Michael Moore Denounces "Fictional" Japanese Weddings - Academy Award filmmaker Michael Moore shocked guests at the Holy Wedding Chapel located in the New Otani Hotel when he stood up and lambasted the ceremony. gThis is a fictional wedding ceremony at fictional church performed by a fictional minister who is reading from a fictional bible while a fictional choir is singing fictional songs .h Moore pointed out that the gChapelh has a hidden video cameras to tape the ceremony and the gministerh is actually an English teacher named Eli Cohen. Moore shocked guests by showing that the gbibleh had photocopied crib sheets or gcunning paperh glued on top of the pages and revealed that the gchoirh was made up of office ladies from JTP travel. Moore's rant was booed by guests after the bride, Suzuki Hanako, 28, ran off in tears. Sources say that Suzuki had been dreaming of this day since seeing an undiclosed Audrey Hepburn movie when she was 11 years old. – with extra reporting by Quentin Quigglesworth.
Sean Lennon Still Not As Famous As Arlo Guthrie – According to reports by leading pop sociologists, aging folk singer Arlo Guthrie, son of folk legend Woody Guthrie and author of the classic gAlicefs Restaurant,h is still considered more famous than Sean Lennon, the son of John Lennon who has never had solo success of any note. Although his father is one of the most famous musicians in the world, Sean Lennon is mostly famous for being famous and doing famous things with other famous people. Guthrie, who has not remained in the public eye in recent years, is still widely regarded for his famous littering anthem gAlicefs Restauranth and its memorable guitar theme. Guthrie did not appear to be gloating in his celebrity ranking. Sources close to Sean Lennon explained that the child star gwasnft too bummed out by it,h consoled perhaps by the fact that he is more famous than both his mother Yoko Ono and half brother Julian Lennon.
Scientists Isolate Female gSilent Ororless Farth Gene – Geneticists in the United Nations genetic research laboratories in a secret location in Kerplachistan announced last week the discovery of the female gene responsible for the gsilent odorlessh fart. Scientists have long known that although women fart just as men do, their flatulations are nearly always silent and odorless. gOur breakthrough came quite unexpectedly, as they often do,h explained research scientist Brad Palmerston, gand there has been much rejoicing among the team. Now we hope to use the gene therapy to help men become less stinky and noisy when they fart. This has been a problem since the dawn of time, and we hope that a general improvement in the air will improve human relations, decrease the incidence of divorce, help neighbors live in harmony, and, uh, bring peace to the world. You know, groovy shit like that.h
Tall Japanese Escapes Unnoticed – Commuters on the Hankyu train last week were shocked and amazed to see two very tall gaijin aboard the train. Brian Standard and Phillip Groan, both over six feet tall, were quite accustomed to being stared at in public, feigned indifference and allowed bored expressions to grow on their faces while giving each other knowing goh no not this againh looks. Unnoticed by either Standard and Groan and the other commuters was Yamazaki Kazuo, a Kansai Gaidai university student who, at 185 cm., was just as tall as Mr. Standard and slightly taller than Mr. Groan. gSome people notice that I am pretty tall,h Yamazaki told reporters, gbut I mostly go unnoticed. Once this really short foreigner came up to me and said to me in a shocked voice esega takai dessine!!If That was pretty weird, actually.h
Bush Sells Dixie Chicks CDs on Ebay – After the Dixie Chicks fracas during their London concert and their forced public kowtowing to authority, repercussions shocked through Nashville, Memphis, even New York. Mountains of their records were bulldozed, and eBay was flooded with cut rate copies of used CDs, now unwanted by their original owners. Sources close to the President have indicated that he himself has also placed all of his copies of their best-selling CDs on the market, as well as those belonging to his daughters. gThe President is not interested in listening to music made by people who have insulted him personally, much less are traitors to the state,h the source explained. gBesides, he needs the money to pick up the new Shania Twain single.h
Entire Nation Convinced It Is Threatened By People On The Other Side Of The Planet – A large nation in the northern hemisphere has recently become convinced that an oil-rich nation on the other side of the world, thousands and thousands of miles away, presents the greatest threat to its safety of its people and their interests. Both nations are really far apart. The people from either nation almost never come together, because they just live so very very far apart. Their cultures have very little in common, because there is so much space between them. They really have almost nothing in common. Most people in the threatened nation would not even be able to find the other nation on a map if werenft constantly being shown in the media. Oh well, things like this happen.
Handsome White Male Seeks Cute Japanese Female For Fun And Romance – Maybe a little dinner and a movie, afterwards – if things are going well – a little tenderness and romance. HWM has been in Japan for some time and knows all the right things to say to JF to make her feel important. After he tires of her, though, he will never call her again.
Multiply By Zero, Divide By Infinity – Mathematicians have discovered that multiplying a number by zero creates a zero, while dividing a number by infinity will also create a zero. Why this is nobody knows just yet.
Japanese Commuter Wonders Why Foreigners Donft Look At Themselves In Mirror – Riding the Midosuji line in busy rush hour traffic every day, office worker Kiki Sakahara usually just barely has enough elbow room to pull out her portable folding make-up mirror to check herself as often as she needs to during her commute to work. Luckily, stations also provide mirrors near the turnstiles so that she can get a bigger view of the state of her appearance. But over the years, Kiki has slowly observed that foreigners donft look at themselves in the mirror at all. gI used to always see these English teachers going to work in the mornings,h explained Ms. Sakahara, herself a student of several English conversation schools. gOne of them was really beautiful, but she didnft even look at her face in the mirror once, not even to touch up her mascara! And some of the ladies were kind of fat and plain looking, they must have been totally self-conscious over the poor state of their appearances, but they didnft look at their foundation in the mirror either. Actually, they didnft seem to even have any foundation on – I guess itfs because they have such nice skin anyway. I used to see a couple of foreign guys check themselves in the mirror, but I think they were fags.h
Materialistic Westerner Criticizes Materialistic Japanese – Last night in Sam and Daves in Umeda, a large table of slightly inebriated materialistic westerners sat drinking expensive cocktails and poking fun at the materialism of the Japanese. gThe Japanese are so materialistic,h said materialistic English teacher Sarah Schanelle as she fondled her new Cartier watch, a present from herself for her 24th birthday. gAll they think about is label label label, brand brand brand. I mean, I like to have good stuff too, but at least I donft keep the paper bag it came in and parade all over town in it!h gOh, yeah, youfre much better than they are,h agreed her friend Sally Streams as she played with her heavy 24 karat gold necklace. gThey donft even really look good in the clothes, except the odd woman who actually has hips. And check out the huge SUVs on the tiny narrow roads. How pathetic. At least back home we have wide roads – there it makes sense to ride in style.h The conversation continued for some time. Neither woman has any Japanese friends. Both went home alone.
Line From Movie Just Doesnft Make Sense – Local film connoisseurs were bemused, then confused by bizarre B –movie dialogue that gjust doesnft make sense.h Thirty gaijin were watching infamous monster flick gthe Mansterh (starring a young Yul Brynner), when the soon-to-be-infmamous line was uttered. gThis one guy is a sort of a square, pipe smoking type of guy,h explains film viewer Quentin Quigglesworth, gthen he meets this perky, well-dressed married woman he hasnft seen for a long time and she says eyou look as young as you ever did.f We all laughed, then we stopped and wondered if it made any sense. I donft know, what do you suppose she was really trying to say?h
Japanese Amazed At Foreignerfs Chopstick Dexterity – Crowds of Japanese gathered around resident gaijin Joe Plemborn in the Ikedaya Izakaya in Ikeda last week and marveled at his amazing chopstrick dexterity. gHashi josu dessine!h an astonished man exclaimed to the visibly embarrassed Plemborn. gThank you,h Plemborn mumbled, and tried to continue eating his meal.
