by Susan

Aries: March 20-April 18

Element: FIRE

Famous Aries in history: Matsunaga Mikio (4/10), Kinnikuman (1/1). You are to technology as interference patterns are to the Heisenburg uncertainty principle. Wait, no, you are to Ned Ludd as Windows OSR2 build number 4.10.1999 is to a stable, secure x86 architecture platform, ha ha! Joking aside, why don't we exchange illegal PS2 roms?

Taurus: April 19-May 19

Element: EARTH

Famous Taurus in history: Ulful Keisuke (5/23), Sakura Momoko (5/8). Astrologically, your perfect mate is a Scorpio. But that Scorpio said you have a face like a Japanese raccoon dog in heat, and that a 100-yen notebook has more of a spine than you do (whatever that means - hey, I'm just the messenger). And whenever you go out to Karaoke, you gargle your Grape Fizz into the mic all evening.

Gemini: May 20-June 20

Element: AIR

Famous Gemini in history: Chiyonofuji (6/1). You may look like Barry White. But you ain't no Barry White. You ain't even Mr. Children. I only slept with you because you play the sax. You do play the sax, right?

Cancer: June 21-July21

Element: WATER

Famous Cancer in history: Obuchi Keizo (6/25). You are HOT. Get out of those wet clothes right now. (No, seriously.) You will camp out on a Shikoku beach this summer with a Libra and a Capricorn. You will get hit in the back with a Lawson-bought bottle rocket, but no one will admit fault.

Leo: July 22-August 21

Element: FIRE

Famous Leo in history: Iijima Ai (7/7), Hamutaro. You have a tendency to covet your neighbor's Edo period tabi collection. In 2003, you will finally meet your soulmate. Unfortunately, he or she is a hamster. The two of you will have a tepid affair in Fukuoka this summer.

Virgo: August 22-September 20

Element: EARTH

Famous Virgo in history: Doraemon (9/3), Sankon Jr. (9/13). You are cuter than a gorilla in yellow gingham. Your worst vice: Gundam figurines. In 2003, someone is going to tell your mother who has been stealing her cigars.

Libra: September 21-October 22

Element: AIR

Famous Libra in history: Jiro (10/17). When it comes to charm, Kitty-chan has got nothing on you. Probability that you will get caught in the suctioning device of a disrepaired jacuzzi in 2003: 30%.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21

Element: WATER

Famous Scorpio in history: Marnie Eliza LaGotte (10/28). Don't get upset, but a certain Taurus called you a boneless chicken. You have a tendency to covet your neighbor's gomi. Probability of piercing something you can't show people in 2003: 67%.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 22

Element: FIRE

Famous Sagittarius in history: Motoki Masahiro (12/21), Asano Tadanobu (11/27). Face the facts. Natalie Portman doesn't feel the same way you do. Things you hate: Hearing that same Ben Folds CD over and over again. Things you like: grapefruit-flavored chu-hi, grapefruit-flavored titty gel.

Capricorn: December 23-January 19

Element: EARTH

Famous Capricorn in history: Murakami Haruki (1/12), Beat Takeshi (1/18). You wear black and like meat, especially cold cuts. (REALLY cold.) You have the biggest collection of sex-industry chirashi I have ever seen. At a beach barbecue in 2003, you will hit your head, pass out, and your face will be devoured by ants.

Aquarius: January 20-February 20

Element: AIR

Famous Aquarius in history: Yokoyama Nokku (1/30), Antonio Inoki (2/20), Hasegawa Machiko (1/30). You can't eat cherry-flavored frozen yogurt without the fear of finding a finger. People think you're a lesbian, after the stories I tell them. What else? Oh, your ankles. The only way to shake your stalker is by covering those alluring things. (Try loose socks.)

Pisces: February 21-March 19

Element: WATER

Famous Pisces in history: Kikuma Yukino (3/5), Kurosawa Akira (3/23). You always go, "Wot, wot?" What kind of made-up linguistic habit is that? You would give your last warabi-mochi for a foot massage, and that's saying a lot. Probability of losing your ego in a Kyoto-line station restroom in 2003: 100%.