some kind of twisted sexual thing. I think that's sick.
Sick, sick, sick, sick.
John Simon (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I gave a little more thought to your name and I now realize that my
theory about the meaning of Head Cheese was probably wrong. Now I
think it's more like "cheesy thoughts that come out of your head," am I
on the right track?
John Simon (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I have a new theory about the meaning of your name - it's Latin, right?
John Simon (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Yet another thought about your name, this time I think I've got it
- Head Cheese in German is "Kopf Kaese," and we all know what that is,
heh heh heh...
John Simon (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Who is a wiener? Who is a looser? It's all relative, isn't
it? And in a way, we are all both weiners and loosers all the time.
John Equivocal (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I really liked Head Cheese 4, especially the Letters to the Editor
section. Those are some good letters, how do you come up with them,
they're so funny. All of them, but especially the one about "all
the articles having the same format," the one about made-up letters to
the editor was funny too.
John Harding (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Your newspaper sucks. None of the stories in Head Cheese 4 were
funny at all. I don't know what you're trying to prove. I can't
believe I missed the Academy Awards ceremony by wasting so much time reading
your stupid site. If you want to be really funny, you should try
to write more in the style of USA Today. Now that's funny!
Brian Babbie (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
I am the mother who jumped to the wrong conclusion in your article
in Head Cheese 4 "Nervous Mother Sees Tissue Packets, Jumps to Wrong Conclusion,"
I just want to say I don't appreciate having fun poked at me. Those
tissue packets really made me almost insane. And what were you trying
to insinuate about the real use for the tissue packets? My little
baby had a cold. What else would he have needed the tissues for,
anyway, you jerks?!
Loretta Sawaguchi (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
We're cat lovers, so naturally we have to take issue with your story
about a childless couple adopting a cat. Judging by the condescending
tone of your article, it seems like you find people who adopt cats rather
freakish, abnormal, etc. I notice you also take the same tone with
average, day-to-day people who just happen to be interested in cloning
themselves. Where do you get off your high horse getting all judgmental
about people like us and the poor cloners out there. Jerks like you
probably buy their clothes at Gap and wear Swatches and listen to heavy
metal music! My husband and I have been thinking of adopting a cat
and we don't feel like we're strange in any way. How dare you write
about cat adopters in such a tone!
Shiela Hildegard (by email)
Dear Head Cheese,
Your magazine is so funny. I especially like the article about
cat adopters and wanna-clones, those articles were so funny. But
what's scary about it is that, although it was intended to be satirical,
there probably really are people like that out there!
John Hildegard (by email)
Other issues of Head Cheese:
Head Cheese 1.
Head Cheese 2.
Head Cheese 3.
Head Cheese 4.
Head Cheese 5.
Head Cheese 6.
Head Cheese 7.
Head Cheese 8.
Head Cheese 9.