Japanese Amazed At Foreignerfs Large Feet – Crowds of Japanese gathered around resident gaijin Sam Littenhouse at a friendly gathering of friends in the Ikedaya Izakaya in Ikeda last week and marveled at his incredibly large feet. gAshi dekai, dessine!h exclaimed class clown Hidetaka gHidetanh Horii, an amazed classmate of Littenhousefs girlfriend Yumiko, to the other members of the former high school classmates. gThank you,h Littenhouse mumbled, as he tried to console his embarrassed girlfriend whose face was turning red. gAnd you know what that means,h Hidetan said confidentially to fellow merrymaker Masayuki gMasentanh Hashimoto, as he elbowed him in the ribs.
Japanese Amazed At Foreignerfs Foreigner Can Eat Japanese Food – Crowds gathered around resident gaijin Lilinda Mettlebottom at a wedding reception in Ikeda last week and marveled at her ability to eat Japanese foods. Observing Mettlebottom place a piece of succulent maguro sashimi in her mouth after properly dipping the tip in a mixture of soy sauce and wasabi, the amazed wedding guests let out as gasp as they saw her try a piece of tororo mountain potato. gCan you eat natto,h the astonished Junko Machida asked Mettlebottom. gHow about sushi? Soba? Tempura? Shrimp? Tuna? Konyaku? Raw horse meat? Whale? Bear? Deer?h A murmur rose when Mettlebottom answered in the affirmative to these questions, along with several exclamations of disbelief such as gUSO!!h and gMaji-DE?!h An ambulance had to be called to rush shocked wedding guest Buriko Maniamoto, overwhelmed by reverse culture shock, as she fainted and smashed her head on the edge of a table.
Japanese Amazed Foreigner Knows More About Japan Than They Do – Crowds gathered around resident gaijin Franken Bettmass at a local drinking hole as it was discovered that the English teacher knew more about Japan than most of them did. Able to name all of the current and former members of SMAP and Tokio, 4-year resident Bettmass also claimed to be a fan of music groups that the aging salarymen pub regulars had never heard of, to have seen Japanese films they had never seen, and to have read novels by famous Japanese writers that they knew of by name only. gThis guy seems to be pretty interested in Japan,h regular patron Mitchikata Yuji told reporters, gbut he really doesnft know much about baseball. And besides – how much credit can you give to a guy who chooses to live in a country other than his own?h
Japanese Language Speeding Towards Total Ambiguity – Linguists and sociologists are expressing their alarm as findings report that the Japanese language is speeding towards total ambiguity. This could spell disaster for the worldfs second largest economy, as well as the world as a whole. gWhat wefve got here is failure to communicate,h explains Asian-languages expert linguist Frank Frankens. gAlthough there is a place for the subject and verb in the Japanese language, kids these days are too lazy to use them. Then there is the rising tone that usually indicates a question is now being used for just plain statements. Nobody understands the point another person is trying to make; and so you get what we have here today, which is failure to communicate.h Frankens also mentions that the language itself isnft entirely to blame, as the general lack of street names leads to acute confusion when explaining directions. Most Japanese these days communicate by cell phone-based emails. gA picture is worth a thousand words,h explains bored commuter and cell phone user Mariko Makino, gso I just say it all with an emoticon.h Scientists estimate that by the year 2025, nobody in Japan will be able to understand each other at all.
Non-American Checks Internet Home Page – Swedish web surfer Bjorn Christensen was shocked yesterday when he realized that nine of the last ten websites he looked at during a break at work were clearly intended for American viewers. gLike, all these sites I saw made reference to TV shows that any American with cable can watch,h said Christensen. gThere were all these statements like ethis is the best album ever released in the States,f or eany American should own this album.f Itfs all kind of weird reading it if you are not American yourself.h
Billionairefs Ex-Mistress Now Rides Subway – Passengers of the JR Osaka loop line were amazed yesterday to see Mariko Yamaguchi, ex-mistress of billionaire Kamekichi Hashimoto, board the train at Sakuranomiya station. Carrying an expensive Berkin bag, valued at over 10,000 dollars, and with diamond and ruby-encrusted jewelry dripping off of her wrists and fingers, Ms. Yamaguchi was tastefully dressed head to toe in the latest Chanel designs and looked stunning as she tapped out phone messages on a flashy new cell phone with her 5 cm nail extensions. Recently abandoned by her sugar daddy, the 24-year-old former fashion college student has found herself on hard times and has resorted to public transportation. gWhen I was dating Sparky, I used to only take cabs,h explained Ms. Yamaguchi, gI even had a personal driver for a couple of weeks a few years ago. But when a girl gets older, shefs got to count her yen carefully, no more wanton spending on things like taxis – it costs money to look this good. And at 24, Ifm nearly over the hill – who knows if I still have what it takes to rope in a new billionaire!h
Media Lies Appeal To Viewer Vanity - Recent media gwide showsh in Japan have begun to appeal to viewer vanity even more than ever before, now reaching a point where they have to bend the truth in order to keep viewers watching. With the appeal of phony survivor shows that set teenage wannabes loose in Central Asia with nothing but a toothbrush and a 100 yen coin, TV execs realize that the gullibility of the viewing public can be pushed to even greater extremes, even with gfact-basedh daily living shows. gThe Japanese have been inspecting their eJapanese-nessf for decades, and it has been challenging for us to come up with new themes to explore,h explains TV producer. gLuckily, blatant lying and manipulation is still an option, such as when we ediscoveredf that only Japanese suffer from ekatakorif, or stiff shoulders. I know most people found that difficult to swallow, but people here took point in pride that in this respect they were suffering alone – from an international perspective! Other successful lies wefve managed to fob off on people is the inspection of how Japanfs four seasons are different from the seasons of other people in the world, how the Japanese brain has different eenergy flowsf from the brains of people of other races in the world, and how only Japanese have hard, brittle earwax – other races seem to only have gooey earwax. So far we have been lucky and nobody has exposed us by disproving these theories since most just assume that anything that is reported has to be thoroughly researched by omniscient staff writers, although you do hear the occasional grumble from someone who has spent time abroad. Most individuals just canft be bothered to stand up to a media giant.
Hamasaki Ayumi Unveils New Lesbian Clone Look – Patrons of the nations record stores were amazed last week when local pop diva unveiled her new lesbian clone look. The newly released and imaginatively titled gBallad Singlesh CD showed Ms. Hamasaki lying in bed, cheeks flushed with passion, in an embrace withc herself. The clone look is not an entirely new one, as it has been used by vain Hollywood stars Arnold Schwartzenegger and Michael Keaton, but this is the fist time in recent record that a pop star has actually been seen kissing herself. gItfs no secret that women in Japan like to admire themselves in the mirror,h explains record executive Matsuya Horikawa, gand vanity is kind of institutionalized here, but Ms. Hamasaki has the money and influence to actually realize her innermost fantasy. She has cut ties with all of her male and female consorts and has been locked up in a hotel for over a week with her new clone lover. At the height of her popularity, it is really only a major trendsetter like Ms. Hamazaki who can pull off such a bold new look. The effects are already evident in the number of hits cloning sites around the world have been receiving from Japanese search engines, and the interest expressed, mostly by female applicants, in cloning services in aesthetic salons the nation over.h
99% Of Canadians Don't Know Who Freed The Slaves – With statistics showing the declining proficiency scores by students alarming parents and government officials alike, a recent survey has shown that over 99% of Canadian students donft know who freed the slaves. The survey, conducted by StatistiCan, found high school and university participants offering a variety of answers ranging from Sir Wilfred Laurier for his efforts in the First World War, to William Lyon Mackenzie King for his efforts during his long term in office, to Pierre Trudeau for lifting the Emergency Measures Act following the FLQ Crisis of 1972, to Margaret Trudeau for her work on sexual liberation when she was a groupie for the Rolling Stones and leading diplomacy in hippy communes in Africa, to Brian Mulroney for his work on the Meech Lake Accord, to Norman Bethune for his work providing free medical care to the Peoplefs Liberation Army during the Chinese civil war or 1945 to 1948. Some applicants even indicated George Washington, a non-Canadian, for his help in freeing the white settlers of the Thirteen Colonies from the slavery of their British oppressors, who were the British administrators and loyalists of the British colonial area that nearly 100 years later became the first Canadians! StatistiCan was unable to reveal numerically how many students knew the correct answer to who freed the slaves, claiming that it is impossible statistically for 100% of applicants to not know the answer. gCertainly at least 1% of the students asked must actually know the answer,h explained StatistiCan researcher Rodney Hawking, geven if they actually wrote another answer on the sheet.h
Japanese Steal White Culture, Put Yellow Face On It – With another record-breaking year of record sales, critics of the Japanese record industry have pointed out its insistence in developing their own musical acts instead of importing best-selling bands from abroad is not only an isolationist policy with nationalistic motives, but it is also a form of cultural theft with Japanese musicians stealing white culture from America and selling it as their own. gJapan has a long history of its own music,h says sociologist and music executive Servio Venios, glike the Okinawan jamisen music, minyo, and other festival music, but this isnft what sells the most records today. No, these are the sounds that Japanese artists have directly stolen from white artists and put a yellow face on. For example, just look at all the Japanese rappers blatantly ripping off the white rap sounds of Eminem and Ice Tea. Even rockinf rappers like Mad Capsule Markets took their cue at first from the Beastie Boys before they developed their sound in other directions. And look at all the soul artists like Misia and UA who are directly ripping off white divas like Celine Dion and Mariah Carey. Itfs really shocking. And then when internationally acclaimed acts tour Japan, they can barely sell out ten thousand seat venues any more. Itfs not worth it to come over and eat take-out food for the small concert returns, and with all the music being downloaded off the internet groups like U2 can barely even break even, here or overseas. Itfs a sick world that our record executivesf children will inherit. I think the Bush administration should do something about solving this trade deficit. I think that popping the bubble to retaliate for the automobile trade surplus wasnft radical enough, but I know our friends in the White House have some pretty good ideas, so most of us in the record industry are feeling a little optimistic. Look what happened to the Dixie Chicks!h
Half of Japan's Elderly Technically Dwarves – Surveys of the elderly population of Japan has discovered that nearly half of Japanfs elderly can technically considered dwarves. A dwarf, or little person, has been technically described as a little person, that is an adult with adult proportions but gof a childfs height,h or under four feet tall. Not that this means anything, it just means that sometimes you see someone from a distance and assume that they are at least five fee tall, then when you get close you find that they are only four feet tall and it totally plays with your mind, you know?
9 out of 10 Urban Women Now Impeccable Dressed – An informal fashion survey conducted at heavily-traveled urban transit hubs in Tokyo, Nagoya, and Osaka has discovered that at least 9 out of 10 urban woman are at any given moment impeccably dressed. With polished shoes, new nylons, skirts just the right length and wrinkle-free, perfectly (re-)applied make-up, no eyeglasses and not a single hair out-of-place, nearly every woman that passed by research stations could be considered by any standard impeccably dressed and gphoto spread perfect.h Due to the mobility of twenty-something live-at-home career women putting off marriage to a later date and their high percentage of monthly disposable income, nearly every woman seen downtown has all the time, resources, and inclination to make herself as perfect as possible – this is the story that has been hammered into us endlessly by the western media, and it is true!! gWomen these days wonft stand for anything less than absolute physical perfection and total integrity,h explains fashion observer and NOVA English teacher Josh Wardnikkson, gwhich is why there are so many total babes here in Japan. Like, even after working twelve hours in some cramped office, these women look fresh as the morning dew when they stumble off the train after midnight after spending a few hours drinking in the Pig with guys like me. Just amazing. Just, absolutely, totally amazing. Wow.h
Guy loses Entire Music and Video Library When Hard Drive Crashes – Josh Barnardson nearly lost his mind yesterday morning when he discovered that a computer crash had wiped out his entire music and video library. The crash, which occurred at 3:30 AM when Barnardson was downloading a twenty minute-long porn video clip, wiped out hundreds of CDs that he had burned from friends, plus over a thousand songs that he had downloaded for free from the internet over several months.
Subway Rider Picks Nose When Nobody Is Looking – John Head picked his nose during rush hour yesterday on the crowded Midosuji line yesterday. First looking casually to his right and left, Head made certain that nobody was looking first. gPicking my nose has become a subconscious thing for me, actually,h Head explained, gbut I still have to make sure that none of the babes Ifm trying to make eye contact with notices what Ifm doing. I know I will probably never see any of them again in my life, but I wouldnft want any of them to think Ifm a nose-picker!h
Guy With Marajuana Leaf T-Shirt NOT A Stoner – Police yesterday stopped a 22-year-old man driving a van with a large pot plant logo tire cover and held him for five minutes for questioning before letting him go on his way. Lance Jacobs, who was also wearing a marijuana leaf t-shirt and a marijuana logo headband and listening to Pink Floyd on the radio denied all accusations that he was indeed a stoner. gLike, the pigs figure that if they see a white kid driving a van hefs got to be a stoner. I just like the way the pot leaf looks, you know, the symmetry and all that. Well, I suppose most leaves are symmetrical, but the pot leaf is pretty cool still. Sure, I listen to a lot of psychadelic music – Pink Floyd, Hawkwind, Monster Magnet – and some heavy metal – like AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, White Zombie, Monster Magnet – but I never actually smoke the stuff myself.h Shaking his head and muttering about intolerance and injustice in the world, Jacobs explained gactually, Ifm hooked on speed,h before driving off towards downtown.
Cats and Dogs Fall From Sky – Yesterday in areas around the States, dozens of people claimed that it was raining so hard that it was gliterally raining cats and dogs.h While it seems hard for us to imagine, if somebody said it, then it must be true. Because nobody overuses the word literally. You literally have to force someone at gunpoint to use the word gliterallyh for extra added emphatic stressed emphasis.
Kimutaku – Japanfs John Bon Jovi – Ask anyone to point out Japanfs Bon Jovi figure and everybody will point at the band SMAP and itfs iconic leading figure Kimura Takuya. The hair, the jeans, the eyes, the charming smile, the budding acting career, the bad singing and horrible dancing. Yep, if Japan has a Bon Jovi, then Kimutaku is it!
Jazz No Longer Considered Decadent – Considered decadent for over fifty years by the cultural dictators of the media, jazz music has finally become respectable at beatnicks infiltrate all levels of the government and into the highest levels of the media, driving ticket prices into the hundred dollar range and keeping aging junkie musicians alive well beyond the age when they should by all rights be dead. gJazz was once considered the devilfs music,h explains musicologist John Smith, gbut now there are new sorts of devilfs music and jazz hardly seems that bad any more. Jazz musicians certainly never went around performing black masses onstage, cutting up sheep, drinking blood. That is all done nowadays at heavy metal and rap concerts, so jazz seems pretty tame now. There was a time, though, when worried fathers wouldnft let their daughters out of the house when jazz acts were in town for fear that the mere gaze of the musicians themselves would be enough to impregnate them! Jazz is now so thoroughly institutional that former rap and metal artists that want to clean up their acts decide to become jazz musicians. And one need look no farther than Ozzy Osbourne to see that.h
Old Bandfs New Album Best Since Last Commercial Success – This band has just released a new album, and it is their most accessible release of the decade. In fact, it is their best release since their last really excellent release of a few years back. Way to go guys. Release another one like this and Ifll send in an updated version of this same review!
Ugly Beckham Hair Still Popular One Year After End Of World Cup – Nishinomiya, Japan. Nearly one year after the end of the world cup, David Beckhamfs ugly upside-down ducktail haircut/false mohican haircut can still be seen occasionally on the streets of this town. Defying all fashion sense, one percent of all children who sported the haircut a year ago still wear the same haircut to this day, even long after Beckham himself changed it and a full millennium after it was actually for a millisecond a trendy cut to sport. gDavid Beckham is a great football player,h explains Yuji Kotaroho, proud wearer of the aforementioned hairstyle, gbut it is his haircut that really shocked the world. And some day when I grow up I too want to shock the world with this haircut. That is why I want to always look like Beckham and be shocking.h
World's First X-Rated Commercial – NBC TV this week will launch the worldfs first X-rated commercial. The commercial for Calvin Klein jeans will feature porn star Jenna James and friend-to-the-porn-industry and former actor Charlie Sheen and will show during a prime-time episode of Friends. The episode, entitled gFinally: Group Sex,h will be thematically linked to the commercial, which will show both oral and vaginal sex. gMs. James and Mr. Sheen have the look we wanted for this type of commercial,h says advertising executive Carla Ross, gand when we realized that nobody had ever made a commercial X-rated before we decided we had better get on the ball with it before everybody is doing it. No pun intended. No, waitc actually I think I did intend to make a pun there.h Ms. Ross may be incorrect in her estimations that the commercial will be the first to be X-rated since she has conveniently overlooked the 1979 Levis ad featuring Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Berkin.
Superpower Acts Like Spoiled Child – In the opening years of the new millennium one of the earthfs superpowers, some would say the only superpower, has begun acting like a spoiled child. First the spoiled child superpower withdrew from several important anti-war and pro-environment treaties, then it began picking fights with nations on the other side of the globe and bullying its friends to support it right or wrong. After reducing complicated issues to simple black and white terms, many people around the world began to wonder what type of hissy fit the superpower would take next, or who it would falsely accuse of having the cooties. gWhen I was a kid there was this boy that reminds me exactly of this superpower,h explains French ambassador to the U.N. gHe used to always piss people off, yet for some reason he was quite popular on the schoolyard. I could never understand why. Then one day he was gone – his father had been transferred to another town and his family had to move. I wonder if that is what is going to happen in this case as well?h
Motto "Sweets For My Sweet, Sugar For My Honey" Makes Girlfriend Diabetic – Learning the ways of love from pop songs has been a rite of passage for the last fifty years, but it is not every song that will make a loved one become diabetic. And yet, the song gSweets for my sweeth is just such a song. The classic refrain gsweets for my sweet, sugar for my honeyh is more than enough to convince any aspiring love to load up on candy and honey-laden goods for the intended lover, who will eventually bloat and develop weight- and sugar intake-related stress maladies such as diabetes and other illnesses. gObesity and diabetes is on the rise in this country, and by that I obviously mean the United States of America,h explains health worker Tina Young. gAnd it is songs like this that only make the problem worse. There is more work for us in the hospitals, and more people are getting fat and ugly and unhappy and unmarried without anybody that loves them anymore and dying younger. Itfs really a sad world we live in. Here we are – won the cold war, richest country in the world, most opportunities, best prison system in the world, and no way to enjoy it because we are sitting on our fat asses watching TV and injecting insulin. Sad, sad, sadc
Only In The Movies: Language No Barrier Because Everybody Speaks English – Only a small percentage of the people of the earth speak even a few English phrases, but in the movies itfs a different story – every Chinese peasant or Central American shopkeeper can speak enough English, albeit with a stilted accent, to help any stray movie star get by in any part of their respective countries. Isnft it great how God, or some other power, can bring together famous movie stars and the only person for miles who can speak a word of English. Funny how that works, isnft it?
Ancient Records Show Pre-Millennial Fear in Year 1 BCE – With the fears of a millennium bug and hysteria having proven misleading, letfs look back at other millennial hoaxes. Over the ages it has not only been the Jehovahfs Witnesses who have predicted an end of the world that never came, but 1000 years ago the sects of the Druids and Celtic Frost-bringers. Ancient records, discovered recently in ancient pagan settlements in modern-day Kerplachistan have shown that pre-millenial fear was especially acute in the year 1 BCE. gAlthough not many people actually knew of the upcoming birth of the Christ child in a manger in Nazareth, many were aware of a etime of the millennium-kinda-feeling,fh explains famed eschatological scholar Brian Buddings. gThe signs were all there, the soothsayers were all predicting fearful things, there was hunger and famine and disease and the masses were ignorant. It was millennial fever quite similar to what we experienced in the late nineties with all the preparations for the millennial bug that never happened. But 2000 years ago, people went to their graves assured that it was going to happen any second. And life continued in that vein for thousands and thousands of years. And it is still like that to this day – even if it is not the millennium, the world will end, but every now and then it actually is the millennium. And then the world is going to end.h
Multi-Platinum Recording Artist Actually Cares What Critics Think – Although most recording stars are much to aloof about their careers to bother to pay attention to what critics write about them, multi-platinum recording artist Fred Durst of the nu-meatal band Limmp Biscuit is not among them. Durst cares what critics take the time to write about him and he dutifully reads the reviews of his concerts and CDs and other public appearances that a clipping service sends him. gCritics have a lot to say,h says Durst, gand I can learn a lot about them. For example, last year one guy wrote that the songs on our last album were OK, but that they lacked a bit of oomph. Well, this year we not only have a new guitarist to replace the chimpanzee we used to have, but we will also introduce a full orchestra – yes, an orchestra, and one that is twice as big as the one that Metallica used on their stupid eS&Mf release. Hah!h
Roads Too Narrow For 2-Way Traffic Declared Bicycle and Pedestrian Zones, Cars Now Illegal To Drive Practically Anywhere – A massive overhaul of Japanfs traffic and zoning laws has led to most streets being closed to all car traffic. The new law, which states that all roads must be wide enough to accommodate two lanes of traffic, has rendered more than 75% of Japanfs roads bicycle and pedestrian zones. gWe developed these strict laws because too many people were driving their massive trucks, these esoovf or eseevf four-wheel-drive urban vehicles, down the narrow roads and blocking each other, especially when there was problems getting around cars and other trucks parked on both sides of the street. And in the past, roads that were only really one-and-a-half lanes wide were considered two lane roads. This led to a lot of problems. Now we have decided that closing all but the widest roads to car traffic will help us reduce oil consumption – about a million barrels a day. Seems like a good idea, so wefre going to try it for a while and see how it works out.
Bald Guy's Nickname is "Curly" – Larry Morris may be bald, but this doesnft stop him and his friends from fantasizing ironically that he has a full head of glorious, curly hair. As a result he calls himself gCurlyh and asks others to do the same. gI was never fond of the name eLarry,fh explains Morris. gCurly is funny and ironic and always gets a smile. I pick a lot of chicks this way. People are usually prejudiced towards the folically-challenged like myself, so we need all the help we can get. I know a dozen other bald men who have hair-related nicknames. Itfs fun. You should shave your head some time and try it too – itfs a gas.h
New Leonard Cohen Album "Famous Green Sweater," Features Song "Kurt Cobain Afterworld" – Capitol Records announced yesterday its plans to release a bootleg of unreleased Leonard Cohen songs, originally performed by the singer at an after-hours party backstage. The release, to be titled gHead On An Unmade Bedh will include the never-before-released songs gFamous Green Sweaterh and gKurt Cobain Afterworldh that the famous Canadian made up on the spot in tribute to the Nirvana lead singer who had just recently accidentally killed himself while attempting to clean a shotgun while drunk. gThe quality of the recordings is quite good,h says Capitol spokesman Barney Fallows, galthough Leonard and everybody present was drunk out of their minds. Itfs pretty interesting, but more of interest to collectors and fans than neophyte listeners.h
Sweaty Pits Coming Back Into Fashion – The fashion barometers of London and Paris are now reporting what ten years ago scarcely anyone would dare believe – that sweaty armpits are coming back into fashion. The sweaty pits, once the curse of fat white men and manual laborers, are so trendy now that the most expensive haute couture houses are producing silk shirts with material dyed a darker shade under the armpits to produce a gsweaty pit effecth even without and actual perspiration. gOff the rack sweat is what we call it,h explains Chanel designer Viva Reynolds, gand itfs sure to be all the rage for the next two or three weeks. Ifve had mine since last Tuesday, but that is because I work in the industry.h
Bleeding Heart Liberal Satire Writer Stops Grieving For Timothy McVeigh Long Enough To Write Satire Article – Tasteless satirist and bleeding heart liberal Johnathan Meadows stopped grieving over the senseless state-sponsored execution/hmurderh of Timothy McVeigh just long enough last Monday to write a satire article attacking it. The government, mentioned specifically in the article, has refused comment.
Hollywood Film Testament To The Fact That Westerners Do It Too – Viewers of the late e80s Nicholas Cage movie gVampirefs Kissh were shocked last week to discover that it is not only Japanese commuters who vainly sit on trains and apply make-up from hand mirrors, but western women do it as well. The scene in an elevator shows a woman using the reflection of a shiny metal elevator door as a mirror to touch up her lipstick instantly brought to mind similar scenes seen endlessly all across Japan and other Asian countries. gWe were pretty shocked to see it,h says viewer Brian Bumbit, gbut I guess I now remember a lot of my classmates back home were pretty vain too. Watching the movie was pretty interesting – at times we could see how drivers would park in really dumb places in the city, or drive through zebra crossings when pedestrians were trying to cross, all things that you see here regularly. I guess we just forgot that people back home arenft immune from doing stupid things either.h
Can A Fluorescent Tube Still Be a Light "Bulb"? – Debate is raging across America about whether tube-like fluorescent light gbulbsh should in fact be referred to by other names more accurate in describing their true tube-like shape. General Electric is considering adopting the term gglow tubeh, while Philips has applied glight rodh for copyright protection. gWe feel that a bulb should be pear- or onion-shaped,h says GE spokesman John Whelcher, gor like a tulip bulb. That is why light bulbs are called that. Hey, thatfs right – we could call it a glow onion instead of a light bulb!h
Pocket Mirror Urban Myths Multiply – In the land that created the urban myth comes a whole new genre of urban myths: pocket mirrors! The ubiquitous folding pocket mirror is mandatory life equiptment for anyone under thirty and most over thirty and being unable to look at your reflection in the mirror is a fate worse than being dragged naked through the streets. But with a new rash of urban myths to accompany its use, more and more fashionable young women and men are finding themselves reluctant to even use them. Among the myths are the one where the train bumps and shatters the mirror, the girl scarred for life; the stigma of rumors that girls who use mirrors are ugly under their make-up; or a girl sees ghosts in mirror, imagines "debu" and "busu" on the posters behind her... gA friend of mine says she knew someone whose face was totally scarred after a mishap on the Midosuji line,h claims trendy chick Mari Matsuhara. gAnd once I was looking in the mirror and I saw this hairy gaijin staring at me making faces!! It was horrible.h
Local Gaijin Doesn't Know Who Sam and Dave Are, Lawson Are – John Forbeson, a recently arrived expat English teacher, has found himself the laughing stock of the local gaijin community by displaying his ignorance of local lore. Forbeson, a recent graduate of Yale University psychology department, has only been here a week and is ready to admit that he is a little out of it. gOk, sure Ifm a little out of it,h Forbeson told reporters, gbut all I did was ask a guy I met in my first night here in the gaijin mansion who Lawson is. I mean, I keep hearing about this guy Lawson, and I really wanna know who the hell this guy is. Ditto for Sam and Dave. The only Sam and Dave I know are the singing guys, but people keep talking about Sam and Dave as if they are alive. Like everybody seems to be friends with these Sam and Dave fellows and are always talking about going over to their house. eLetfs go over to gSam and Davefsh tonight,f I keep hearing. I just donft get it.h
Man Suffers From Reverse Deja-vu – John Wilkinson, para-anthropologist, believes he has coined a new phrase in the term greverse deja-vu.h He also believes he himself is suffering from it. The condition, previously unknown to scientists, afflicts nearly ever single living human being claims Wilkinson, who recently held a press conference to explain the term. gReverse deja-vu can take many forms,h explains Wilkinson, gand it is safe to say that every living person suffers from it. One form is the condition of someone experiencing a situation that is new and seems unfamiliar. Another form is a situation in which a person experiences a new situation that doesnft seem familiar, yet they suffer the lingering suspicion that it should! A final form is undefined at this moment, but I believe that I will be able to pin it down if I can get over this lingering feeling of malaise. The main thing is, however, that once we have isolated the condition itself, we can begin to start looking for a cure.h Notoble figures from many different fields of pseudo-science have teamed up in renouncing Wilkinsonfs findings as gpreposterous.h
Kiefer Sutherland Signed For Canadian Remake of Vanilla Sky – Just weeks before filming is due to start on the Canadian remake of Cameron Crowefs recent masterpiece Vanilla Sky, Canadian production company Manic Maritime Productions has announced that it has signed Canadian acting star Keifer Sutherland, son of Donald and former fiancée of Julia Roberts, to play the main role. Mr. Sutherland, who just barely beat out fellow Canadian actors Keanu Reeves and Michael J. Fox for the role, was pleased with the studiofs choice. gVanilla Sky was a great film,h said Sutherland, gand I canft wait to see it get the Canadian treatment. I think that we in the great white north have a lot to add to the field of manipulative film, and I believe that our director, Mr. Norman Jewison, is just the man to do the job. Margot Kidder will be great in the Penelope Cruz role, and Sarah Polley in the Cameron Diaz role. Great. Great. Great. And lucky me, making a human sandwich with the two of them!h
Secret Identity Crisis – Superman is apparently having a secret identity crisis. gI donft want to be Clark Kent any more. How can anybody believe that a meek reporter can be so totally musclebound. All those fake situations where I have to protect my secret identity – puh-leeeze!h Batman is also having a secret identity crisis. gI donft get it, why canft I be a multi-millionaire and wear a mask at the same time?!h All around the world, the most famous super heroes are suffering identity crises. The crisis could become a disaster if our superheroes are in no physical condition to protect us from super-villains, who donft appear to be suffering from similar crises of their own. gIt is bad enough when a person has a mid-life crisis or regular identity crisis,h explains famed psychologist Viktor Von Doom, gbut it is worse when a super-member is involved. It is obvious that these heroes should do what Thor did – just abandon his Blake Edwards lame and meek doctor secret identity and be himself. Even the Hulk, that split personality freak, managed to do it for a while. Brucec Clarkc I urge you to let go of your inner geek and just be your real selves.h Superman, Batman, and all other superbeings suffering secret identity crises are urged to call 1-800-JERKOFFS, or check www.jerkoffs.com for more information.
Full Service SSS Parlor Opens To Incredible Success – Last month, a new chain of nation-wide shit/shower/shave parlors opened to resounding success, mass response, and great critical acclaim. The parlors, which feature a young female staff, have taken their inspiration from the old-style service of old Japanese traditional SSS inns, yet revamped the atmosphere by piping in pachinko sounds, amphetamine-vapors, and offering everything at low costs. gThe new SSS parlor is in the spirit of deflation where customers are offered more and at lower prices,h says SSSy-land manager Marihito Yoshitomiyaga. gIt also demands that the staff bend further backwards and take lower pay, have less job security, and a dimmer view of the future. We have been greatly inspired by other chains that have had similar successes using the same techniques.h
Okayama's Only SSS Parlor Closes After 30 Years – After over thirty years of offering Okayama residents a vigorous shit/shower/shave service, Okayamafs last SSS parlor closes. The Matsuya SSS Salon, run by aging brothers Morihito and Matsuhito Matsuya, has been the favorite morning hangout of such famous Okayama residents as Yoshifumi Norihige, Ashitasa Matsuyama, and Morinami Nanahoto, all deceased members of the legendary Nanadana-wowwow comedy troupe, now disbanded. gThe Matsuya was a little run down,h says former regular Yoshinori Makifumi, retired plumber (74), gbut it had a lot of heart. Mori and Matsu were like brothers to me. I donft even know how to SSS properly myself any more,h Morinama-kun said, sniffing in self-pity.
Closing Credits Completely Unintelligible – Viewers of the closing credits of many of last yearfs video releases have found the closing credits completely unintelligible. The credits, which include important information about the production of the films, is so small as to appear completely grainy and are nearly impossible to make out. gLike, I wanted to see who the gaffer of eDonnie Darkof was,h says Osaka resident, language teacher, and video enthusiast Frank Hendricks. gI used to work on films in Vancouver as a gaffer myself, and I really like John Stretholmfs work a lot, and I thought I recognized it in Donnie Darko, which really surprised me, because I thought John was working on eBoys Donft Cryf around the time that eDonnie Darkof was being filmed. But I couldnft make it out in the credits. It makes me wish I had splurged and seen DD in the theaters, there it would have been easier to make out. This happens all the time. I always want to know who does the songs I hear in the soundtrack, but it is so hard to make anything out, I wonder why I even bother.h
Hundreds of Reviewers Take M:I-2 Seriously – Entertainment industry watchers were amused last year as they watched hundreds of film reviewers outdo themselves in trying to find something praiseworthy of the ridiculous chop-socky action sequel gMission Impossible 2h seriously. The astoundingly ridiculous sequel to a poorly manufactured hack remake of a mediocre film series is not only one of the most unnecessary sequels of all time, it is also possible one of the worst films ever. gFilm reviewers were bending over backwards trying to find good things to say about it,h explains film criticism watchdog Penelope Dengles, chairman and chief executive of www.whocritiquesthethecritics.com, gtelling readers which points it improved on the first film which, letfs face it, had been over-made by a director who is overrated at best, a tiresome cornball hoax of a movie. Their main point was obviously the director of the film, John Woo, who up until that point had a pretty good track record. Most people didnft even realize what a stinker it was and actually went and sat through two hours of horrible garbage. I mean it had all the same corny masks, the stupid cliff scene at the beginning, and those barfy Tom Cruise round kicks? He is so obviously not a champion kick boxer. Amazing that the guy took the film so seriously that it went way beyond the shooting schedule with Tom fine-tuning the film infinitely like he was Stanley Kubrick himself. Imagine Kubrick working on the Mission Impossible sequel? Hilarious. And the funny thing is that I think most of those critics were actually convinced themselves that the movie had some merit to it. I wasnft fooled myself – I took my two bucks and saw Charliefs Angels. Now that was a movie that didnft take itself too seriously and at least had some entertainment value.h
Massive Class Action Suit Aimed At Big Auto, Insider Blows Whistle on Second Hand Auto Exhaust – A new generation of litigators is consolidating their positions as legal teams all over the world get set to take on big auto. After the earlier successes against big tobacco, lawyers are licking their lips following the revelations of whistle blower Michael Graves who has come forward to admit in true confidence that he had knowledge that auto industry executives were aware of the harm that could be caused by automobiles to innocent users and by-standers. gThe havoc that a single car can wreak is quite significant,h states Greaves, gfrom mere maiming, to decapitation, to the death of entire families, sports teams, bridge circles. A car does not even discriminate in the age of its victims, from the unborn to the centenarians; from film stars like James Dean who wanted to die, to buxom beauties like Jayne Mansfield and Grace Kelly who wanted to live. And look at the reluctance the car manufacturers had in installing mandatory seatbelts and air cushions? Now, cars are destructive enough on their own, imagine the effects of multiplying them by the millions – millions, billions of cars cruising the earth looking for trouble. And thatfs not even getting into the factor of second hand auto exhaust. No, we are talking about claims worth trillions of dollars. No, more than that, more likec hey, whatfs bigger than a trillion anyway?h
Newsweek Sheepishly Admits To Being Running Dog Of The Capitalist Ruling Class – In response to accusations launched at Newsweek that it was funning dog of the polluting industrialist capitalist ruling class, following its cover story claiming that government-sponsored gscientifich studies debunking the Global Warming Effect, Newsweek this weeks has made statements admitting that it was, in fact, a running dog of the capitalist ruling class. gWe tried to deny it for some time,h says Newsweek spokesman Jim Brady, gbecause nobody likes to admit that they are a running dog of anything, but with the sheepish byline saying kind of, like eaw shucks, we thought the globe was warming but it looks like the government was right not to cut down on greenhouse gasses and keep right on pollutingf saying exactly what the Bush Junior administration wanted us to say, it was pretty hard to deny. So, well, now what?h
Is Anjelina Jolie The New Demi Moore? – Tabloid journalists have recently begun to observe a peaking and slight fall in the career of super starlet Angeline Jolie and have begun to wonder – is Angeline the new Demi Moore? Moore, who was the sassy pouty toast of Hollywood with her five-star husband and long string of hits, despite her plain Jane appearance, is now barely remembered after a divorce and an even longer series of flops left her career floundering and has seen her take a more active role in producing films instead of starring in them. Is the same in the cards for Angeline? gAngeline is a lucky girl who was in some good movies,h says film insider Sandra Mulhaven, gbut that canft go on forever and there are already a few stinkers in the cards like eTomb Raiderf and others. Then there is all the slutty hijinx and creep incest situations. But on the other hand, I can see Angeline making a really great producer. She knows tons of people, she is brash, and Ifm sure she will have a lot of fun seeing the casting couch from the position of authority.h
It's Actually Vancouver, But It's Supposed To Be (fill in the blank) – In movie after movie, proud Vancouverites have been able to recognize their city. And even if the film is supposed to be set in Piladelphia or New York or Boston or Beirut, Vancouverites are still proud to see their city immortalized in film. gI was watching a Bruce Willis film the other day,h says Gastown resident Phylliss Brush, gand I saw my apartment! I couldnft believe it. And then this Jackie Chan film that was supposed to be set in the Bronx, well that was done right outside of my old high school. And the place where I used to work was in that stupid Sandra Bullock film set in Phyladelphia – as if there are Rocky Mountains ringing Philly! Oh, and in the same movie, among the extras, you can see local musician and punk legend Steven Spargman. I love that guy. I even knew him before he was a junky. Nice guyc but donft lend him any money.h
America Barred From the A-10 Group of Nations, Creates Own A-1 Group of Nations – The United States of America, after being barred from the A-10 group of industrial nations for continuing its programs of civic incarceration, nuclear expansion, deadly Star Wars missile defense shield operations, chemical weapons storage, land-mine production, and other activities of a rogue state, has announced that it will create its own A-1 group of industrialized nation. It will allow other nations to join the group if those nations are willing to reflect American foreign policy and military commitments unconditionally. Although other nations might be part of the A-1 group of industrialized nation, the name will not change because the name A-1 gsounds mighty.h gWe like the name A-1, it means the best,h says White House spokesman, gand it is important that allies should act as one. After all, if you are not with us, then you are against us. And if you are against us, then you are not with us.h
Time Warp Ballistic Defense Shield Already On The Drawing Board – Time travel theorists have pressed the Pentagon to move ahead quickly with its plans to build a time warp ballistic defense shield. The plans for such a shield, which would shield America and its allies from nuclear attack from the future via ICBMs send back in time from a future enemy state, are already on the drawing board sources say. gThe idea of time travel is not so preposterous,h claims theorist Egon Hedrowits, git has been theorized by such geniuses as Albert Einstein, Phillip K. Dick, and James Cameron, and there is no reason it should not be true. The future is eternal and at some point we will have the ability to travel back in time, whether naked or not as in the Terminator series of films. Some future totalitarian state may wish to wipe us out of existence, nip us in the bud so-to-speak. Which is why we should always be on alert, not just of present enemies, but of future foes as well. I think the Pentagon is doing a great job of addressing this issue. And I am glad we got the funding we needed. Thank you General Ripper!h
U.S. Ambassador Doesn't Return Micronesian Ambassador's Calls, Despite Support In Critical U.N. Vote – John Amos, Micronesian ambassador to the U.N., is obviously unsettled. His claims that U.S. ambassador to the U.N. John Sildon will not return his calls have left him disturbed and agitated. Amos claims that Sildon, who had been friendly with Amos at one time, now treats him like a stranger. gI remember when there was the vote for ratifying that enuclear weapons in space banf thing a couple of years ago. The whole world was all for ratifying it, but we decided to throw out lot in with the U.S. and Israel to oppose it and block its unanimous passage. I mean, who knows – maybe one day Micronesia will have a need to send nuclear materials into space for some reason, right? Well, I thought at that time John, the other John, and I were pretty close. He told me how much he hoped we would vote his way, and a friend is a friend – we did. But now I really need his support on this fishing thing, and the guy never returns our calls either. I wonder what gives, huhc?h
River Cruises To Styx Non-Refundable – Thanotos tours has announced last week that the river cruise tour packages bookings it has taken for travels on the river Styx (sometimes called Stynx) are actually non-refundable. Additionally, the tours will not be return trips, as initially advertised, but one-way. Upon paying the ferryman, return trips can be arranged from the other side. Travel industry critics have spoken out against the irregularity of this arrangement, but Thanatos Tours has defended its conditions by stating that the rare opportunity of visiting one of the most exotic travel locations of all requires the imposition of such irregular conditions, and apologizes for the inconvenience caused.
Is Sarah Brightman Actually A Vampire? – Gossip journalists in London and New York have begun a new round of gossip on creepy composer Andrew Lloyd Weberfs favorite diva Sarah Brightman. Reflecting on the nocturnal lifestyle that her profession encourages and the pasty condition of her skin, as well as the creepy photos of the reclusive diva and the bizarre gothic fashion sense she attains, many wonder if she is in fact a vampire as some have claimed. gMany people wonder how this sort of claim can be taken seriously, but you only need to take a look at an album cover before those doubts begin to shrink,h says gossip journalist Kevin Taylor. gI mean look at that face – that overbite. Kinda scary, isnft it?h
Grateful Dead Fan Also Into Reggae – John Simmons is a gDeadhead,h or fan of the Grateful Dead. Despite loving the songs of Jerry Garcia so very much, Simmons also admits that he likes reggae. gI like the Dead. Reggae is great too,h says Simmons. gYeah, reggae and the Dead, cool stuff.h
Country Station Accidentally Plays Grateful Dead Song – WTRY, a country station in Atlanta, Georgia, last week accidentally found itself playing a song by hippy rock band the Grateful Dead. The song, gFriend of the Devilh was easily mistaken for a country song, and the oversight was unplanned and accidental, say station programmers Garry Lofts and Stan Freeway. gI had never heard the song before,h claims Loffts, gbut I thought it had a nice sort of Waylon Jennings sound to it. The lyrics are pretty typical country. I didnft see anything wrong with playing it. Shoot, wefd play more of that band, if our fans would let us. They have heard of the Dead before and heard about hippies going around the country seeing them and they sure hate anything associated with the hippies, so it wouldnft be prudent for us to list it. Damn shame, if you ask me, but we have to respond to the wishes of our listeners, do bye-bye Jerry (Garcia), we hadly knew ya.h
New Tobacco Law Requires 100% of Ad to Be Health Warning, Corporate Name May Not Appear – Canada and several Scandinavian countries are silmultaneously trying to pass new tobacco advertising legislation that will require 100% of all tobacco ads to be health warnings. The ads, which must be white and which may not show the name of the company paying for the advertising, may or may not show gruesome pictures of cancer-laden body parts, blackened lungs, or babies with low fetal weight. gWe believe that people arenft really getting the message,h says Swedish legislator Sven Svenson. gPeople still puff away. From now on we will ask the tobacco companies to put a bit of money back into publishing for no benefit but to reduce their clientele. Ifm sure such a clientele will always exist, mind you. I smoke myself. But we need to increase the stakes here – itfs all or nothing. Winner takes it all.h
Chicken Breast In Suspended Animation For Over Twenty Years – Mary Robins, wife and mother of four, last week discovered a chicken breast that had lain in suspended animation in her family freezer for over twenty years. The chicken breast, was revived and eaten by the family, although with some reluctance on the part of Mrs. Robins. gWe were buying a new big freezer trough, to replace the old one we bought twenty years ago,h explains Mrs. Robins, gand I threw in a bunch of chicken that I had bought on sail at Loblaws. I remember it specificially because it was the first thing I bought for the freezer and those chicken breasts looked so tiny at the bottom of that huge tough. Then years went by and it filled up. Now twenty chicken lifetimes later this chicken breast is revived and ultimately eaten. It tasted pretty horrible, actually. But then again, that is probably because I bought it on special.h
gCafe Freshh Now Totally Run Down – Diners at the popular local kissaten gCafé Freshh have begun to comment over the years that it is starting to look a little run down. The café, which opened in 1972, has been serving waffles and coffee and mini-pizzas for thirty years to dozens of aging, loyal customers. gCafé Fresh was a part of my high school life,h says regular Matsuhiro Masatoshi, gand it holds plenty of memories. But these days I guess itfs looking a little run down. The manga on the racks are falling all over the space, the aisle is getting narrower and narrower, the carpet is kind of beaten up, the counter is permanently stained, and the paintings and ornaments on the walls look kind of fossilized. The mirror in the back of the bar no longer reflects properly even! I think the front needs a facelift, and the plastic food in the glass case outside also looks pretty revolting. I only noticed it was still there a few weeks ago – itfs already become part of the landscape, so to speak. I took a look in it and the plastic food looks pretty unappealing. If I was just walking past here and didnft know what a great place it is, I probably wouldnft want to come in, I guess.h Passersbys in the street, when asked, also admitted their reluctance to eat in a place that looks as run-down as Café Fresh, and couldnft be enticed in even with warm welcomes and greetings.
Coke Dealer Accidentally Snorts Anthrax – Coke dealer Johny Toothsome was rushed to an emergency medical center last week as he mistakenly snorted a dose of anthrax, thinking it was in face cocaine. Toothsome died of convulsions an hour later. The anthrax, which appeared and mysteriously disappeared on the American health scene a few years ago, is believed to be the same anthrax that a tabloid journalist in Florida snorted when he became the first victim of anthrax.
Time Magazine's Experiment in Tasteless Humor Comes To Hasty End – Avid readers and news addicts breathed a sigh of relief when it was noted that Time Magazine had ended its experiment in tasteless humor. The magazine, which wrote quirky photo blurbs, and had sarcastic features such as gwinners and losers,h gquote of the week,h and other weak attempts at witless humor, finally gave up the approach and went back to reporting what it perceived as hard news. gTime was never a good source for information,h says news hound John Stelmore, gmore like a photo journal more than anything else and a barometer of what shallow middle-class white-collar workers back home were interested in understanding, but it was particularly grating when Time tried to be hip by trying to be funny. The ehumorf never worked – oh, no, I do remember on instance when they had something funny – so it was a laugh just seeing how un-funny they would be. I mean here is an organization with more resources than any other print news source, and they actually let crap humor get through? I picture editors in tweed, suede shoes, nodding to themselves eyep, that seems hip to me.f I mean, they called Tom Cruise a loser for being short, they called Jimmy Buffet a loser for surviving a plane crash, they even called Adolf Hitler a loser. What was the point? And then they called a 500 pound sumo wrestler a loser – Ifd like to see someone do that to his face. And it didnft even have to be the off-the-cuff stuff – like they would write serious reviews of Eminem and Linkin Park recordings. Whofs going to read Time to find out what the new Eminem release sounds like? No, Ifm glad that this experiment in hip humor is over. It was pretty cardboard, man, like as much fun as eating it, man.h
Hollywood Pondering its Response to the September 11th Attacks – Nearly two years following the September 11th attacks, major studios and production companies in Hollywood are pondering the type of response to the terror attacks on New York and Virginia. The attacks, which successfully carried through what Hollywood films have been speculating for years previously in the Bond films, Black Sunday, the Siege, and True Lies, gave many the feeling that they were living in a movie. gThere are three camps out there when it comes to drafting a response to the attacks,h says successful Hollywood producer Phil Keens, gone of them says we should keep on making films like True Lies and showing single dedicated men taking out whole teams of bad guys from the Middle East and averting destruction, another camp believes we should make more realistic films that reflect reality more closely – fear and paranoia hitting the streets, hate crimes on the rise, a whole nation rising as one up against an invisible foe taking out whole teams of bad guys from the Middle East and averting destruction. A third camp believes that escapist fantasies tell of the struggle in parable – the Matrix, the Lord of the Rings, it is all about catching Bin Laden and toppling Hussein from power. Personally, Ifm with the former people: I donft think you can get the film industry to stop making Bond films and movies like True Lies just as you canft get the people to stop watching them, that is why they are such incredible money-makers. I guess wefll just have to see what Hollywood comes up with.
Japan To Be Greenest Industrialized Nation of the Year 2020 as 95% of Population Migrates to Three Megalopoles – Sociologists have reported the findings of new studies that show that Japan is set to be the greenest industrialized nation on earth be the year 2020. In that year, they estimate that nearly 95% of the Japanese population will live in the industrial sprawl between Tokyo and Osaka, with some pockets in Sapporo and Fukuoka. gThe face of Japan will change completely if migratory trends continue at the rates they are,h explains sociologist Patricia Noir. gNobody will live in the countryside after the elder generations retired and living there die off, and nearly every town under a million inhabitants will become a ghost town. Japan will become completely reliant on imported food once agricultural reforms proposed by free traders in the United States get their way in the government, and there will be no need for anybody to live in country areas that donft have tourism. We believe that lawlessness might erupt in the large expanses of unoccupied eghost townf territory, with the possibility of a new road warrior culture emerging – speed tribes of disaffected youth controlling and fighting over worthless territory of houses and towns gone to seed. But the result is that a huge part of Japan will revert to nature, with only a small part housing the whole population and industry. It is exciting to think of, isnft it?h
North American Diners Wonft Stop Sharing Food – After being away from his native country for over ten years, expat Canadian Peter Hoflich returned to his home in Japan from a visit to Canada wondering endlessly why North American diners wonft stop sharing their food in restaurants. gI went out with several old friends when I was back,h explains Hoflich, gand it was always edo you want to try some of my entréef or edo you want to try thisf or edo you want to try that?f Well, you canft bloody well say no, so out come the knives and a piece gets cut off and put on your plate and you have to reciprocate whether you want to or not to save yourself from feeling like a jerk, but you just get feeling used instead, and there you have a big piece of barfy food you specifically didnft order because you donft like that dish, and there goes half of your gorgeous piece of elk steak. Bummer, eh? But when I think way way way back, it was kind of like that in college too. When I was dating. And now I remember why I like living in countries where they serve communal dishes – a big plate in the middle of the table and people taking from it. Ah, Japan, I love you more and more.h
USJ Waterworld Attraction Doesnft Help Water World Video Sales – Universal Studios Japan announced last week that although their Water World attraction has been a resounding success since the parkfs opening over two years ago, its success hasnft helped video sales of the troubled Kevin Costner action flick. The film, which depicts a world of water with the tip of Mount Everest being the only dry land, is still less popular than even Mickey Rourkefs most annoying boxing movie or Jean Claude van Dammefs most ridiculous twin-based film. gEveryone knows Waterworld sucked donkey dongs,h explains entertainment reporter Michael Jones, geven if they find the attraction itself thrilling, so we really arenft fooling anyone. I guess it just shows that expensive flops can still draw crowds. We were thinking of introducing a Postman ride, based on Mr. Costnerfs land-based version of Waterworld, but we figured that might be pushing our luck a bitch
(News that never happened – from the Head Cheese news time capsule) 2001 Movies Lack Swank – With films about poverty-stricken drag queens, strung out junkies living on the street in winter, and transsexuals being beaten to death in the middle of nowhere, nobody could ever accuse the films of 2001 of having too much swank. In fact, this reporter wonders if they have any at all. Where are the Pretty Womans, where are the Breakfast At Tiffanyfs, where are all the other films about happy hookers that have happy endings? Give us Julia Roberts as a paid woman not as a secretary who looks like one. Herefs praying that some swank gets found by the time 2002 rolls around. Of course, the films of tomorrow are being made today, so if this stinky, dirt-stained atmosphere is all that penetrating, there can be little hope of a really great Elizabeth Taylor vehicle arriving any day soon.
(News that never happened – from the Head Cheese news time capsule) Edward Bunny-Hands – Plans are afoot for an unnamed director to begin shooting a remake of gEdward Scissorhandsh to be titled gEdward Bunnyhands.h Although Tim Burton has sworn off of the project, superdirector James Cameron is among the directors being considered for the film. gWhy remake eEdward Scissorhandsf so soon?h opinionated and outspoken studio representative Edward Burton (no relation to Tim Burton) asks rhetorically. gWell, the original film was quite an influential movie at the time, but letfs face it – it hasnft really stood up well over time and seems a bit silly, pretentious, sentimental nowadays. Even eMars Attacksf is more watchable today. The new film will be just like eEdward Scissorhands,f but there will be much more special effects. Edward will have bunny ears for hands instead of scissors, which cannot be shown on film since the World Trade Center attacks. There will be cameos by dozens of famous Hollywood stars, a high energy soundtrack, plenty of gags, and a government/alien civilization conspiracy along the lines of the X-Files. Of course the real villains will all be Middle Eastern terrorists. But the heart of it will be faithful to the original. We are hoping Mr. Cameron will agree to direct – he hasnft worked much since his last film, albeit that was the largest grossing film in the history of the world, so we hope this will be just the thing to bring him back into the swing of things. He has promised to do the film if plans for Terminator 3 fall through. While it would be good to have a franchise, many in Hollywood feel it would be better for the second film to be remade instead. Terminator 2 was a smash hit at the time, but letfs face it – it hasnft really stood up well over time and seems a bit silly, pretentious, sentimental nowadays. And the special effects – phoooooneee! Even eTrue Liesf is more watchable today, especially considering, you know, the World Trade Center attacks.h
Why Doesnft Matsui Play For The New York Giants? – Japanese baseball fans were shocked when they learned that local baseball legend, Hideki Matsui of the Yomiuri Giants, was going to take up a new uniform – he was to become a New York Yankee. Although many were shocked that he intended to leave Japan to play for the American major leagues, even more were shocked that he chose to play with the New York Yankees over the New York Giants. gHide-kun is a giant through and through, literally and figuratively,h explains lifelong Yomiuri Giants fan Matsuhikatayamada Masatoshiyori. gThat is why we nicknamed him eGodzilla.f Look at the guy – hefs over ten feet tall! Hefs not a Yankee, thatfs ridiculous – hefs Japanese, fer Chrissake!!!h
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